Fun Kid Stories

Today I found out someone was pregnant and it actually wasn't my wife. Now that is odd, isn't it. Congrats to SteelerFanBoy. Somehow he got away from video games, bowling, and the SandwichArtist long enough to reproduce. Enjoy your sleep now, it won't last.

So in the spirit of children, I will give you a few stories from the last couple of weeks starring my wonderful brood. Take for instance, the Demon that won't be potty trained. He woke up early and decided my upstairs hall looked surprisingly like a toilet. So he rips off the diaper and whips it out, urinating in my hall. His excuse? "The diaper fell off". "Broke". "Came undone". Those damn people at Pamper's. I think it is a conspiracy.

Yesterday must have been the day for bodily functions. The wife took a well deserved break. I can usually tell when she needs a break by the amount of silence I detect when I come home from work. If it is quiet, then she has usually snapped and they are all hiding from fear. Yesterday was super quiet so I let her out of her cage to have ice cream with a friend. Now the older kids have learned to stay out of eyesight of me and wifey because they are afraid they will get more school work assigned to them, so that wasn't a problem. But the 5 year old still misses momma when she leaves. I know this because the wife was a good two miles down the road and the little darling was still on the front porch screaming at the top of her lungs for "Mommy come home". What a torture it must be to be with daddy. So I drag her back inside before the neighbors call the police. I am greeted with the odor most people associate with a steaming pile of dogshit in the yard. The baby had used herself as a toilet. Now this was no ordinary bowel movement. She is getting over illness and must have been voiding her body of all contaminants. Either that or she was purposely trying to shit on the back of her head. She had crapped all up her back and almost to her neck. Oh the joys of parenthood. Welcome to the game SteelerFanBoy.


Not really a deed done by the children, but just a tidbit of information. It is very hard to keep a straight face while you are leading the family in prayer and the baby rips a fart that would make a linebacker proud. I can say I did not keep that straight face but not for not trying.