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Thursday, January 25, 2007
Fun Kid Stories
Today I found out someone was pregnant and it actually wasn't my wife. Now that is odd, isn't it. Congrats to SteelerFanBoy. Somehow he got away from video games, bowling, and the SandwichArtist long enough to reproduce. Enjoy your sleep now, it won't last.
So in the spirit of children, I will give you a few stories from the last couple of weeks starring my wonderful brood. Take for instance, the Demon that won't be potty trained. He woke up early and decided my upstairs hall looked surprisingly like a toilet. So he rips off the diaper and whips it out, urinating in my hall. His excuse? "The diaper fell off". "Broke". "Came undone". Those damn people at Pamper's. I think it is a conspiracy.
Yesterday must have been the day for bodily functions. The wife took a well deserved break. I can usually tell when she needs a break by the amount of silence I detect when I come home from work. If it is quiet, then she has usually snapped and they are all hiding from fear. Yesterday was super quiet so I let her out of her cage to have ice cream with a friend. Now the older kids have learned to stay out of eyesight of me and wifey because they are afraid they will get more school work assigned to them, so that wasn't a problem. But the 5 year old still misses momma when she leaves. I know this because the wife was a good two miles down the road and the little darling was still on the front porch screaming at the top of her lungs for "Mommy come home". What a torture it must be to be with daddy. So I drag her back inside before the neighbors call the police. I am greeted with the odor most people associate with a steaming pile of dogshit in the yard. The baby had used herself as a toilet. Now this was no ordinary bowel movement. She is getting over illness and must have been voiding her body of all contaminants. Either that or she was purposely trying to shit on the back of her head. She had crapped all up her back and almost to her neck. Oh the joys of parenthood. Welcome to the game SteelerFanBoy.
Not really a deed done by the children, but just a tidbit of information. It is very hard to keep a straight face while you are leading the family in prayer and the baby rips a fart that would make a linebacker proud. I can say I did not keep that straight face but not for not trying.
So in the spirit of children, I will give you a few stories from the last couple of weeks starring my wonderful brood. Take for instance, the Demon that won't be potty trained. He woke up early and decided my upstairs hall looked surprisingly like a toilet. So he rips off the diaper and whips it out, urinating in my hall. His excuse? "The diaper fell off". "Broke". "Came undone". Those damn people at Pamper's. I think it is a conspiracy.
Yesterday must have been the day for bodily functions. The wife took a well deserved break. I can usually tell when she needs a break by the amount of silence I detect when I come home from work. If it is quiet, then she has usually snapped and they are all hiding from fear. Yesterday was super quiet so I let her out of her cage to have ice cream with a friend. Now the older kids have learned to stay out of eyesight of me and wifey because they are afraid they will get more school work assigned to them, so that wasn't a problem. But the 5 year old still misses momma when she leaves. I know this because the wife was a good two miles down the road and the little darling was still on the front porch screaming at the top of her lungs for "Mommy come home". What a torture it must be to be with daddy. So I drag her back inside before the neighbors call the police. I am greeted with the odor most people associate with a steaming pile of dogshit in the yard. The baby had used herself as a toilet. Now this was no ordinary bowel movement. She is getting over illness and must have been voiding her body of all contaminants. Either that or she was purposely trying to shit on the back of her head. She had crapped all up her back and almost to her neck. Oh the joys of parenthood. Welcome to the game SteelerFanBoy.
Not really a deed done by the children, but just a tidbit of information. It is very hard to keep a straight face while you are leading the family in prayer and the baby rips a fart that would make a linebacker proud. I can say I did not keep that straight face but not for not trying.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Diet Update
The phone has been burning up since the last post was published. It seems that Lumpy, too, has joined the death diet craze. He will be, of course, be saving a buck or two by going with a not-so-famous off-brand diet. That is why we call him Eva-Save-Alot. He informed us that a co-worker is on this diet and has dropped 20 lbs. He failed to mentioned that beefy was pushing 450 lbs and that he could have dropped 20 lbs my skipping the third course at Heffy's Heffdog Burger Joint and having a normal bowel movement.
The key, says Lumpy and his massive friend, is to SUPPLEMENT. You must supplement the small servings they provide you with your own food, like say maybe lunch. Lumpy, it is not really a salad if you substitute pepperoni and sausage Domino's for fat free vinaigrette.
Onto more important things. Concern has been raised for the E-Bone. It is wondered if his massive frame is somehow diminished by diet, what will he do to support his enormous cranium. His dome looks large on a 250 lb frame. Imagine that rock on a 200 lb shadow of a man. It does not bode well.
Donations are being accepted for Southern Girl. She has moved to the South and she hasn't any friends. She has resorted to digging through trash and trespassing to steal people's animals. Check out her blog here. It will make you feel bad for not getting more involved with nature and stuff. Or something like that.
Also forgot to give big props to the brother-in-law. He brought a purchase of mine home to me in his truck. The only problem is he dropped a box or two off the back of the truck on the way. Don't go getting all upset. He went and retrieved them. They were all busted up but it is the thought that counts. That and bungee cords. Word of the day, Bungee Cords.
The key, says Lumpy and his massive friend, is to SUPPLEMENT. You must supplement the small servings they provide you with your own food, like say maybe lunch. Lumpy, it is not really a salad if you substitute pepperoni and sausage Domino's for fat free vinaigrette.
Onto more important things. Concern has been raised for the E-Bone. It is wondered if his massive frame is somehow diminished by diet, what will he do to support his enormous cranium. His dome looks large on a 250 lb frame. Imagine that rock on a 200 lb shadow of a man. It does not bode well.
Donations are being accepted for Southern Girl. She has moved to the South and she hasn't any friends. She has resorted to digging through trash and trespassing to steal people's animals. Check out her blog here. It will make you feel bad for not getting more involved with nature and stuff. Or something like that.
Also forgot to give big props to the brother-in-law. He brought a purchase of mine home to me in his truck. The only problem is he dropped a box or two off the back of the truck on the way. Don't go getting all upset. He went and retrieved them. They were all busted up but it is the thought that counts. That and bungee cords. Word of the day, Bungee Cords.
Shrinking the Bone
NEWS FLASH The E-Bone is on a diet. Now I am watching my food intake since the new year and I have cut back on the beer. Actually no beer in 2007 yet. That is an impressive 18 days. Either that is a good thing or a sad thing because I am counting the days. Regardless, I am still working towards a thinner new me. I am not, however, starving myself like the E-Bone. He has joined one of those SkinniFatz diet plans where you buy the food from them and eat only their food. It sounds all great in the commercials. They get celebrities that look good and parade them around with their little meals. Nice. Today I saw reality. The E-Bone opened up breakfast. This mockery of a bowl of cereal barely covered the bottom of the bowl. I think we counted 24 actual flakes of generic goodness. And a bonus blueberry. He was able to top that off with a couple ounces of skim milk. MMMMMMMM. Can't wait until lunch. I also learned how he has managed to stay on this starvation diet for over a week. He eats 10-15 of these meals a day. They shipped him three weeks of food and he has eaten it all and the box that it came in, in 6 days. It looks like he is making progress though. He actually wore corduroys today without starting a fire. That is a start.
Now as many of you know, E-Bones oldest friend is the Quad who can be read over on the Quad blog. He talks of his massive manliness and his great body. Well he made the mistake of posting a picture of him, E-Bone and a couple other old donkeys. It turns out that he is just an older, fatter version of the E-Bone. I am glad that he is just like the rest of us. ROLL TIDE.
Lumpy had child birth class over the weekend. He got kicked out for making fun of the birthing video. Just think, this man will soon have an offspring to corrupt. Life is not fair sometimes. The Lumpster was rebuffed however in his attempt to purchase an RV. Mrs. Lumpy used common sense to battle the Lumpster's need for spending. The purchase has been tabled for a year. Good luck Lumpy.
I was just asked the other day, Jiggy why are you so handsome. OK. Not really. I was asked what the younger children do while my wonderful wife attempts to homeschool the older children. As chance would have it, wonderful wife informed me that night exactly what one such monster had done. Turns out he was using his creative skills, first destroying all Lego creations created and displayed by his older sibling and then turning artistic by coloring all over his bedroom door. I think the electronic babysitter (tv) needs more appearances in the Jiggy home. Like crack for kids, it always settles them down.
I played poker over the weekend. When I say I played poker, I mean I spent 6 hours looking at poker hands and smelling the vile broccoli laden emissions from Nosaj all to pocket three bucks more than I arrived with. Hardly a good deal.
Now as many of you know, E-Bones oldest friend is the Quad who can be read over on the Quad blog. He talks of his massive manliness and his great body. Well he made the mistake of posting a picture of him, E-Bone and a couple other old donkeys. It turns out that he is just an older, fatter version of the E-Bone. I am glad that he is just like the rest of us. ROLL TIDE.
Lumpy had child birth class over the weekend. He got kicked out for making fun of the birthing video. Just think, this man will soon have an offspring to corrupt. Life is not fair sometimes. The Lumpster was rebuffed however in his attempt to purchase an RV. Mrs. Lumpy used common sense to battle the Lumpster's need for spending. The purchase has been tabled for a year. Good luck Lumpy.
I was just asked the other day, Jiggy why are you so handsome. OK. Not really. I was asked what the younger children do while my wonderful wife attempts to homeschool the older children. As chance would have it, wonderful wife informed me that night exactly what one such monster had done. Turns out he was using his creative skills, first destroying all Lego creations created and displayed by his older sibling and then turning artistic by coloring all over his bedroom door. I think the electronic babysitter (tv) needs more appearances in the Jiggy home. Like crack for kids, it always settles them down.
I played poker over the weekend. When I say I played poker, I mean I spent 6 hours looking at poker hands and smelling the vile broccoli laden emissions from Nosaj all to pocket three bucks more than I arrived with. Hardly a good deal.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
NSFW
I saw that heading on a link the other day and it took me a few minutes to figure out what it was. NSFW. Not Safe For Work. I guess they don't work at my job. I mean it is ok to look at naughty stuff as long as you don't interrupt the field goal kicking contest. I guess you had to be there. I was and I finished in 2nd or 3rd. Two important things came out of it. Numero uno is that we have now found a sport that the Sandwich Artist has at least SOME skill in, and numero two, the Shweet is still in search of that sport. Now to his credit, I have heard on numerous occasions (once) that he is a great frisbee golfer or footballer or something. We will have to research that one.
So now here are the NSFW stories.
Some of you might not really relate to this story because either you are not Catholic or you don't go to church. Relax, it doesn't really matter if you get it or not, you are going to Hell anyways. So the clan is going to confession on a recent Saturday evening and there is a HUGE line waiting to be forgiven. So I take the youngest monsters and hit the playground whilst the wife waits. As the clock ticks away, I see a priest roll up to the church and make a mad dash for the building. I guess he was the second one and the reason the line is so long. So it is getting chilly outside and I am rounding up the little ones to head to the car. The wife has been inside for 20 minutes. I round the corner and the priest is coming back outside with my family in tow. Seems the line was still too long since he showed up like 30 minutes late, so he is just going to do confessions in the parking lot. This is a little unorthodox but it is ok. At least we didn't come up here for nothing. But then the bad part happens. He finishes up with the family and looks at me. So I march up there to spill my guts face to face. No curtain. No shield. Mano y mano. This, again, wouldn't be toooo bad but ole Jiggy had to admit to treating his body like an amusement park. So that was kind of awkward but I eased on through it.
Second story is a little less horrifying for me. The wife didn't find the humor, however. We were out shopping. Imagine my wife shopping. Doesn't happen often, does it? Right. So were at Target and she wanders off, leaving me with the baby and a surprisingly empty cart. I happen by the condom row. Well as you can tell from my large family, we don't buy too many of these things. So I grab the ones that say Magnum EXTRA LARGE condoms and put it in the cart and start pushing it around. I got many smiles from the ladies until my particular lady caught up with me and threw them back on a shelf. A man can dream.
Well it is getting late. I talked to Lumpy and have some good stories but they will have to wait until tomorrow.
So now here are the NSFW stories.
Some of you might not really relate to this story because either you are not Catholic or you don't go to church. Relax, it doesn't really matter if you get it or not, you are going to Hell anyways. So the clan is going to confession on a recent Saturday evening and there is a HUGE line waiting to be forgiven. So I take the youngest monsters and hit the playground whilst the wife waits. As the clock ticks away, I see a priest roll up to the church and make a mad dash for the building. I guess he was the second one and the reason the line is so long. So it is getting chilly outside and I am rounding up the little ones to head to the car. The wife has been inside for 20 minutes. I round the corner and the priest is coming back outside with my family in tow. Seems the line was still too long since he showed up like 30 minutes late, so he is just going to do confessions in the parking lot. This is a little unorthodox but it is ok. At least we didn't come up here for nothing. But then the bad part happens. He finishes up with the family and looks at me. So I march up there to spill my guts face to face. No curtain. No shield. Mano y mano. This, again, wouldn't be toooo bad but ole Jiggy had to admit to treating his body like an amusement park. So that was kind of awkward but I eased on through it.
Second story is a little less horrifying for me. The wife didn't find the humor, however. We were out shopping. Imagine my wife shopping. Doesn't happen often, does it? Right. So were at Target and she wanders off, leaving me with the baby and a surprisingly empty cart. I happen by the condom row. Well as you can tell from my large family, we don't buy too many of these things. So I grab the ones that say Magnum EXTRA LARGE condoms and put it in the cart and start pushing it around. I got many smiles from the ladies until my particular lady caught up with me and threw them back on a shelf. A man can dream.
Well it is getting late. I talked to Lumpy and have some good stories but they will have to wait until tomorrow.
Monday, January 08, 2007
BCS Bowl
I am not a huge college football fan but I will watch most of the game tonight. It is, after all, the national championship game. Doesn't matter that it is taking place in the middle of January. I guess it is ok since it felt like fall the other day with 70 degree temperatures.
On Saturday when it was 70, I had a novel idea. I will take the family over to the tennis courts and wax their asses in a little friendly game. Unfortunately EVERY OTHER PERSON in the world had the same idea. So we went home and I put the kids to work raking and hauling leaves.
Lumpy sent some nice pics of his completed nursery for the baby. It was a nice Noah's Ark theme with neutral colors. I mention the color scheme since the first thing out of Ebone's mouth was 'I thought he was having a boy??' Maybe you might want to add a little more blue to the room Lump.
We had 72 different ornaments on our main Christmas tree this year. Want to know how I know this? Because I had to take them all off by myself while the kids played in the leaf pile (see previous paragraph) and the wife had to buy anything the stores had to offer. I am sure being tortured is bad but taking down decorations ain't no picnic.
On Saturday when it was 70, I had a novel idea. I will take the family over to the tennis courts and wax their asses in a little friendly game. Unfortunately EVERY OTHER PERSON in the world had the same idea. So we went home and I put the kids to work raking and hauling leaves.
Lumpy sent some nice pics of his completed nursery for the baby. It was a nice Noah's Ark theme with neutral colors. I mention the color scheme since the first thing out of Ebone's mouth was 'I thought he was having a boy??' Maybe you might want to add a little more blue to the room Lump.
We had 72 different ornaments on our main Christmas tree this year. Want to know how I know this? Because I had to take them all off by myself while the kids played in the leaf pile (see previous paragraph) and the wife had to buy anything the stores had to offer. I am sure being tortured is bad but taking down decorations ain't no picnic.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
We Are The Champions
Just like the old Queen song, E are the champions of the world. Not only did the Bone beat Quad and won his other fantasy league, he won ours too. He eeked out a slim 326 - 325.5 win. The E only suffered two losses all season. That damn Ladanian. I think I hate him and the E. So congrats on your fake football prowess E. You are the master of the non-sport sports.
With the new year comes all the resolutions. I decided that I would give up smoking. I don't smoke so it should be a kind of easy resolution to keep. I also have given up drinking for a while so I can drop so LBs. That one might be a little tougher.
One of the big gifts my kids got this year was MP3 players. In theory, this is a great gift. Before they had portable CD players and would drop them all over the place, scratching disks, breaking the players. But now they would have cutting edge technology. They would be able to listen to these in the truck and I might not have to hear Thomas the Tank Engine Does Dallas for the umpteenth time. Well, of course, there is a drawback. Imagine if you will a song, any song, it could even be a song you like, you really like. So imagine this song is one of 83 songs you have downloaded to all four of the MP3 players. Then imagine that they don't play ANY OTHER FRIGGIN SONG BUT THIS SONG ALLLLLLLLL DAY LONG. OK. That is bad, but not as bad as the fact that they must ALL SING THIS SONG. Could they all be in synch??? No. I am hearing chorus on one, intro on another, moaning like a injured hyena from another. It is a horror show. Play another song for the love all that is good in the world. Please.
With the new year comes all the resolutions. I decided that I would give up smoking. I don't smoke so it should be a kind of easy resolution to keep. I also have given up drinking for a while so I can drop so LBs. That one might be a little tougher.
One of the big gifts my kids got this year was MP3 players. In theory, this is a great gift. Before they had portable CD players and would drop them all over the place, scratching disks, breaking the players. But now they would have cutting edge technology. They would be able to listen to these in the truck and I might not have to hear Thomas the Tank Engine Does Dallas for the umpteenth time. Well, of course, there is a drawback. Imagine if you will a song, any song, it could even be a song you like, you really like. So imagine this song is one of 83 songs you have downloaded to all four of the MP3 players. Then imagine that they don't play ANY OTHER FRIGGIN SONG BUT THIS SONG ALLLLLLLLL DAY LONG. OK. That is bad, but not as bad as the fact that they must ALL SING THIS SONG. Could they all be in synch??? No. I am hearing chorus on one, intro on another, moaning like a injured hyena from another. It is a horror show. Play another song for the love all that is good in the world. Please.
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