Post Holiday Blues

Christmas has come and gone and now I am left with all the trash. Good Ole Mister Trash Man will be earning his pay tomorrow. I have dozens of bags full of garbage on the curb tonight.

The latest routine with my demon spawn 3 year old is this: I sit in his room in a rocking chair surfing the web or writing this blog and falls asleep in the bed next to me. Well, tonight he fell asleep earlier in the truck on the way home, so I might be here all night. Obviously the wife was fooling around with someone that hates sleep, because these monsters cannot be mine. If they were, they would treasure slumber the way I do.

So over the weekend, I took the family to the Christmas Tree downtown in our fine capital, Washington, D.C. Nosaj was with us in his ride. Lumpy gives us directions to a parking garage and Nosaj takes the lead. We get stopped at the entrance and security checks our rides for hidden bombs or terrorists. I ask dude how much to park here and he replies that he is not a parking attendant.OK then. Nosaj is in the lead. We come to a fork in the road. One way says parking, the other exit. Guess which Nosaj chooses?? We follow him and end up making the same U-turn that he does to get to the parking lot and not the exit. The Tree was jam packed this year. Horrible to move around in, especially with strollers. But great to drop some crop dusters in. I mean, I was letting em roll right out and standing still because of traffic in front of me. The people behind me would have to suffer. I heard others being blamed for the fog. I heard gasps of horror. But I just kept on pushing the stroller and minding my own business.

Last night the wife had us all out returning gifts. I think that is the purpose of Christmas, buy as much as possible and return it all for more stuff. We stopped by the mall and found the store with her sister working. So you know I am not getting out of there quickly. She is the wife of Nosaj. And I might say, not a very good employee. I asked her several times for price checks on items and she would not respond. I also dropped several items on the floor and she would not pick them up for me. It is so hard to get good service any more. I might have to write to corporate about her.

Merry Christmas 2006

Where o where to start. I have been off work since Thursday and the last five days seem like a blur. Last minute shopping on Saturday and Sunday. I was up with the roosters and out to the evil empire of Wal-Mart around 6 am on Saturday and 7am on Sunday. We went to church down town on Saturday and saw the National Christmas tree down by the Washington Monument. I colored my hair. We opened presents on Christmas Eve afternoon with my family, Christmas eve night with the wife's family and Christmas morning with our own tribe courtesy of the jolly fat man and no that isn't me, although I have gained a couple lbs in the last few weeks.

Wait a minute. You caught that?? Yep. It is true. I washed that grey right out of my hair. Now I know what you are thinking, Super is Uber Gay, right? While I can't discount those feelings, I can assure you, I am no more gay than Doogie Howser. Bad example. I am no more gay than our own Schweet. OK. I give up. I don't think I am gay, I just needed a change. My family did not notice until I told them. Then they unleashed jokes and laughs by the dozens. That didn't bother me as much as the brother in law and my pops eating all my Monkey bread that was brought as a gift to me and only me by my wonderful sister, who I know is reading this and probably making me another right now. So I no longer have 90% grey hair, it is down to like 10%. I will have to post a picture this week.

I will probably have time to write this week since I am off of work ALL week. If you happen to have to work this week, Ebone, I am sorry for you. Kind of like the sorry you feel for the rest of us when you bring home your executive pay for surfing, I mean working.

I have to give BIG props to the Lumpster. First off, he takes the nickname in stride and even signed his Christmas card from him, his wife and child to be as the Lumpy family. Isn't that nice. But also, he lived in D.C. for like two years and knows his way around the nation's capital much moreso than I and I have been in this hole for my entire life. He navigated us, via the phone, to a wonderful parking garage near the Christmas trees and we truly appreciate it.

I have so much more but the child I am sitting with, has fallen asleep so my duties are done here. Downstairs to round up the rest of the herd for bedtime. Just to keep you coming back, here is what I will bring you soon......

The last three days I have spent at least some time with Nosaj. You know there is a good one in there. I met up with my boy Red and he is always good for a few laughs. I didn't send any of those Christmas letters detailing our year in my Christmas card this year so I need to write one for you guys.

Here is a parting shot, courtesy of American Express.




Electric scooters for more kids than you can shake a stick at: Several hundred dollars

Countless toys of every imaginable flavor: Several more hundred dollars

A barbie with a dog that the wife obviously didn't study closely enough and bought one each for three of my children. This Barbie's dog's main and only feature is that he eats these little pellets and when you lift his tail, he craps them all over my house: FRIGGIN PRICELESS

Batting .500

Well the pacifier-less child has survived. She seems to be taking it pretty well. We are getting ready for night three but it seems ok. The potty training, on the other hand, well let's just say the wife says 'No Mas'. The little demon seed is not ready. How do we know he is not ready you ask? Let me recount my wife's day as told to me through a series of phone calls at work. (Not for the timid).

Son of Satan is up at a decent hour and has already voided his bladder in his diaper. Great. Time for undies. He is wardrobed with the latest in Cars style or Thomas The Tank Engine style, I am not quite certain. Regardless, wifey waits a while and attempts to put the little man on the pot. Well she is met with screams and cries and stubbornness. She lets the little man go play and tries this a couple more times. She then makes the mistake of tending to other children and the hellion drops his pants and pisses all over my kitchen chair. (Hope you don't get that chair on poker night guys). Time for the corner for the man. Hours pass, still resistance on the throne. He watches a little cartoon on the boob tube and uses his undies as a porta john. Game over. Round one to the beast. I am off after tomorrow for a couple weeks, so maybe I will attempt round two. Like Ivan Drago once said, "I must break you".

If you haven't gotten your Christmas card from me yet, then obviously I hate you. No, seriously, I have them made out but have yet to get stamps. I tried today but my local Bloom was out and the Post Office was a show. No chance I was waiting in that line. Maybe tomorrow. I will give you a preview. They say Merry Christmas.

Upper Decker

Now I have not known about the term Upper Decker for too long. But it is a great concept. Basically you violate someone's bathroom by dropping a deuce in the upper bowl. It sits there for a while and then when that person flushes, they get the surprise.

Just a little background for today's journey. We had dental appointments and then ear check ups on the little kids. An all around fun day. So the dental portion went swimmingly and we made good time to the ear, nose and throat dude. That is where time stood still. I sat in the truck with a bunch of kids while the baby slept. The wife took the two ear victims into the lobby. There they sat for an hour. An hour I kid you not. I was starting to get REAL bitter. So I come in the lobby and drop a couple F bombs like a good white trash father is want to do. Finally they are seen and I take the rest of the herd outside to wait. Then the wife calls and informs me that one of the patients crapped up a Zeppelin. So here is the tie-in. I cleaned up the evil feces laden diaper and sent the little man back to the ear doc. Well I have got to clean my hands and dispose of the death drawers. The bathroom is locked. The camel that broke the straw or however the hell that goes. I politely placed the toxic diaper in a bush in the lobby and used some antibacterial hand cleaner in the car. Who needs their bathrooms? Not me. So while I was not able to properly leave an Upper Decker for them, I left a little lasting impression on whoever sits near that thing.

On to nicer topics. OK, not that much nicer. This is the week. The week junior and his nasty, filthy habit of crapping in his pants is over. He is getting potty trained. I will be at work for the first couple of days so I hope it happens quick. He is a mean little cuss and I don't see this as being an easy task. On top of this the next oldest gave up the pacifier yesterday. We made a big presentation about giving it to a poor kid and we left it at the base of a statue at church. She was so proud and big. Then night hit and all the demons in hell were released from her. She was kicking and screaming, jumping on her bed, yelling, hollering, heck I think at least once her head went all the way round. It was freaky. She wanted to beat down the little poor girl that had her pacy now. She wanted revenge. She vowed her love to her pacy. She cursed my family and my wife's family. Her eyes turned a shade of red that made my skin crawl. But finally she was subdued by the poison that gets all mankind, a good bribe. Candy under the pillow for the morning and a personal ice cream adventure with only her and mommy, and of course a present from the toy store. I had all my older kids asking if they could have a pacy. The perks seemed good. Night too is just moments away. Wish me luck.

Chips and Marinara Sauce??

First of all, let me start out with some BREAKING NEWS. Despite being behind my like 1000 points, I have taken the lead in the two week playoff against the Ebone. I tell you this now because his big hound LT is playing in about half an hour and then I will again be on the ass end side of the score. But for right now, I am whooping that ass.

OK. Back to business. Today was grocery day. We were down to about $10,000 worth of food in the pantry and freezer so we needed more. Our first stop took us to Costco. I let the wife go in while I watched some of the brood in the car. We managed to get out of there for under a couple hunskies so I was relieved. Then on to the Superdeduper Walmart. We shelled out a few more hunskies for a couple of carts full of food. That really isn't the story. It took her and I and our eight hundred kids less than an hour to fill the carts and it took me another 45 minutes to check out of the darn store. Now I know I have complained about the evil Walmart and their checkout lines before but this is a little different.

I am not a very smart man but I know a couple of things. And granted I have never seen Ebones exploits in the heart of South East Asia, thank goodness, but I have seen many things in this world. So WM Betty puts my chips in the same bag as two jars of marinara sauce, letting them clank and clang and bust up my chips. Now this didn't bother me nearly as much as it would have, had these chips been for me. That being said, why would she do this? Maybe she wanted to conserve on bags? No. She put a box of oatmeal all by its lonesome. Maybe she was using some different bagging scheme she learned at Harvard. Now I know she spent top dollar on an education because she must have used all her dental money on schooling. Let's just say she had some Chicklets askew. It looked like a yard sale jigsaw puzzle in there, there were so many pieces missing. So some of the chips survived to get slammed around by my unloaders at home. These unloaders only use the bathroom once a week. That is at exactly the same time as I need them to take the groceries into the house. Odd isn't it?


I broke down and bought a hockey toy online over the weekend. I have been trying to purchase this doll at all the local Toys R Evil stores but with no luck. So I paid double the 10 bones it lists for and made it mine. I feel like the Sandwich Artist paying a couple extra hundred for his Wii and his Xbox 360. No, not that bad.

Playoffs

Well the playoffs started in fantasy football this week. Of course E-bone and his LT train are just whooping my ass. At least our league is a two week cumulative score. El Quad rolled over already in his league. Weak. All that smack talk and he took an E-bone thumping. I haven't seen E-bone pounce on anything like that that wasn't an alcoholic beverage. My thumping will last another week, unless someone can maim LT for me. Anyone?

The family is finally getting over the latest round of Hawkman Flu. He assured me it would be quick and painless. And he said the flu would go away soon too. Speaking of the Hawk. He is normally a good-natured, polite young man. Unless, I guess, you have no teeth. He was talking to his buddy from work, ChickletFree Nat, and decided it would be good fun to offer the man some beef jerky. The dude was obviously embarrassed and mumbled a negative reply on the dried meat. And I thought passing germs around like a leper was his only evil.

One of my favorite pics from the zoo. Gotta love them damn Elephants.

Despite what everyone says, you can never truly be alone as long as you have half a head of hair and a tall, cool drink. Ahhh.

Pics of the Lumpsters Visit

I have a few pictures to show you of the weekend of Lumpy. Here is the man back East to take all our money in cards.

The Oracle says 'That is not a toilet'


The only man we know that can say 'It's Friday, I ain't got no job, I ain't got shit to do' every day of the week.

'I like me some nekkid pictures'

'I am a lean, well not so lean, mean, fighting machine. Go ahead, rub the Buddha, rub it'

What?

Hawkman Does It Again

This past weekend I spent a day in the fine city of Richmond. I took in a youth hockey game featuring the travel team from my fair city. Then on to the Virginia Science Museum.

I think I own a large percentage of the company that owns this museum. I must because I am constantly writing outrageously large checks to them. All in all it was a good day. We also shared the experience with some out of state friends. Thats where the Hawkman comes into the story. He brought his family and obviously some variant of the bird flu with him.

Carrier?????

I am not one to throw blame at anyone but again his family is around and one of my herd comes down with an illness. I won't say it was a bad illness but my wife missed church because of it. Now it wouldn't take much more than a sniffle to put me down all day but super trooper thinks she is a one woman powerhouse and the Hawkman flu rendered her powerless. Now she says it is nothing she caught from our dear friends the Hawkmen but I believe in calling a spade a spade.

Lumpy is Alive

Everyone can relax now. Lumpy is back home. Oh wait, you didn't know? Lumpy has been living in a shelter for the last few days. I am sure you heard about the big ice/snow storm in the midwest. Well Lumpy got caught in the middle of it. His house was without electricity for three days. Always living off of the good heartedness of others, Lumpy and his new bride took in refuge at the local shelter. They got three hots and a cot or so the expression goes. They are home now and all is good. Lumpy has to put the Christmas decorations back on the house but they are uninjured and still oh so glad they moved to the snow belt. Just think it is the beginning of December, spring is right around the corner.

Closer to home, I took the children to the local Christmas parade over the weekend. We lasted through at least half of it before their hunger took over and we had to roll. So it was only an hour that I had my 500 lb 4 year old on my shoulders; it just seemed like a week.

Ebone, again, had to one up the competition. I take my kids to a lousy parade and he takes his brood out of town to see the Buffalo Bils play. OK, while Buffalo is not really a real city or a real football team, it still beats a cold, tiring parade. He also donated a car to someone less fortunate. Dude is like Ghandi and stuff. It was unfortunate that Buffalo got beat down like animals. He got to enjoy the fact that the Sabres beat the Caps. Oh wait, they didn't. They took a beat down too. Serves you right, you show off.

Ebone and the Fish

Now everyone knows somebody that knows somebody that has told a gigantic fish story. The kind of story you know is a lie but you listen anyways. The kind of story that gets bigger and bigger and less likely all the time. As years go by, the fish is bigger, the battle was longer, the taste better. Today I bring you my fish story as told to me by the Ebone.

Mr. Ebone went to the Outer Banks for a little R and R over the Thanksgiving weekend. Some people save all year for ONE vacation but not the Bone. He takes leave from work and parades all across the nation at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately he took the entire family so there was not that much resting or relaxing. On one particularly odd day, odd because Ebone was sober before noon, he found himself on the beach and fully clothed. From his retelling of the tale, the fish was so fearful of the battle he would have with E that it threw itself on shore to prevent the impending pain. Supposedly this monster of a fish weighed in at over 50 lbs or the size of a Lumpy midnite snack.

Quick side bar. Mr. Lumpy has been awful quiet this past month. Me thinks that something tawdry happened on his visit back East and he is still too ashamed to speak of it. I don't know what could be that bad that he won't call us. Lumpy show us some love, just not love handles.


Back to the great fish caper. So this 50 lb striper jumps up on shore to be eaten by the Bone and his friends. I am sure in his heart, that damn fish didn't want to be baked and served with some instant rice and THEN microwaved at work, a place with no ventilation, for all of us to smell. I know this, deep down, I know this.

Onto other news. I have it on good intel that Neckbone has been sited and is again picking the scraps of The Oracles career. The Oracle has now given Neckbone some life and a new job. I can only hope this frees up a little Neck time for the tennis championship he has been avoiding. Then again, I hoped that Sandwich Artist might have at least had some tennis skills on the new Nintendo Wii. But obviously the Wii is too real and lifelike and his real tennis prowess shown through.

Turkey Day and More

I am sorry I have been busy. Darn kids and work.

Let me catch you up on my activities. Turkey day went without a hitch. Just a little family gathering at the sister-in-laws. Everything went without a hitch, EXCEPT... The sister-in-law only lives 5 miles away. Between her house and mine is only rural roads and ONE gas station. See where this is going? Well the wife tells me, after we pass said gas station, that the car won't go. I instruct her to pull into this church parking lot. Well the power steering won't work. I grab the wheel and assist her off the road. Most of the way off the road, at least. She wants me to push it the rest of the way. I am out there pushing a huge SUV loaded with wife and kids. In my lousy shape, I cannot get it to budge. I holler at the old lady to see if she might have her foot on the brake but she does not. She does not need her foot on the brake when she still has the rig in PARK. Nice. After removing the vehicle from park it moved a little easier. So we call the inlaws and request some gas. After enduring the cheesy ass grins of the father in law and Nosaj we are on our way. Back to the gas station and then over to the in-laws. Otherwise, nothing much happened on Turkey day.

That is all I have right now. I am being pulled away from the keyboard. It is my day off which means I will be more tired tonight than when I go to work.

Home Sweet Home

You can all rest easy now. I am back from the evil upper northeast. I learned a couple things up there. There are lots and lots of Italians. They can cook up storm. And they charge an arm and a leg at the restaurant. I think I gained about a dozen lbs. I probably look as fat as Lumpy now.

So what is worse than a 500 mile round trip? How about rain all the way up and all the way back home. Not enough? How about tornado warnings on the way home. Still not enough? How about a tire blowout when you still have 30 miles left to travel home. Yes that is the story of my wonderful trip. Squatting on the side of I95, changing a tire in the rain, watching a cop drive by and not stop to help. They don't wonder why I don't contribute to their charities do they?

So today I get to go find a new tire and hope my rim is ok. Loads and loads of fun. At least I didn't get beat down for a PS3. I just saw on the news where there were riots at some stores. Sweet. A bunch of nerds battling for a game console. I hope the Sandwich Artist wasn't part of it.

Retraction

Ok. It has been brought to my attention that the Schweet, otherwise known as Doogie claims he is not really gay. You can see how a mistake was made though, right? So to prove his heterosexualness he decided the best thing would be to jam his pie hole with man-meat. Wait. It is not exactly how it sounds. After watching a video on YouTube he attempted and was successful at eating an Ocho. An Ocho you ask? Well BK has a Quad burger. Four big ass meat patties and a bunch of other crap like bacon and cheese and bread and fat. Well little 110 lb Schweet ate 2 of them. Yup. He did it. He had a couple belches at the end that shook his whole body and I thought it was all over. Cause if he had yakked that mess up then I probably would have been sick too. Fortunately he can handle the meat. So I declare here and now that the Schweet is not too gay. Wait, I mean he is not gay at all. He just likes meat.

I write this from a secret hideaway. It is not really a secret but I don't want my family to find me. I am in hotel with beer and tv and Internet and I get to sleep later. I know I have to go back, but not today. Of course I went out for dinner and asked the waitress what was on draft. A simple enough question. She replied that they did not serve alcohol. I looked around and saw that almost every other table had alcohol. I told her if this was a racist thing, look again, I AM WHITE, I AM NOT SYRIAN. She said that you can bring your own alcohol and drink it there but they can't sell it. OK. I asked if this was the norm in the Garden State. No. I was just lucky. I picked the ONE restaurant in town that doesn't sell alcohol. Don't look for a return visit.

I spoke to our good friend from the south tonight. She said that her mom has been sick so she has been busy. But she did bring a smile to my face by letting me know her house is still a hostel. Her PREGNANT niece, her niece's 5 year old child AND her niece's boyfriend are all coming to stay with sweet Aunt LotsaRooms.

UPDATE- Ebone there are deer in VA and MD. You don't have to go to NY to NOT shoot one. I passed a truck on the way up here and he had killed two of them.

I AM GAY.

BREAKING NEWS....BREAKING NEWS......



The entire world is now gay. I cannot stand it. Lance Bass is gay. Melissa Ethridge is gay. And now Doogie Friggin Howser is GAY. There is even rumors that a character on LOST will be gay this season. What? This just isn't right. It is getting worse and worse. Now our very own Doogie, the Schweet has announced he is of the rump ranger variety. I think he is just going through a phase. We can only hope and pray for the Schweet. What happened to the good old days when people were straight.

Now I might not be the most politically correct guy, but I found out some disturbing things about my wife yesterday. Her friends have labeled her high maintenance. We were going out for lunch without kids. We had decided on Chinese. Well the restaurant I chose was not up to par. It seemed like a good joint from the outside but it was rather weak upon entrance. She started in on a tirade about eating dog and cat and saying she would rather eat dirt than let me choose the restaurant again. I got a glimpse into the evil side of this woman. I was disturbed.

On a humorous note: I got a call the other night. I will not mention the guy's name but let us just say he has been mentioned before in this here blog. He calls me up asking if I or any of my kids own a particular pair of socks. What the F?? You are calling me at 9pm to ask about my wardrobe???? He is describing the clothing articles when it dawns on me why. Mr. Worried has found these socks in his home, maybe in a dresser drawer, maybe in a corner, who knows. But he has found these socks and realize they are not his. This leads him to jump to the conclusion that his old lady is banging the mailman, Shwanns food guy AND the meter reader. I begin to crack up inside. The socks he has described are my son's. The boy can't keep track of any of his posessions. You can invite him to your crib and you will always get some sort of gift because he will leave something there. I say this partially embarrassed because I left a sweat-shirt at Ebones the other night when we played poker. One way or another I finally had to just tell Nervous Nelly that we had never seen the socks before. Why do you ask?

I am always there to help a friend.


Oh yeah. I never got to finish the last blog I was working on about kidz. You know why? Because I have kids and they never let me alone.

Kidz

Kids are great most of the time. The only problem is when the time comes that they are not nice, you can't get rid of them. You could try to duct tape them together but you would probably get caught.

On those days when they are kind of cool, you can do things like hit Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday while the rest of the poor shmuck work force is busy at work.And whomever tells you that the basketball game at the Chucksters is not fun must just suck at the basketball game at the Chucksters. Fortunately I am not that dude.

5 on 13

OK. I know you have missed me. I have a lot on tap so I might have to break it up into a couple entries.

First off I have a chilling gas station story. Last week I was driving to work and realized I was without my wallet. That is fine as I had my lunch packed but then I realize I have no gas. This, too, turned out to be ok. I was carpooling with the Ebone and had enough gas to get to the commuter lot. The wife had an appointment somewhere past the car lot and would be able to drop my wallet in my car and I could fuel up on the way home. Well I never got in touch with her before she left the house so I had to fall back on plan B. I would hit up Ebone for a 20 spot and be done with it. Well I kind of fell asleep on the way home and when I woke up at the lot the loan slipped my mind. SO now Ebone is gone and I am on fumes. I start fumbling through the ride for change. I come up with the $2.00 in quarters. WEAK. Not what I want to do but I have no choice. I have often wondered who actually pays with cash any more. Now I know. Well I get to the gas station and do a deep cavity search of the ride. I, fortunately, find my poker winnings container. Well most of it is in quarters but I happen to find a $5 spot. I am saved. Still walking into the Qwikky Pikky with a five is not nice but much better than with 8 shiny quarters. Thus I had to speak the dreaded words, "I'll take five on thirteen".

In other news, I have dropped a couple lbs lately. Just eating smaller portions, snacking less and a slight, slight drop in beer consumption. Well I got the dagger on Tuesday. We were picking up Happy Ass meals for the kids at McDs and the wife pummels my midsection with one sentence. "Hey honey, the have McRibs again." Now I have willpower most of the time. I am not watching porn 24/7 online. I am not eating cakes all night. I don't even drink too many sudsies on the weekends and almost none during the week. But I cannot turn down a McRib. I ordered 4 and knocked them out in the next 18 hours. I am WEAK.

Lumpy is back in town. The big poker game is on for Friday. Lumpy had issues earlier this week with trick-or-treaters. He was trying to stand his ground and refuse candy to children that didn't have costumes on or children that were not of his same ethnic background. He was overruled by his better half. Fortunately for him, because them damn kids would have egged his stingy ass.

On the disturbing front, check out Sandwich Artist's Myspace page. What is more disturbing to you, SA with a cowboy hat and a little boy, or his list of friends? You know what is more disturbing to me? The fact that I am going to training out of town and I have to share a room with this freak.

I have a bunch of kid stories so I will have to write another post for them. But I do have a Neckbone update. No, he hasn't dragged his fat ass to the tennis courts to let me drub him, but he has surfaced. He hates his job, wants to crawl back to his old job. You would think that he would beg and plead to get his comfy job back. No. He wants a raise!!!! The friggin cajones on some people.

Whats New to You

Every day I find out something interesting. Some times I learn things at work. Some days my kids amaze me with wit or stupidity or pure evil. Here are some of the things I learned this week.

Nobody at work can tell the truth. People are failing the truth test faster than my wife gets pregnant. I am glad I got out of that den of liars. They can only bring you down.

I learned that I can obviously pick a football team because my fantasy team is ranked numero uno in the league. I just beat that Ebone ass and had to hear him cry about it.

Sandwich Artist realized he has no athletic ability, no fantasy football skills (0-7), so now he has resorted to karate against kids. KAK is his new hobby. That and treating his body like an amusement park.

El Quad is still alive. I need to change the link on the side of the page. He has resurfaced with his blog here. Check it out. He has stories about the Ebone.


Speaking of Ebone. I would love to tell you he went to New York and bagged a bear. Or a deer. Or a friggin possum. But alas no. He came home with his bow and arrows intact and a little frostbite on his little E. Sitting in a tree for 6 hours a day in freezing cold rain sounds like fun to me.

Lumpy is back. Well almost. He is headed back East for business in a few weeks and we have a card game planned. We were going to schedule something for the rest of the weekend but Ebone said they need some Alone time to catch up. OK then.

I talked to Lumpy yesterday. He is taking some training at home online. He told me he had multitasked during the instruction. I can only imagine that meant he pulled out the little Lumpy and saluted the instructor. He is a sick, sick man.

QuickPix

See, I told you, we aren't gay if our eyes are shut. Sweet.



I'm too sexy for my jeans, so sexy it's mean.



No, Dick, they are not the same shirt. Mine is SHORT SLEEVE, his is long sleeve. DUH.

Obit

I am writing this in case I die this week. The dreaded Hawkman flu will not leave my family alone. I have had a cold for it seems like the last month. This damn thing will just not go away. I think I have kicked it and it comes back stronger. I sit here tonight hoping it is not my last night alive. If it is, then I would not be able to report all the hoopla to you. Here is what I have since the last time I wrote you.

Neckbone/BirdFluMan still hates his job and is looking for new employment. Imagine that. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You run from one demon (lies) and smack dab into another one (actual work). I will keep you posted on his job status and start accepting donations should he end up jobless.

The Human Tumor might be coming back. He had an interview with The Company and might be on his way to gainful employment again. Hopefully his fake tumor will not resurface again after I vouched for his lazy ass. Do you know hard it is to say good things about someone while thinking about how he laid on the couch for months while Sugar Plum fairies danced around his overgrown noggin.

The tennis season seems to be on continued hiatus. I realize that I will never get to play Neckbone again but hopefully soon the rest of us can get some matches in before the winter. Maybe this week guys?

Rumor central. Mini-Paul is not happy in the Midwest. At least not with The Company. He is looking for other sources of income. Given all his other skills, he should have no problem. As long as there is always a market for Boy Scout troop leaders or potato gun shooters, he will always be employed. WHAT? There is not a high demand for those things? DAMN, he might be ass-out.

Our other midwest friend, Lumpy, is eagerly awaiting his first spawn. We can all wish him the best and wish the best for the little one - Don't look like daddy. Don't look like daddy.

I don't have much status on the Ebone, except for the fact that he is not a liar anymore. He is now a prevaricator. I had to come up with a new name for someone that good. They finally told him, "You got nothing new for us, we got nothing new for you." Basically technical speak for 'Don't call us, we'll call you'. Hey Ebone, your phone won't be ringing.

Wrong Number

I talked to a buddy of mine today. This is a great story. I am pausing LOST right now to bring it to you. My buddy met this chick. These stories with him usually end with one of the following: she filed a restraining order against me; i got kicked out of the bar; or I am still paying rent on an apartment that her and her boyfriend lived in. Those are all funny in their own way but this one was nice and quick. He said they seemed to get along and then she reached into her purse to give up the number. He called the next day. He didn't get Suzy SleepsAround, instead he got The Rejection Hotline. That is awesome. They have local numbers all over the country. Find a local number and make the call. You will enjoy it.

One other brief story that is bound to have a bad ending. I was supposed to meet Captain Redneck at the local high school to use their tennis courts. We have been using them most of the summer but now kids are back in school. I rolled up and there was a lady there in the parking lot. It was early. She said the kids didn't get out for another hour. So I rolled home and tried to call Captain on the way. I finally got ahold of him and all I hear is, "I am at the school changing my clothes, I am naked in the parking lot and the bell just rang"......I hung up and deleted my call record. I am sure it worked out ok.

Weekend Wrap-up

The weekend is over and i am beat down. I need a break from my three day break. The lowlight had to be the funeral on Friday and then the 3 1/2 hour drive back home in rush hour traffic. If people are going to die, they could at least do it during off peak hours. I shouldn't be rude but what do they care, they didn't have to drive back home on 95 on a Friday no less.

The highlight was going to be the crab feast I had on Saturday. It was working out nicely. We had an afternoon in the park, shooting model rockets and the kids played with friends. The location of the park put us closer to the crab shack. And then I blew it. I asked our friends how long it takes to get to their house because they live near the crab place. I did not want to be late. This somehow got turned into me taking my crabs over to the friends house to eat. That would have been all fine and good if they were they to serve me crabs and beer but they wanted to partake in my crusteceasan friends. Being of such big heart, I obliged. Either it was the big heart or the wife forcing me to part with part of my catch. One way or another, I shared. So much for the last crab haul of the season.

I began to get sick over the weekend. Now things change. I mean the wife has been battling illness for three weeks but now the gloves are off. I am sick. The bread winner, the man of the house, the big whiner. I don't like being sick. I need people to take care of me when I am even the littlest bit sick. She hasn't been able to smell or taste for weeks but I have a little sore throat and shit will change. No more feeling sorry for herself, she better get on the stick and start waiting on me. Damn women.

I can't wait to get to work. E-bone went on a golf trip with El Quad and his croonies. I can only assume someone got molested or passed out or both. Here's to the brotherhood.

Almost Forgot

I was looking at all the hits the blog has been receiving. One such hit came from a google search of 'Nosaj the Great'. I was curious so I did the same search. There is actually a Morcheeba song with lyrics pertaining to Nosaj the Great. I can only assume they are not talking about our Nosaj but you never know.

Guess Who Is Back

How appropriate that my first blog back from vacation would coincide with my boy's first NASCAR victory in five long years. Jeff Burton won at the Monster Mile yesterday to snap a 175 race winless streak. Sweet.

The vacation was a success. The family is still talking to one another so that is a good thing after being together for an entire week. I wanted to do two things while on vacation, eat crabs and play tennis. I did neither. Timing was just a little off for both. Not that it matters because Neckbone has indefinitely postponed our championship match. He claims he is swamped at work. (Translation-no Internet at new job) He even offered to allow me to be the champ without playing the final but I refused. If it takes until next year when he is unemployed again, I will wait. I want to see the look of horror on his face when I beat him like a step child that stole from me.

There were no real funny incidents at the beach that did not involve the Hawkman family. And there were only a couple of them. One was the look of pure anguish when the family saw the extreme crib we were occupying. Maybe saving a buck or two has its drawbacks. The other, slightly more funny, incident involves Hawkmans pops. Pops was on a tour of the crib and its 7 bedroom, 11 bathroom massiveness when obviously the body betrayed him. He needed to find a toilet and remedy the situation. Well he had his choice; public stalls in the halls of each floor, an outdoor john near the pool or even a squat spot in each bedroom. Hawkman Sr. fearing he would never again crap in such digs chose the master facility. He sets up camp in the most plush stall of them all. Rumor has it that his 30 minute massive involved a trip to the steam shower but no one can confirm or deny and he only gave a quick smile when asked about it. Those crazy Hawkmen.

I joined the ranks of MYSPACE morons today. Sandwich Artist, SteelerFanBoy and Doogie have pages so I added mine out there too. It looks like a good place to meet chicks or dudes if you are single and desperate. So their pages make sense. Check me out at Superjiggye

Life's A Beach

Well I am at the beach enjoying some much deserved vacation. We all arrived at the vacation home safely and without incident and most surprisingly, without traffic. We met the Hawkman family at church and learned that their beach abode was a little under the weather. I mean it was just minor complaints like a room smelling like cat piss or a screened in porch that looked like a hurricane victim or beds with dirty sheets. You know, the normal complaints. We had not arrived at our home so we had no way to know if we were going to suffer the same conditions.

We finally roll into casa de Jiggy. It was, lets say, just a little more suited to the needs of the Jiggy than the Hawkman Roach Motel. I sat around in the hot tub the first night and wondered aloud how to resolve my most pressing dilemma. Should I watch the Skins game on the 10 foot theater room HD tv or should I watch it up in the game room on a 60 inch plasma while playing pool. The father in law decided the best way to find an answer was to ask the Hawkman.

The trip has been going smoothly other than the Skins debacle. They are really pissing me off. Oh well. I will worry about that when I get home. We found the liquor store last night and if we can just get Nosaj to buy some beer we will be all good.

Oh yeah. One other thing. Hawkmans brother is going to be sued. We were playing a little friendly game of beach football when the oaf broke my toe. I think a cool million might make it feel a little better. I will keep you posted. The other highlight or lowlight from the football game was a beautiful Joe Montana like pass from the Jiggy to the Hawkman who should have just blown by Nosaj for yet another score but stumbled and bumbled like Fridge Perry in the wide open and fell a few yards short of the end zone.

This Crazy, Crazy World

Here is what I have learned in the last 24 hours.

First, do not, and I repeat do not ever try to carpool with the Ebone. He understands the principle of carpooling. Yet it is the actually deed that he cannot grasp. You know, the part about actually going to the carpool lot and meeting the other carpool member. Even if you call him the day before, he will supposedly forget.

Next. Today is Ebone's birthday. I know this because his boss came to his desk today and gave him a big hug and a snack. It looked like apple fritters. I say looked like because fatty didn't offer any to me so I just have to guess. Sandwich Artist had the quote of the day when asked what Ebone had eaten today. He said 'Ebone had eaten all morning. That is what he has eaten today'. Fatty.

Ebone might still be the Carpooler of the year but he is no longer the Father of the Year. His escapades of taking his 10 year old sons to Hooters can't touch my new friend. I was at the kids hockey practice last night when FOTY comes over and starts up the conversation. I know he started the conversation because I generally hate people and don't try to talk to them. Anyways, he informs me that he had some bonding time over the summer with his 10 year old kid. He took him cross-country in his rig. I assume he is a trucker. And they had a little three day stop at Sturgis. He encountered lots of naked women or so his father says. He also got to cuss out some other truckers on the radio. Nice. I realized that my son won't be having sleep overs at that kids house.

Next I learned that people are freaks. I really knew this but not to this extend. SteelerFanBoy and Sandwich Artist were talking about past conquests and I was eavesdropping. Because of this, I am not sure exactly who said what but one of them distinctly said that he makes his women ice themselves down so they feel more like a dead chick when he is banging them. Wow. Didn't see that one coming.

This might be the creme de la creme. Doogie informed us that he got to shake his head on his poly appointment. What do I mean? Let me explain. Instead of the mind challenging and physically daunting task of replying Yes or No to a battery of questions, little Doogie nodded his head like a friggin mime. What is that all about? I inquired further. He was allowed to rock his head like it was on a swivel because (hold on for this) because he swallows too much when he answers. Damn I wish I didn't know that.

Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

You know how things seem to go right for a while and then, POW, everything turns bad. Well, everything is going good right now so I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let me recount my week for you.

Hurricanes/Tropical storms Ernesto and Florence have sidestepped my vacation destination and there seems to be no more disturbances out there right now. So next week's vacation might happen without weather issues. That is a good thing. I don't like crowds of people and I definitely didn't want to be in an evacuation situation with thousands of people that I don't like.

Tennis took a nice turn for the better too. I got my revenge against the Philipino Flash. You know how great teams and pros have their nemisis right? Cowboys/Skins. Sox/Yanks. Agassi/Sampras. Connors/McEnroe. Lakers/Celtics. Captain Redneck/The English Language. Lumpy/Dignity. Packers/Bears. Ebone/The Truth. Well, we are all familiar with these. I can say that Mini Les was that nemesis for me on the hardcourts. I was finally able to overcome his game and hand him the beatdown he so desperately needed. His Michael Chang leaps, his switching of raquets, his power serves, all for nothing. I am not saying that it wasn't close but he had ghosts of ancestors past coming back and dissing him for crapping on the family name.

Now Neckbone is the only thing standing between The Jiggy and the title. In reality, the only thing standing between me and the title is the calendar. As soon as we are able to play, it should be over.

Then last nite, Jeff Burton made the Chase for the Cup. Roddick won in the semis and will play Federer tonight. Russian hottie Sharipova graced my television last night and won. It was a good sports weekend too, so far. And the NFL is back. Are YOU ready for some football??

Where does the time go?

It seems like I have less and less time to write these entries. Having to actually work at work is killing me. I think I will have to do something about that.

Last week the E-bone met the same fate as the others. He stepped up his game only to get smacked back to reality. Next up is a rematch with mini Les. Hopefully I will fair a little better this time.

Last night on the way home the wife got pulled over for speeding. She got all bitter that Johnny Law was bothering us on our way home knowing that it was past the kids bedtime and they were tired. He must have felt sorry for us when he saw the million kids in the car or he liked our church bumper sticker. One way or another he let her go. Good thing we got her expired driver's license replaced on Friday as well as getting the expired inspection sticker replaced on Friday, because he looked at both. Whew.

That was truly a great day. She spent an hour and a half at the beautiful DMV with half of Mexico and obviously the 75% of the workforce that doesn't ever seem to work in my town. She had multiple conversations with the local weirdos. She kept calling me on the cell phone to complain but I acted like I had no reception from the parking lot. Eventually I got bored and ran over to get the truck inspected with all the kids in tow. Of course I wasn't done in time so she had to wait an extra half hour in DMV hell waiting for me. She was happy about that.

Probably the most horrific story of the weekend is about the Butcher of Bayonne. The wife got a great idea. She would cut my hair for me and save me a trip to town and $15. Never have I wished more that I spent $15 for a cut. It actually wasn't that bad except for the time when she is hacking away with the clippers. She has been going at it for a good twenty minutes and realizes that if you just run the clippers with the guard against the head that it cuts evenly. WOW. REALLY? That is the purpose of the guard!!!!!!! Well I don't have to bother with combing and primping in the mornings. So she saved me time AND money. Sweet.

I spent the savings on a knife. My kitchen blades were weak. Even though I had asked Hawkman for the name of a good blade, he let me down. So I sought help elsewhere and chose the Wusthof. It was a $95 blade but I found it at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I actually used one of the thousands of 20% off coupons they mail me.

Nosaj wants a rematch today. So maybe I can write tomorrow about losing at tennis. Nah, I doubt it.

Nosaj The Great ??

My man Nosaj hasn't been in the blog lately. That changes today. Last weekend the great Nosaj blew me off on a scheduled tennis date for a poker game. That might not have been too bad. Poker is relaxing, tennis is tiring. Poker allows you to drink beer and socialize. The only problem is he didn't invite me to the poker game. He chose to not call me and just roll to the poker table. Rude. Alas karma bit him in his ass as he was the first one out of the game. Can you say NO POKER FACE? He got his $10 entry fee worth of food and beer while the others continued to play. He is nothing if not resourceful.

So this weekend, I didn't expect him to show up for tennis, but he did. I have to play Ebone this week and I needed some practice. Waxing Mini Lumpys ass didn't do the trick. I was going to warm up agains the Nosaj. Now fortunately for me, Nosaj is a young guy. He is in decent shape and usually pretty athletic. Unfortunately for me, none of that translates a bit into tennis skill. I could have warmed up more playing pocket pool. To say that it was a cakewalk would be to embarass the cake. And I like me some cake.

I took one of my many offspring with me as a witness. He started crying at the way Nosaj was making error after error. He screamed, 'Daddy, that's not tennis. That is a mockery of the game.' I took him home and had to rock him to sleep. The horror.

Relaxing Weekend

It is early Saturday morning. The kids are rising and the chaos of another day will soon begin. Let me try to catch you all up on the goings on before they burn the house down.

We can start with the tennis. We are down to the final four. E-bone is my next opponent with the winner gaining a date with Mini Les. And then on to Neckbone in the final. It would be disappointing if I never get to play Neckbone in this tourney. But I have my work cut out for me.

Lumpy got out of town at the right time. I just can't see his lumbering ass running around the tennis courts. He has actually lost weight. He went to another nut case out in St. Louis. How he finds these freaks, I do not know. This one probably tops them all. It was in a house, not a doctor's office and he let this woman jam a hose up his ass to cleanse his colon. He paid $160 for three treatments of these tomfoolery. Then when she jams gallons of water up his hind, he runs to the bathroom and unleashes holy hell in the next room. Talk about two people with NO shame. Him for releasing the hounds and her for sitting there wafting in the aroma. Brings chills to the body just imagining it. One way or another, fatty dropped 8 pounds in a weekend due to this. More cheeseburgers and brats are needed before he fades away to nothingness.

Surprisingly the kids haven't done too much to warrant a post here lately. School has started and the they are busy so not too much time to destroy my home and everything I own.

The Oracle seems to like his new job. He still surfs the web but just from a new building. Same web, different spot. Neckbone had his last day and Mini Lumpy is almost out the door too. Somehow we still manage to stay afloat. And on a sad note, Ebone has failed his truth test for the third time. I mean, how many times do you have to go to realize you cannot tell the truth. This latest debacle involved him lying about hurting friends and family. You know, stealing from your buddies when you spend the night at their house. Leaving the family for weeks at a time to supposedly hunt or golf knowing full well you were on some bender with some crack ho. Did we learn nothing from Neckbone. If you can't tell the truth, run and hide at a different job until they come looking for you there too. Stick and move, man, stick and move.

Updates. And More.

I promised some pictures. Here they are. The first few are courtesy of Lumpy. If I outweighed the motorbike by several hundred pounds, I wouldn't be forwarding my pics all around.







I do not know what that last one was about but it was there.

Here is a rundown of the goings on in the Jiggy World. Summer is almost over. And Lumpy has just started with the good stories. I will save his story for the next post. Yesterday was a tennis day. Mini Lumpy gave me a run for my money. But in the end, he folded like a cheap suit. He, however, put up more fight than Mini Les put up against Neckbone. I won't say that Neckbone owns him but ... OK yes I will say that. He does. The way Mini Les pounds everyone else and then shutters up against the big man makes me sick. I just can't understand it. I also don't understand Lumpy's wardrobe choices most times but I just live with it.

A long crazy weekend

Well it has been a several days since I last wrote in this blog. I am sure you missed me and fortunately for you, I have several good, stories. So let us begin.

I took off a couple days last week and made a long weekend of it. I took the wife on a little vacation without most of the children. Those spawn I left in the care of my parents. I have not heard from the parents since I let them escape the house. I keep calling but they don't answer. I suppose I will have to cross them off the babysitter list. We went to Williamsburg. Not a distant trip but far enough just the same. The wonderful wife was excited about not having to make breakfast for the kids and being able to enjoy the hotel's continental breakfast at her leisure. Of course we just botched that whole thing on the first morning and slept right through breakfast. I had no problem with that, ten straight hours of sleep is sweet. She was bitter. We tooled around town, shopped, and napped.

Here are some pics of cows at the local outlet mall. I do not know why they were there but they were so I took the pics.




One night we were trying to get our meal on and stopped at the Outback. It was full as Outbacks usually are. The wife needed to breastfeed, so we parked in the carryout space and she starts feeding as I pull out the laptop and search for a hot spot. Along comes slim and taps on the window to find out if we needed a carryout order as he gawks at the boob. You figure he gets his peek on and rolls, right? No, not slimmy, he waits a few and comes back for a little more teet. He taps again, asking us to move so a carryout customer can park there. The wife informs him that she is in the middle of something and we will move just as soon as humanly possibly. He grabs another eyeful and splits.

We ended up at some high dollar, over priced seafood joint. The best part was watching this group of necks and their spawn roll in. I knew they were out of their league so I watched in enjoyment. They ordered beers and drinks and then opened the menus. They got up and walked out shortly after noticing there was no hamburgers or corn dogs on the menu. Fancy little waiter boy got a kick out of this too.

The highlight of the trip had to be on the way home. There was a traffic jam on I-64 and we were cruising slowly down the road when I spied something off to the right. Perhaps this was the cause of the backup, a tractor trailer on the side of the road. No, the jam extended further. But as I glance back at the rig, i notice that Ace the driver is on the other side doing his business. How do I know this? Because from under the truck you can his white ass bent over and what is that? Brownies??? No!!! A big pile of shit on the highway. Not even gonna step into the woods?? Nope, not him. Squat on the shoulder. Nice. Unfortunately traffic was moving just a little too fast or I would have snapped a pic for your amusement.

I have some more pics I will get up shortly. There was this old dude that thought he was a punk rocker. Scary. Lumpy has sent pics of the world's strongest motorcycle. It holds his wide body up so it must be tough. I also have pics of my visit to RFK for the Nats game.

Let me tell you real quickly about that. Kids birthday party. For me that means Chucky Cheese or Fun Land or Build a Bear. Not anymore. Just tell your major league baseball team that your kid has peanut allergies and they will hook you. We had 20 some kids and a dozen adults in a luxury box at the game.


Real nice. We had to keep the allergic kids away from the peanuts and me away from the horrible things you call other people. I took my youngest son to the very top of the stadium to show him where we would be sitting if daddy had to buy the tickets.


From now on, we walk around with Just Say No To Nuts shirts and Nationals hats. I can no longer sit with the common folk now that I have stepped over the line.

GhostFace Killah

Well the dentist checked out my grill. He said that a white crown that would match my chicklets won't hold. His plan is to put a gold crown in my mouth.


Now I will have to come up with a cool rapper name. Any suggestions will be taken into consideration.

Detached Retina and Broken Tooth

Well the weekend that started with a shopping spree until the late hours of Friday night only got better. Saturday morning called for a trip to Potomac Mills Mall. If you are not familiar with this place, imagine a long one-story mall spread out over most of the length of an entire county. And now imagine that monstrosity gorged to its gills with people. Lots and lots of people. And must I remind you that I am not overly fond of people.

We only spent a few hours in this hell hole but a few hours in a mall with a bunch of children seems like forever. I kept a cheery face though, being the good husband and father that I am.

Later we rolled up on my parents to mooch a free meal. Right after dinner we moved to the television room and I saw one of the greatest television programs ever. It was a Bratwurst eating championship from Wisconsin. The master of jamming weiners down his throat, Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi set a new world record. It was incredible. I have found my calling. When I retire, I am hitting the competitive eating tour.

During the after meal festivities my father and my son are throwing a semi soft rubber ball at each other. Harmless enough until the little monster (not my dad, he would be the older grumpy monster) beans me in the eye with the damn ball. Great, I know eye surgery is in my future. Fortunately I escaped with blurred vision and a headache.

Sunday brought church and a relaxing day. I did a little housework, watched the race and took a nap. Perfect day. Oh except for the fact that I broke a tooth during dinner. Bit into an olive and hit a pit. Now I have to visit the dentist today.

If that isn't enough for one weekend, I spoke to Lumpy today. He is always good for a laugh or two. Turns out he and his lovely bride were boozing it up and some snobby affair and fatboy drops a funnel cake on the ground. No stranger to squeezing blood from a stone, Lumpy picks up the mud covered cake and deposits it in his piehole. What a site he must have been. I can only say, 'Lumpy you are the man'.

Hell on Earth

So here it was, Friday, the end of the work week, time to relax and enjoy a beer with dinner and recover from the rat race. But NO. Virginia, along with several other states, has thrown a dagger into the mix. TAX FREE WEEKEND. Of course my wife, Eva Save-Alittle decides we need to save some tax money. We head out to the mall and of course we have to have dinner while we are out. I avoid the high-end restaurants and manage to convince her the herd can survive on mall food. We begin shopping. Store after no air-conditioned store and we still cannot find any shoes for the womenfolk in our brood.

We move away from the mall and head over to the other horrible shopping entity in town. At least we are going to Kohls and I can get something for myself. They are having an all night sale. Guess who is not getting home anytime soon?

Then the second dagger hits home. As we cruise by the teacher store, the wife needs to go in JUST FOR A SECOND. That is when I spy Turtle lady. She is one of the wife's best friends and the slowest creature on Earth. I try to intercept the eye contact but to no avail. This time I just sat in the vehicle while the kids watched a movie and the wife gabbed and shopped. Eons later we are off again.

Kohls is a great store. I love it. It is cheap and I like the stuff. But, damn, it is always crowded. We get there after 8ish and it is mobbed. No carts, a bad sign. We split up and I have the oldest boy go steal a cart from someone that has turned their back. Sneaky, sneaky. We somehow escape after almost two hours. Still no shoes for the girls. The wife found some of course.

On the way home, we are again detoured. The HOT light was on at Krispy Kreme. We snag a few boxes and get the kids home and in bed by 10ish. Then I pass out in the chair from exhaustion.

Sooooo, to save myself $10 from the state, it cost me a couple hundred in clothes, probably about $30 in mall food and $10 in doughnuts. Not to mention the gallons and gallons of $3.00 a gallon gas we guzzled. All in all a good night of savings.


On to other news. Miss-leave-the-group-and-move-to-the-south now has a blog. Check it out at traitor.com. OK. Maybe that isn't the real name. Turns out she rolled at a good time. The band is breaking up and the glory days are almost over. Seriously, just click on the link and visit her dog-love page. Or whatever it is.

Another year goes by without me making it to the Maine Lobster Festival. Maybe next year.

Worst Case Scenario

Let me first wish a fond farewell to The Oracle. Many nicknames were offered from the readers but none stuck like that one. He is good at what he does and his opinion is valued by his peers. Oh and oracle and orifice are similar doesn't hurt either. We will miss you Oracle.


Now on to the more pressing issue today. I took the day off to write this because it is important to get it out in the open. Last week I suffered a devastating loss to Mini Les. It was not so much the loss that has shaken me but the instant ramifications. Neckbone witnessed the match with his voodoo doll and I could see the gleam in his eye as it ended. He was tasting a piece of the Jiggy and that can only mean trouble.

I got home and told Nosaj the news. His next statement was about how he now wanted a piece of the man. See what you started Mini Les? Your well-fought battle (fluke)will only lead these others to the glaring altar of defeat. Egos will be pumped and then deflated more than they can imagine. Not only will I take out my frustrations on them, but I long to embarrass them, one by one until I again meet you on the courts.

I suppose that will not be this week as the temperatures will reach near 100 all week. I can't get the geezers out there on a 85 degree day much less when it hits the century mark.

Quick side note. The wife drove us to church yesterday and did a splendid parking job. She got 95% of the vehicle in the lines. What she also did was park the rig so that the front tires were turned. I noticed on the way out that the insides were bald and coming apart. $750 later and Costco reported a quarterly profit and I again had a safe driving family. It must have been a sign from God. Either that or the woman just can't park. At least she didn't back into anyone on the way out THIS time.

News Flash

This just in: Lance Bass is gay. That is no big shocker. Dude was in a friggin boy band. If you hadn't heard rumors of him tapping a bunch of hotties these last few years, there has to be a reason. Girls flock to the boy bands like they run from the Sandwich Artist. So this should have come as no surprise. It is like saying, Mini Lumpy announces he is lazy. Stop the presses. Neckbone announces he has issues with the truth. Really? Stunner. Wait. Hold on, here is a hot story, Lumpy is cheap. NOOOOOOOOOO. All these secrets revealed today. I cannot take it anymore.

Hopefully E-bone has arrived back to Casa de Bone safely and he has tons of Salmon or Tuna or Whale or whatever the hell he caught out there.

Crazy Old Man

Crazy old man on a roof. Sounds like the title of a good book. Take a look at this nut. He is a great guy, but damn if I was going up on that ladder. The roof got fixed and that is a good thing.

E-bone is coming home tomorrow. The next day is the beginning of the end. The first of many farewell luncheons. We will be saying goodbye to the only guy in the group that hasn't had a nickname. So if anyone can think of a good one before Thursday, let me know. I am sure I can add a few pictures of him with his new name.

So the tiny little hole in the ground is slowly slipping away from us. We were able to manage with the departure of Lumpy, we just added Mini Lumpy and he even did less work. We lost the only chick in the group as she moved on to greener pastures and replaced her with another woman, Sandwich Artist. Now I have been told I can split my time between another location and the home base as long as I spend 100% of the time at the other location. Neckbone and E-bone are on their way out as are Sandwich Artist and Steeler Fan Boy, just the last two don't know it yet. These are sad times. Captain Redneck is the only one that will be left. And since we know he did all the work anyways, that is all that really matters.

The Company You Keep

Sometimes it seems like people act differently depending on their surroundings. Say you have a friend, Hawkman for instance, and he is totally opposed to playing cards. He won't come over for a poker game without the old lady. He won't even play a game of spades or hearts as couples. Then this friend moves out of state and he becomes MR. HEARTS, playing coed during the week, even partner (card partner) swapping on the weekend. That would only lead me to believe he did like cards, just not the surroundings.

Sorry for that little rant. Today I get a call that the next round of the tennis tournament is being scheduled for this week. First my opponent keeps changing. I think since I am out of the office, the rest of them gather round and decide who is playing the best that week and that is my opponent. I mean, why did I bust my ass whooping them down for the last three months???? To play the weaker people in the bracket first, let the other heavyweights knock themselves out and face a tired opponent in the finals. Makes sense, doesn't it? Seriously, do the number one seeds in football and baseball get toyed with because the 6th seed is out of town? Or the 5th seed has an ingrown toenail? I don't think so. But no need crying over spilled milk. The set em up, I knock em down. Mini Les you are next.

Funny story. Over the weekend, I am trying to find out the prices on a bushel of crabs. I am in the car and don't have the number but am pretty sure what it is. I have bad reception but I hear the dude mumble something like Crab Shack. The conversation goes like this.
Me: You got crabs today?
Crab dude: Am I open today? Yes, at noon.
Damn crappy reception.
Me: How much for a bushel?
Crab dude: No, we have no specials today.
Shit. Reception sucks. I hang up and call back when I am closer to civilization.
Me: How much for a bushel?
Crab dude: How much for a bushel of what?
Me getting pissed: Of crabs. (I wanted to add, asshole but I refrained.)
Crab dude: Dude, you want the Crab Shack. You called the Snack Shack.
Time for a new phone.


In an hour or two either me or one of my buddies is going to climb a 40 foot ladder and fix a piece on my roof. Whatcha wanna bet that it is not my Syrian ass climbing that friggin ladder. I will try to get pictures. 40 foot ladder?? Dude is insane.

Sad Day

Today I had to put down my favorite beast. It has been almost twelve years with the darn mutt and I will miss her. That is close to as long as I have known my wife and the dog yelled at me much, much less.


So after blubbering and crying my eyes out at the vet, I need to release a little frustration. I feel so sorry for the Shweetness. The ass-whomping I will put on him tomorrow on the tennis courts can only be described as horrific. He should invest in a kevlar jump suit if he doesn't want Wilson stamped all over his body. I don't choose the opponents, I just sit them down. Sorry in advance Doogie, it won't be pretty.


Some people wonder why they cannot pass a poly. Or why they are slowly (ok, not so slowly, losing their tennis edge). Take a peak and wonder no more.

Time Flies

Where has the time gone? It has been almost a week since my last entry. You would think I would have had more time since the family was out of town for a week. The old lady kept me busy with chores. I got the dining room painted, the floors are in, the A/C is working and the house is in disarray. Hopefully this weekend we can get french doors on the study and the living room. Here are a couple of things you missed since you weren't me.

-- One day last weekend, I was painting, took a break to snag a bite to eat. The phone rings. It is the Hawkman. He and Mrs. Hawkman are concerned that we are fixing up the house to sell it. I ease his concerns and notice that someone has played Blues Clues all over my floor. I know some of you don't watch children's television, so basically there are friggin paint paw prints all over my house. Only yellow, not blue.

-- Good deed of the weekend. I am taking some electronic gear to the dump when slimmie in the car next to me at the dumpster asks for my trash. I could have done an Ebone and just thrown the stuff in the dumpster with him gasping but I gave it to him.

-- Monikers. Names. You know when you are the only dude in a group of women, they say 'the guy'. Or if you are describing a midget amongst regular people, he would be 'that midget'. Well I was in an office environment when someone told me to go see the 'one-armed dude'. It is not like it was leaving me guessing, who?? Dude with the red hair? No, the one-armed dude. Mustache? No, one-armed dude. Oh, the guy with one arm? OK. I am sure when people roll up to his desk, they have who they were looking for.


-- Ebone called yesterday. He just wanted to let us know that if we hear any news stories out of Juneau about a tourist and a strip club, wasn't him. He was nowhere near that place. Just in case.


-- Tennis got cancelled for the week. At least that is what they are telling me. Probably just a ploy for them to pad their stats while I am gone. It wasn't enough that they made me go to another job, now they are scheduling tennis dates with out me.


How do you know when you are the fifth retard in a four retard shop? They ask you to go work somewhere else for a little while, maybe 100% of the time. Must be pretty bad when you screw up surfing the web. I need help.

A Day Off

Do you see any similarities between our former tennis champ



and Milton from Office Space



It was a brutal day on the courts. I say it every week but I really to need to bring more cold water. It is not easy smacking that ass every week when I am not properly hydrated. OK. It is pretty easy but I still need more water. Enough about tennis.

Today I am home performing my overseer duties. I am watching the Haji crew install my flooring and the Jethro crew install my outrageously priced A/C. As much as I hate the carpet, I am so much more excited about the Jethro crew finishing my cooling system. I came home last night to a 92 degree upstairs. Horror show.

I need to acquire some Harry Homeowner skills. All the studying I did for college and all the work I do on computers don't help me diddly at home. I need some real life skills. I would like to be able to build a deck. Not like E-bone's freakishly tall deck, but a normal human size deck.

Speaking of E-bone. Let us all wish him a healthy, happy, enjoyable vacation. He is heading out west, way out west for a little family R & R time. He has promised to bring us back some of his catches



from his charter boat excursion.



Have fun E-bone.

Brother Can You Spare $5500???

Just when you think it can't get worse, it does. I was under the impression that $232.00 was the extent of my A/C damage. That was until Saturday and the whole upstairs furnace died. Well the new number is $5500. UGLY. Ugly like that chick you picked up at the bar at 3AM. You don't think she was still solo because she looked like a supermodel?? More like a superheavyweight. But being poor is better than being hot. I was starting to sweat like Neckbone at a poly.

Freedom's just another name for nothing left to lose, nothing ain't nothing if it ain't free. - Janis Joplin

I have my freedom for the next week or so while the wife and children have been herded off to cooler climates. Freedom is what I have if you consider working my usually 40 hours plus painting, and escorting A/C repairmen and cleaning the house by myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a little alone time. Everybody needs to unwind a little. Just the other day, Sandwich Artist was talking about he needed less physical activity time (tennis) and more alone time (video games and using his body as a playground). This discovery seemed to coincide with the obvious realization that he has the athletic ability of him. Not to worry, Sandwich has improved every week we have been out there. Just this past week he only cursed. The whining has stopped. Go Sandwich.

I will not mention the total collapse of Neckbone anymore in this space. He is a good guy and just because he lies during his poly and cheats with his line calls in tennis does not mean he is a bad guy. He will rebound and win some games this week, I can feel it. Or is that just gas?

Hot, Hot, Hot

Hot, hot, hotter than hell
You know she's gonna leave you well done
Hot, hot, hotter than hell
Burn you like the midday sun - KISS


The last two days have been kind of warm in my house. The upper A/C unit was on the fritz and we were baking. Staying downstairs was a great option with the only problem being that our bedrooms are upstairs. You would think that it would cool down enough in the evenings with the windows open. You would think that but you would be dead wrong. It was felt I was living a chapter of Nosaj's afterlife. Crispy fried.

The climate is now cooler. The repairman loaded us up with freon and drained my bank account of $200 unneeded dollars. This was trip number two. He came yesterday too but the unit was frozen up and he couldn't perform his voodoo nonsense. So we boiled again last night.

Other than that, it was a good little five day break from work. No matter how much you like your job, a break is always a good thing. Me and the kids made a bumbleberry pie. We deviated from the recipe a little. I mean, what the hell is a rhubarb anyways? But it was pretty good. The kids were ecstatic because they picked the berries from the backyard themselves. A few cookouts and no real crazy kid incidents. I did get a nice quote from a five or so year old at one of the cookouts. She informed me that 'her friends mommy kissed two boys when she was younger'. Yea? You got her number?

Festive Fourth Weekend

This weekend went by quickly and was spent mostly with family. Usually I like to have a three day weekend but I ended up working last Friday. Traffic sucked on my two plus hour commute home. Fortunately Ebone drove for most of it. Unfortunately he has the navigation sense of a rock. Fortunately I didn't really care because I slept. Love the carpool when people actually show up.
Saturday had me and the herd over at the in-laws. We swam, ate, watched the fireworks and did a little drinking. I have discovered that I really like Corona I seem to be able to knock back more of those than usual beers and still feel fine. Even the next morning. So we were at the in-laws and of course that means Nosaj sightings. Nosaj was feeling bold and wanted a piece of the Jiggy on the tennis court. He wasn't bad but there was no way he was going to outlast me. His only saving grace was I had to leave to cart one of my spawn to a birthday party. Having tons of kids with tons of friends pretty much guarantees a birthday party every weekend. I get back to the festivities and begin to drink only to rediscover that Nosaj makes a mean brat. I mean he gives Lumpy a run for his money. Must be the Wisconsin thing. I also learned, however, that burger skills are not inherit of brat skills. Oh he cooked the outside just fine. It was the inside that was still moooing. I am never one to complain, yeah right, so I laid into him and he had more excuses than Carter has liver pills. I don't know what that means but old people say it alot.

Yesterday was spent with my relatives. We had a cookout and the kids were able to swim again. The extra bonus at this event was they had crabs and blueberry bushes. The kids were in heaven. The bonus for me was there were loads of relatives that had not seen the kids recently so I was able to pawn them off frequently. The cookout also involved more Coronas. These were provided by Uncle Billd who gets his first mention here. He threw the pump fake by saying he would supply the beer and then opens his cooler and hands me a Natty Light. What could I do, I had to take the offered beer. There were people around. Then everyone starts laughing as he takes back the fake beer and reaches deeper in the cooler for the Ronas. Disaster averted. Later we went back to my sister's house for a fine gourmet meal. As the sister and Billd and me and the wife are standing around the kitchen talking, I think I can sneak an ole silent gas bomb out unnoticed. Well it was silent and obviously the kids weren't making enough noise throughout her house because I was found out. I little embarrassment to end an otherwise pretty good weekend.

SleepE Bone

Carpooling is a great idea. A great idea, that is, if all parties show up on a regular basis. I am not throwing stones because there was this one time that I overslept and missed the assinged carpool time. I just don't let it happen like every time. It is bad enough if someone oversleeps but to go out partying the night before and tell everyone that you will stroll into work at noonish EXCEPT for your ride mate??? Now that is not right. Yesterday, the E-bone had an excuse. He was too fat and lazy to get out of bed. Now that I understand. Have a donut and enjoy the day E-bone. I better not rag him too hard, he has my car today.


Speaking of ragging. I must say I have heard the expression, "Bring your racquet" for months now. Well friends, yesterday I brought my racquet. To the tune of 6-2, 7-5, with a little 6-2 on SteelerFanBoy in between. I am sure it is just an anomoly but maybe I am just super good. Oh and while this drubbing was going on, Captain Redneck was going postal on Mini-Lumby. It was a sight to see. Any cars on the parkway were in danger of getting pelted by DEAD tennis balls. I guess this weeks saying might have to be "Bring your BALLS".

Small Town

Hawkman works in Raleigh. He is a big hockey fan so he took all the necessary steps to make sure he was able to be a part of the Stanley Cup parade. He didn't camp out but he ventured out almost an entire 30 minutes before the start of the parade and walked the entire block to the parade route. He got this close.








Nothing like rolling up to the parade for the champ of a major sport and getting there 20 minutes early only to be 5 feet away from the parade. Nice.


Look for pics tomorrow of The Schweetness and Sandwich Artist fighting over a female. Hell we are happy that it was a FEMALE and not a MALE. Things are turning up.

Weekend Wrap-up

This weekend was pretty busy. Had a birthday dinner for one of my many offspring. Have enough children and almost every weekend has a birthday in it. Add to that having friends with tons of children and every weekend DOES have a birthday in it. Got to love the Sunday parties. Right up there on my list of no-nos.


This Sunday was Father's Day. A nice relaxing day on the couch watching sports and drinking beer and recovering from the breakfast in bed. Only some genius had a bright idea. Let us take the man's only day to himself and schedule a ballet recital at 2pm on the most sacred of days. Didn't matter to this flamer that it was the final day of the US Open. Didn't matter that there was a NASCAR race on or that it was the middle of the World Cup.


This brings me to another quick topic. There was three males in this production. Two were older gents and obviously had made their sexuality decisions long ago. The third I felt sorry for. He was no more than 10 or 12 years old and his parents had railroaded him into this fiasco. He stands no chance in life. His fate is sealed and he doesn't even know it.


The one bright spot besides seeing my little darlings prance around the stage in outfits that cost more than my first car, was to see this little girl about 4 years old. She would do her assinged routine and instead of following the formation of other little 4 year olds to the next prancing spot, would turn tail and run off stage. They would assist her back on stage and she would repeat her routine and then again dash for the comforts behind the curtains. This went on for two or three minutes to the roaring laughter of the audience.




Today also brings sadness. Today is the 20 year anniversary of the death of Len Bias. He was one of my heros and I am still truly saddened by his passing. Fortunately he kept me from ever thinking of trying cocaine and his death turned around the program at Maryland and eventually led to the hiring of Gary Williams.

It's FriiiiiiiiiiiiDay.

To quote a famous Friday saying around the office, "I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got shit to do. - Chris Tucker.


Or another one from Office Space, "No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week. - John C. McGinley

Keep that last one in mind today Neckbone. Might not have to call July today after all.
Since I have nothing original today, no stories of destruction or mayhem from my brood, I will mention one of my favorite shows. I watched another repeat of The Office last night. That show just cracks me up. I think I might be in love with Pam.


So on a parting note, hopefully Ebone will complete his deck this weekend and invite us all over for a raging drunkfest. Not like he doesn't have raging drunkfests now, but after the deck, there is more chances of people falling in the pool. Woohoo. Beer and water mix well.

Stories

I like stories. I like to write them. I like to read them. I especially like when a story makes me laugh. I have a few of them for you today. But first, I have a not-so-funny story.


This story begins yesterday when I went out of my way to contact E-bone. I was interested in carpooling. E-bone was too. The only problem was that between our conversation and the actual pooling of the cars, was that E-bone got drunk again and blew off the ride sharing. Just didn't show up. Didn't bother with the whole unneeded courtesy call. Just slept in. He felt the need to tell his drinking buddies he was sleeping in late, just not his former car pool associate.


The rest of the stories are amusing. Kind of like the amusement I got when I added E-bone's email address to many fetish web sites while he slept in today.


Read this story and try not to laugh. There are some crazy people in this world. I also heard a couple of stories on the radio but they were from last year. I guess I was living in a box when they came out originally. Here is a good one. The story is so old, it is not on CNN anymore, but this site gives commentary in addition to the story. A bonus. The other story turned out to be a fake. It had to do with 42 midgets fighting a lion. It might not be true but midget stories usually make me laugh.