Worst Case Scenario

Let me first wish a fond farewell to The Oracle. Many nicknames were offered from the readers but none stuck like that one. He is good at what he does and his opinion is valued by his peers. Oh and oracle and orifice are similar doesn't hurt either. We will miss you Oracle.


Now on to the more pressing issue today. I took the day off to write this because it is important to get it out in the open. Last week I suffered a devastating loss to Mini Les. It was not so much the loss that has shaken me but the instant ramifications. Neckbone witnessed the match with his voodoo doll and I could see the gleam in his eye as it ended. He was tasting a piece of the Jiggy and that can only mean trouble.

I got home and told Nosaj the news. His next statement was about how he now wanted a piece of the man. See what you started Mini Les? Your well-fought battle (fluke)will only lead these others to the glaring altar of defeat. Egos will be pumped and then deflated more than they can imagine. Not only will I take out my frustrations on them, but I long to embarrass them, one by one until I again meet you on the courts.

I suppose that will not be this week as the temperatures will reach near 100 all week. I can't get the geezers out there on a 85 degree day much less when it hits the century mark.

Quick side note. The wife drove us to church yesterday and did a splendid parking job. She got 95% of the vehicle in the lines. What she also did was park the rig so that the front tires were turned. I noticed on the way out that the insides were bald and coming apart. $750 later and Costco reported a quarterly profit and I again had a safe driving family. It must have been a sign from God. Either that or the woman just can't park. At least she didn't back into anyone on the way out THIS time.

News Flash

This just in: Lance Bass is gay. That is no big shocker. Dude was in a friggin boy band. If you hadn't heard rumors of him tapping a bunch of hotties these last few years, there has to be a reason. Girls flock to the boy bands like they run from the Sandwich Artist. So this should have come as no surprise. It is like saying, Mini Lumpy announces he is lazy. Stop the presses. Neckbone announces he has issues with the truth. Really? Stunner. Wait. Hold on, here is a hot story, Lumpy is cheap. NOOOOOOOOOO. All these secrets revealed today. I cannot take it anymore.

Hopefully E-bone has arrived back to Casa de Bone safely and he has tons of Salmon or Tuna or Whale or whatever the hell he caught out there.

Crazy Old Man

Crazy old man on a roof. Sounds like the title of a good book. Take a look at this nut. He is a great guy, but damn if I was going up on that ladder. The roof got fixed and that is a good thing.

E-bone is coming home tomorrow. The next day is the beginning of the end. The first of many farewell luncheons. We will be saying goodbye to the only guy in the group that hasn't had a nickname. So if anyone can think of a good one before Thursday, let me know. I am sure I can add a few pictures of him with his new name.

So the tiny little hole in the ground is slowly slipping away from us. We were able to manage with the departure of Lumpy, we just added Mini Lumpy and he even did less work. We lost the only chick in the group as she moved on to greener pastures and replaced her with another woman, Sandwich Artist. Now I have been told I can split my time between another location and the home base as long as I spend 100% of the time at the other location. Neckbone and E-bone are on their way out as are Sandwich Artist and Steeler Fan Boy, just the last two don't know it yet. These are sad times. Captain Redneck is the only one that will be left. And since we know he did all the work anyways, that is all that really matters.

The Company You Keep

Sometimes it seems like people act differently depending on their surroundings. Say you have a friend, Hawkman for instance, and he is totally opposed to playing cards. He won't come over for a poker game without the old lady. He won't even play a game of spades or hearts as couples. Then this friend moves out of state and he becomes MR. HEARTS, playing coed during the week, even partner (card partner) swapping on the weekend. That would only lead me to believe he did like cards, just not the surroundings.

Sorry for that little rant. Today I get a call that the next round of the tennis tournament is being scheduled for this week. First my opponent keeps changing. I think since I am out of the office, the rest of them gather round and decide who is playing the best that week and that is my opponent. I mean, why did I bust my ass whooping them down for the last three months???? To play the weaker people in the bracket first, let the other heavyweights knock themselves out and face a tired opponent in the finals. Makes sense, doesn't it? Seriously, do the number one seeds in football and baseball get toyed with because the 6th seed is out of town? Or the 5th seed has an ingrown toenail? I don't think so. But no need crying over spilled milk. The set em up, I knock em down. Mini Les you are next.

Funny story. Over the weekend, I am trying to find out the prices on a bushel of crabs. I am in the car and don't have the number but am pretty sure what it is. I have bad reception but I hear the dude mumble something like Crab Shack. The conversation goes like this.
Me: You got crabs today?
Crab dude: Am I open today? Yes, at noon.
Damn crappy reception.
Me: How much for a bushel?
Crab dude: No, we have no specials today.
Shit. Reception sucks. I hang up and call back when I am closer to civilization.
Me: How much for a bushel?
Crab dude: How much for a bushel of what?
Me getting pissed: Of crabs. (I wanted to add, asshole but I refrained.)
Crab dude: Dude, you want the Crab Shack. You called the Snack Shack.
Time for a new phone.


In an hour or two either me or one of my buddies is going to climb a 40 foot ladder and fix a piece on my roof. Whatcha wanna bet that it is not my Syrian ass climbing that friggin ladder. I will try to get pictures. 40 foot ladder?? Dude is insane.

Sad Day

Today I had to put down my favorite beast. It has been almost twelve years with the darn mutt and I will miss her. That is close to as long as I have known my wife and the dog yelled at me much, much less.


So after blubbering and crying my eyes out at the vet, I need to release a little frustration. I feel so sorry for the Shweetness. The ass-whomping I will put on him tomorrow on the tennis courts can only be described as horrific. He should invest in a kevlar jump suit if he doesn't want Wilson stamped all over his body. I don't choose the opponents, I just sit them down. Sorry in advance Doogie, it won't be pretty.


Some people wonder why they cannot pass a poly. Or why they are slowly (ok, not so slowly, losing their tennis edge). Take a peak and wonder no more.

Time Flies

Where has the time gone? It has been almost a week since my last entry. You would think I would have had more time since the family was out of town for a week. The old lady kept me busy with chores. I got the dining room painted, the floors are in, the A/C is working and the house is in disarray. Hopefully this weekend we can get french doors on the study and the living room. Here are a couple of things you missed since you weren't me.

-- One day last weekend, I was painting, took a break to snag a bite to eat. The phone rings. It is the Hawkman. He and Mrs. Hawkman are concerned that we are fixing up the house to sell it. I ease his concerns and notice that someone has played Blues Clues all over my floor. I know some of you don't watch children's television, so basically there are friggin paint paw prints all over my house. Only yellow, not blue.

-- Good deed of the weekend. I am taking some electronic gear to the dump when slimmie in the car next to me at the dumpster asks for my trash. I could have done an Ebone and just thrown the stuff in the dumpster with him gasping but I gave it to him.

-- Monikers. Names. You know when you are the only dude in a group of women, they say 'the guy'. Or if you are describing a midget amongst regular people, he would be 'that midget'. Well I was in an office environment when someone told me to go see the 'one-armed dude'. It is not like it was leaving me guessing, who?? Dude with the red hair? No, the one-armed dude. Mustache? No, one-armed dude. Oh, the guy with one arm? OK. I am sure when people roll up to his desk, they have who they were looking for.


-- Ebone called yesterday. He just wanted to let us know that if we hear any news stories out of Juneau about a tourist and a strip club, wasn't him. He was nowhere near that place. Just in case.


-- Tennis got cancelled for the week. At least that is what they are telling me. Probably just a ploy for them to pad their stats while I am gone. It wasn't enough that they made me go to another job, now they are scheduling tennis dates with out me.


How do you know when you are the fifth retard in a four retard shop? They ask you to go work somewhere else for a little while, maybe 100% of the time. Must be pretty bad when you screw up surfing the web. I need help.

A Day Off

Do you see any similarities between our former tennis champ



and Milton from Office Space



It was a brutal day on the courts. I say it every week but I really to need to bring more cold water. It is not easy smacking that ass every week when I am not properly hydrated. OK. It is pretty easy but I still need more water. Enough about tennis.

Today I am home performing my overseer duties. I am watching the Haji crew install my flooring and the Jethro crew install my outrageously priced A/C. As much as I hate the carpet, I am so much more excited about the Jethro crew finishing my cooling system. I came home last night to a 92 degree upstairs. Horror show.

I need to acquire some Harry Homeowner skills. All the studying I did for college and all the work I do on computers don't help me diddly at home. I need some real life skills. I would like to be able to build a deck. Not like E-bone's freakishly tall deck, but a normal human size deck.

Speaking of E-bone. Let us all wish him a healthy, happy, enjoyable vacation. He is heading out west, way out west for a little family R & R time. He has promised to bring us back some of his catches



from his charter boat excursion.



Have fun E-bone.

Brother Can You Spare $5500???

Just when you think it can't get worse, it does. I was under the impression that $232.00 was the extent of my A/C damage. That was until Saturday and the whole upstairs furnace died. Well the new number is $5500. UGLY. Ugly like that chick you picked up at the bar at 3AM. You don't think she was still solo because she looked like a supermodel?? More like a superheavyweight. But being poor is better than being hot. I was starting to sweat like Neckbone at a poly.

Freedom's just another name for nothing left to lose, nothing ain't nothing if it ain't free. - Janis Joplin

I have my freedom for the next week or so while the wife and children have been herded off to cooler climates. Freedom is what I have if you consider working my usually 40 hours plus painting, and escorting A/C repairmen and cleaning the house by myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a little alone time. Everybody needs to unwind a little. Just the other day, Sandwich Artist was talking about he needed less physical activity time (tennis) and more alone time (video games and using his body as a playground). This discovery seemed to coincide with the obvious realization that he has the athletic ability of him. Not to worry, Sandwich has improved every week we have been out there. Just this past week he only cursed. The whining has stopped. Go Sandwich.

I will not mention the total collapse of Neckbone anymore in this space. He is a good guy and just because he lies during his poly and cheats with his line calls in tennis does not mean he is a bad guy. He will rebound and win some games this week, I can feel it. Or is that just gas?

Hot, Hot, Hot

Hot, hot, hotter than hell
You know she's gonna leave you well done
Hot, hot, hotter than hell
Burn you like the midday sun - KISS


The last two days have been kind of warm in my house. The upper A/C unit was on the fritz and we were baking. Staying downstairs was a great option with the only problem being that our bedrooms are upstairs. You would think that it would cool down enough in the evenings with the windows open. You would think that but you would be dead wrong. It was felt I was living a chapter of Nosaj's afterlife. Crispy fried.

The climate is now cooler. The repairman loaded us up with freon and drained my bank account of $200 unneeded dollars. This was trip number two. He came yesterday too but the unit was frozen up and he couldn't perform his voodoo nonsense. So we boiled again last night.

Other than that, it was a good little five day break from work. No matter how much you like your job, a break is always a good thing. Me and the kids made a bumbleberry pie. We deviated from the recipe a little. I mean, what the hell is a rhubarb anyways? But it was pretty good. The kids were ecstatic because they picked the berries from the backyard themselves. A few cookouts and no real crazy kid incidents. I did get a nice quote from a five or so year old at one of the cookouts. She informed me that 'her friends mommy kissed two boys when she was younger'. Yea? You got her number?

Festive Fourth Weekend

This weekend went by quickly and was spent mostly with family. Usually I like to have a three day weekend but I ended up working last Friday. Traffic sucked on my two plus hour commute home. Fortunately Ebone drove for most of it. Unfortunately he has the navigation sense of a rock. Fortunately I didn't really care because I slept. Love the carpool when people actually show up.
Saturday had me and the herd over at the in-laws. We swam, ate, watched the fireworks and did a little drinking. I have discovered that I really like Corona I seem to be able to knock back more of those than usual beers and still feel fine. Even the next morning. So we were at the in-laws and of course that means Nosaj sightings. Nosaj was feeling bold and wanted a piece of the Jiggy on the tennis court. He wasn't bad but there was no way he was going to outlast me. His only saving grace was I had to leave to cart one of my spawn to a birthday party. Having tons of kids with tons of friends pretty much guarantees a birthday party every weekend. I get back to the festivities and begin to drink only to rediscover that Nosaj makes a mean brat. I mean he gives Lumpy a run for his money. Must be the Wisconsin thing. I also learned, however, that burger skills are not inherit of brat skills. Oh he cooked the outside just fine. It was the inside that was still moooing. I am never one to complain, yeah right, so I laid into him and he had more excuses than Carter has liver pills. I don't know what that means but old people say it alot.

Yesterday was spent with my relatives. We had a cookout and the kids were able to swim again. The extra bonus at this event was they had crabs and blueberry bushes. The kids were in heaven. The bonus for me was there were loads of relatives that had not seen the kids recently so I was able to pawn them off frequently. The cookout also involved more Coronas. These were provided by Uncle Billd who gets his first mention here. He threw the pump fake by saying he would supply the beer and then opens his cooler and hands me a Natty Light. What could I do, I had to take the offered beer. There were people around. Then everyone starts laughing as he takes back the fake beer and reaches deeper in the cooler for the Ronas. Disaster averted. Later we went back to my sister's house for a fine gourmet meal. As the sister and Billd and me and the wife are standing around the kitchen talking, I think I can sneak an ole silent gas bomb out unnoticed. Well it was silent and obviously the kids weren't making enough noise throughout her house because I was found out. I little embarrassment to end an otherwise pretty good weekend.