Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Post Holiday Blues

Christmas has come and gone and now I am left with all the trash. Good Ole Mister Trash Man will be earning his pay tomorrow. I have dozens of bags full of garbage on the curb tonight.

The latest routine with my demon spawn 3 year old is this: I sit in his room in a rocking chair surfing the web or writing this blog and falls asleep in the bed next to me. Well, tonight he fell asleep earlier in the truck on the way home, so I might be here all night. Obviously the wife was fooling around with someone that hates sleep, because these monsters cannot be mine. If they were, they would treasure slumber the way I do.

So over the weekend, I took the family to the Christmas Tree downtown in our fine capital, Washington, D.C. Nosaj was with us in his ride. Lumpy gives us directions to a parking garage and Nosaj takes the lead. We get stopped at the entrance and security checks our rides for hidden bombs or terrorists. I ask dude how much to park here and he replies that he is not a parking attendant.OK then. Nosaj is in the lead. We come to a fork in the road. One way says parking, the other exit. Guess which Nosaj chooses?? We follow him and end up making the same U-turn that he does to get to the parking lot and not the exit. The Tree was jam packed this year. Horrible to move around in, especially with strollers. But great to drop some crop dusters in. I mean, I was letting em roll right out and standing still because of traffic in front of me. The people behind me would have to suffer. I heard others being blamed for the fog. I heard gasps of horror. But I just kept on pushing the stroller and minding my own business.

Last night the wife had us all out returning gifts. I think that is the purpose of Christmas, buy as much as possible and return it all for more stuff. We stopped by the mall and found the store with her sister working. So you know I am not getting out of there quickly. She is the wife of Nosaj. And I might say, not a very good employee. I asked her several times for price checks on items and she would not respond. I also dropped several items on the floor and she would not pick them up for me. It is so hard to get good service any more. I might have to write to corporate about her.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas 2006

Where o where to start. I have been off work since Thursday and the last five days seem like a blur. Last minute shopping on Saturday and Sunday. I was up with the roosters and out to the evil empire of Wal-Mart around 6 am on Saturday and 7am on Sunday. We went to church down town on Saturday and saw the National Christmas tree down by the Washington Monument. I colored my hair. We opened presents on Christmas Eve afternoon with my family, Christmas eve night with the wife's family and Christmas morning with our own tribe courtesy of the jolly fat man and no that isn't me, although I have gained a couple lbs in the last few weeks.

Wait a minute. You caught that?? Yep. It is true. I washed that grey right out of my hair. Now I know what you are thinking, Super is Uber Gay, right? While I can't discount those feelings, I can assure you, I am no more gay than Doogie Howser. Bad example. I am no more gay than our own Schweet. OK. I give up. I don't think I am gay, I just needed a change. My family did not notice until I told them. Then they unleashed jokes and laughs by the dozens. That didn't bother me as much as the brother in law and my pops eating all my Monkey bread that was brought as a gift to me and only me by my wonderful sister, who I know is reading this and probably making me another right now. So I no longer have 90% grey hair, it is down to like 10%. I will have to post a picture this week.

I will probably have time to write this week since I am off of work ALL week. If you happen to have to work this week, Ebone, I am sorry for you. Kind of like the sorry you feel for the rest of us when you bring home your executive pay for surfing, I mean working.

I have to give BIG props to the Lumpster. First off, he takes the nickname in stride and even signed his Christmas card from him, his wife and child to be as the Lumpy family. Isn't that nice. But also, he lived in D.C. for like two years and knows his way around the nation's capital much moreso than I and I have been in this hole for my entire life. He navigated us, via the phone, to a wonderful parking garage near the Christmas trees and we truly appreciate it.

I have so much more but the child I am sitting with, has fallen asleep so my duties are done here. Downstairs to round up the rest of the herd for bedtime. Just to keep you coming back, here is what I will bring you soon......

The last three days I have spent at least some time with Nosaj. You know there is a good one in there. I met up with my boy Red and he is always good for a few laughs. I didn't send any of those Christmas letters detailing our year in my Christmas card this year so I need to write one for you guys.

Here is a parting shot, courtesy of American Express.




Electric scooters for more kids than you can shake a stick at: Several hundred dollars

Countless toys of every imaginable flavor: Several more hundred dollars

A barbie with a dog that the wife obviously didn't study closely enough and bought one each for three of my children. This Barbie's dog's main and only feature is that he eats these little pellets and when you lift his tail, he craps them all over my house: FRIGGIN PRICELESS

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Batting .500

Well the pacifier-less child has survived. She seems to be taking it pretty well. We are getting ready for night three but it seems ok. The potty training, on the other hand, well let's just say the wife says 'No Mas'. The little demon seed is not ready. How do we know he is not ready you ask? Let me recount my wife's day as told to me through a series of phone calls at work. (Not for the timid).

Son of Satan is up at a decent hour and has already voided his bladder in his diaper. Great. Time for undies. He is wardrobed with the latest in Cars style or Thomas The Tank Engine style, I am not quite certain. Regardless, wifey waits a while and attempts to put the little man on the pot. Well she is met with screams and cries and stubbornness. She lets the little man go play and tries this a couple more times. She then makes the mistake of tending to other children and the hellion drops his pants and pisses all over my kitchen chair. (Hope you don't get that chair on poker night guys). Time for the corner for the man. Hours pass, still resistance on the throne. He watches a little cartoon on the boob tube and uses his undies as a porta john. Game over. Round one to the beast. I am off after tomorrow for a couple weeks, so maybe I will attempt round two. Like Ivan Drago once said, "I must break you".

If you haven't gotten your Christmas card from me yet, then obviously I hate you. No, seriously, I have them made out but have yet to get stamps. I tried today but my local Bloom was out and the Post Office was a show. No chance I was waiting in that line. Maybe tomorrow. I will give you a preview. They say Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Upper Decker

Now I have not known about the term Upper Decker for too long. But it is a great concept. Basically you violate someone's bathroom by dropping a deuce in the upper bowl. It sits there for a while and then when that person flushes, they get the surprise.

Just a little background for today's journey. We had dental appointments and then ear check ups on the little kids. An all around fun day. So the dental portion went swimmingly and we made good time to the ear, nose and throat dude. That is where time stood still. I sat in the truck with a bunch of kids while the baby slept. The wife took the two ear victims into the lobby. There they sat for an hour. An hour I kid you not. I was starting to get REAL bitter. So I come in the lobby and drop a couple F bombs like a good white trash father is want to do. Finally they are seen and I take the rest of the herd outside to wait. Then the wife calls and informs me that one of the patients crapped up a Zeppelin. So here is the tie-in. I cleaned up the evil feces laden diaper and sent the little man back to the ear doc. Well I have got to clean my hands and dispose of the death drawers. The bathroom is locked. The camel that broke the straw or however the hell that goes. I politely placed the toxic diaper in a bush in the lobby and used some antibacterial hand cleaner in the car. Who needs their bathrooms? Not me. So while I was not able to properly leave an Upper Decker for them, I left a little lasting impression on whoever sits near that thing.

On to nicer topics. OK, not that much nicer. This is the week. The week junior and his nasty, filthy habit of crapping in his pants is over. He is getting potty trained. I will be at work for the first couple of days so I hope it happens quick. He is a mean little cuss and I don't see this as being an easy task. On top of this the next oldest gave up the pacifier yesterday. We made a big presentation about giving it to a poor kid and we left it at the base of a statue at church. She was so proud and big. Then night hit and all the demons in hell were released from her. She was kicking and screaming, jumping on her bed, yelling, hollering, heck I think at least once her head went all the way round. It was freaky. She wanted to beat down the little poor girl that had her pacy now. She wanted revenge. She vowed her love to her pacy. She cursed my family and my wife's family. Her eyes turned a shade of red that made my skin crawl. But finally she was subdued by the poison that gets all mankind, a good bribe. Candy under the pillow for the morning and a personal ice cream adventure with only her and mommy, and of course a present from the toy store. I had all my older kids asking if they could have a pacy. The perks seemed good. Night too is just moments away. Wish me luck.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Chips and Marinara Sauce??

First of all, let me start out with some BREAKING NEWS. Despite being behind my like 1000 points, I have taken the lead in the two week playoff against the Ebone. I tell you this now because his big hound LT is playing in about half an hour and then I will again be on the ass end side of the score. But for right now, I am whooping that ass.

OK. Back to business. Today was grocery day. We were down to about $10,000 worth of food in the pantry and freezer so we needed more. Our first stop took us to Costco. I let the wife go in while I watched some of the brood in the car. We managed to get out of there for under a couple hunskies so I was relieved. Then on to the Superdeduper Walmart. We shelled out a few more hunskies for a couple of carts full of food. That really isn't the story. It took her and I and our eight hundred kids less than an hour to fill the carts and it took me another 45 minutes to check out of the darn store. Now I know I have complained about the evil Walmart and their checkout lines before but this is a little different.

I am not a very smart man but I know a couple of things. And granted I have never seen Ebones exploits in the heart of South East Asia, thank goodness, but I have seen many things in this world. So WM Betty puts my chips in the same bag as two jars of marinara sauce, letting them clank and clang and bust up my chips. Now this didn't bother me nearly as much as it would have, had these chips been for me. That being said, why would she do this? Maybe she wanted to conserve on bags? No. She put a box of oatmeal all by its lonesome. Maybe she was using some different bagging scheme she learned at Harvard. Now I know she spent top dollar on an education because she must have used all her dental money on schooling. Let's just say she had some Chicklets askew. It looked like a yard sale jigsaw puzzle in there, there were so many pieces missing. So some of the chips survived to get slammed around by my unloaders at home. These unloaders only use the bathroom once a week. That is at exactly the same time as I need them to take the groceries into the house. Odd isn't it?


I broke down and bought a hockey toy online over the weekend. I have been trying to purchase this doll at all the local Toys R Evil stores but with no luck. So I paid double the 10 bones it lists for and made it mine. I feel like the Sandwich Artist paying a couple extra hundred for his Wii and his Xbox 360. No, not that bad.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Playoffs

Well the playoffs started in fantasy football this week. Of course E-bone and his LT train are just whooping my ass. At least our league is a two week cumulative score. El Quad rolled over already in his league. Weak. All that smack talk and he took an E-bone thumping. I haven't seen E-bone pounce on anything like that that wasn't an alcoholic beverage. My thumping will last another week, unless someone can maim LT for me. Anyone?

The family is finally getting over the latest round of Hawkman Flu. He assured me it would be quick and painless. And he said the flu would go away soon too. Speaking of the Hawk. He is normally a good-natured, polite young man. Unless, I guess, you have no teeth. He was talking to his buddy from work, ChickletFree Nat, and decided it would be good fun to offer the man some beef jerky. The dude was obviously embarrassed and mumbled a negative reply on the dried meat. And I thought passing germs around like a leper was his only evil.


One of my favorite pics from the zoo. Gotta love them damn Elephants.

Despite what everyone says, you can never truly be alone as long as you have half a head of hair and a tall, cool drink. Ahhh.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Pics of the Lumpsters Visit


I have a few pictures to show you of the weekend of Lumpy. Here is the man back East to take all our money in cards.

The Oracle says 'That is not a toilet'


The only man we know that can say 'It's Friday, I ain't got no job, I ain't got shit to do' every day of the week.


'I like me some nekkid pictures'

'I am a lean, well not so lean, mean, fighting machine. Go ahead, rub the Buddha, rub it'



What?

Hawkman Does It Again

This past weekend I spent a day in the fine city of Richmond. I took in a youth hockey game featuring the travel team from my fair city. Then on to the Virginia Science Museum.



I think I own a large percentage of the company that owns this museum. I must because I am constantly writing outrageously large checks to them. All in all it was a good day. We also shared the experience with some out of state friends. Thats where the Hawkman comes into the story. He brought his family and obviously some variant of the bird flu with him.

Carrier?????


I am not one to throw blame at anyone but again his family is around and one of my herd comes down with an illness. I won't say it was a bad illness but my wife missed church because of it. Now it wouldn't take much more than a sniffle to put me down all day but super trooper thinks she is a one woman powerhouse and the Hawkman flu rendered her powerless. Now she says it is nothing she caught from our dear friends the Hawkmen but I believe in calling a spade a spade.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Lumpy is Alive

Everyone can relax now. Lumpy is back home. Oh wait, you didn't know? Lumpy has been living in a shelter for the last few days. I am sure you heard about the big ice/snow storm in the midwest. Well Lumpy got caught in the middle of it. His house was without electricity for three days. Always living off of the good heartedness of others, Lumpy and his new bride took in refuge at the local shelter. They got three hots and a cot or so the expression goes. They are home now and all is good. Lumpy has to put the Christmas decorations back on the house but they are uninjured and still oh so glad they moved to the snow belt. Just think it is the beginning of December, spring is right around the corner.

Closer to home, I took the children to the local Christmas parade over the weekend. We lasted through at least half of it before their hunger took over and we had to roll. So it was only an hour that I had my 500 lb 4 year old on my shoulders; it just seemed like a week.

Ebone, again, had to one up the competition. I take my kids to a lousy parade and he takes his brood out of town to see the Buffalo Bils play. OK, while Buffalo is not really a real city or a real football team, it still beats a cold, tiring parade. He also donated a car to someone less fortunate. Dude is like Ghandi and stuff. It was unfortunate that Buffalo got beat down like animals. He got to enjoy the fact that the Sabres beat the Caps. Oh wait, they didn't. They took a beat down too. Serves you right, you show off.