My man Nosaj hasn't been in the blog lately. That changes today. Last weekend the great Nosaj blew me off on a scheduled tennis date for a poker game. That might not have been too bad. Poker is relaxing, tennis is tiring. Poker allows you to drink beer and socialize. The only problem is he didn't invite me to the poker game. He chose to not call me and just roll to the poker table. Rude. Alas karma bit him in his ass as he was the first one out of the game. Can you say NO POKER FACE? He got his $10 entry fee worth of food and beer while the others continued to play. He is nothing if not resourceful.
So this weekend, I didn't expect him to show up for tennis, but he did. I have to play Ebone this week and I needed some practice. Waxing Mini Lumpys ass didn't do the trick. I was going to warm up agains the Nosaj. Now fortunately for me, Nosaj is a young guy. He is in decent shape and usually pretty athletic. Unfortunately for me, none of that translates a bit into tennis skill. I could have warmed up more playing pocket pool. To say that it was a cakewalk would be to embarass the cake. And I like me some cake.
I took one of my many offspring with me as a witness. He started crying at the way Nosaj was making error after error. He screamed, 'Daddy, that's not tennis. That is a mockery of the game.' I took him home and had to rock him to sleep. The horror.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Relaxing Weekend
It is early Saturday morning. The kids are rising and the chaos of another day will soon begin. Let me try to catch you all up on the goings on before they burn the house down.
We can start with the tennis. We are down to the final four. E-bone is my next opponent with the winner gaining a date with Mini Les. And then on to Neckbone in the final. It would be disappointing if I never get to play Neckbone in this tourney. But I have my work cut out for me.
Lumpy got out of town at the right time. I just can't see his lumbering ass running around the tennis courts. He has actually lost weight. He went to another nut case out in St. Louis. How he finds these freaks, I do not know. This one probably tops them all. It was in a house, not a doctor's office and he let this woman jam a hose up his ass to cleanse his colon. He paid $160 for three treatments of these tomfoolery. Then when she jams gallons of water up his hind, he runs to the bathroom and unleashes holy hell in the next room. Talk about two people with NO shame. Him for releasing the hounds and her for sitting there wafting in the aroma. Brings chills to the body just imagining it. One way or another, fatty dropped 8 pounds in a weekend due to this. More cheeseburgers and brats are needed before he fades away to nothingness.
Surprisingly the kids haven't done too much to warrant a post here lately. School has started and the they are busy so not too much time to destroy my home and everything I own.
The Oracle seems to like his new job. He still surfs the web but just from a new building. Same web, different spot. Neckbone had his last day and Mini Lumpy is almost out the door too. Somehow we still manage to stay afloat. And on a sad note, Ebone has failed his truth test for the third time. I mean, how many times do you have to go to realize you cannot tell the truth. This latest debacle involved him lying about hurting friends and family. You know, stealing from your buddies when you spend the night at their house. Leaving the family for weeks at a time to supposedly hunt or golf knowing full well you were on some bender with some crack ho. Did we learn nothing from Neckbone. If you can't tell the truth, run and hide at a different job until they come looking for you there too. Stick and move, man, stick and move.
We can start with the tennis. We are down to the final four. E-bone is my next opponent with the winner gaining a date with Mini Les. And then on to Neckbone in the final. It would be disappointing if I never get to play Neckbone in this tourney. But I have my work cut out for me.
Lumpy got out of town at the right time. I just can't see his lumbering ass running around the tennis courts. He has actually lost weight. He went to another nut case out in St. Louis. How he finds these freaks, I do not know. This one probably tops them all. It was in a house, not a doctor's office and he let this woman jam a hose up his ass to cleanse his colon. He paid $160 for three treatments of these tomfoolery. Then when she jams gallons of water up his hind, he runs to the bathroom and unleashes holy hell in the next room. Talk about two people with NO shame. Him for releasing the hounds and her for sitting there wafting in the aroma. Brings chills to the body just imagining it. One way or another, fatty dropped 8 pounds in a weekend due to this. More cheeseburgers and brats are needed before he fades away to nothingness.
Surprisingly the kids haven't done too much to warrant a post here lately. School has started and the they are busy so not too much time to destroy my home and everything I own.
The Oracle seems to like his new job. He still surfs the web but just from a new building. Same web, different spot. Neckbone had his last day and Mini Lumpy is almost out the door too. Somehow we still manage to stay afloat. And on a sad note, Ebone has failed his truth test for the third time. I mean, how many times do you have to go to realize you cannot tell the truth. This latest debacle involved him lying about hurting friends and family. You know, stealing from your buddies when you spend the night at their house. Leaving the family for weeks at a time to supposedly hunt or golf knowing full well you were on some bender with some crack ho. Did we learn nothing from Neckbone. If you can't tell the truth, run and hide at a different job until they come looking for you there too. Stick and move, man, stick and move.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Updates. And More.
I promised some pictures. Here they are. The first few are courtesy of Lumpy. If I outweighed the motorbike by several hundred pounds, I wouldn't be forwarding my pics all around.
I do not know what that last one was about but it was there.
Here is a rundown of the goings on in the Jiggy World. Summer is almost over. And Lumpy has just started with the good stories. I will save his story for the next post. Yesterday was a tennis day. Mini Lumpy gave me a run for my money. But in the end, he folded like a cheap suit. He, however, put up more fight than Mini Les put up against Neckbone. I won't say that Neckbone owns him but ... OK yes I will say that. He does. The way Mini Les pounds everyone else and then shutters up against the big man makes me sick. I just can't understand it. I also don't understand Lumpy's wardrobe choices most times but I just live with it.
I do not know what that last one was about but it was there.
Here is a rundown of the goings on in the Jiggy World. Summer is almost over. And Lumpy has just started with the good stories. I will save his story for the next post. Yesterday was a tennis day. Mini Lumpy gave me a run for my money. But in the end, he folded like a cheap suit. He, however, put up more fight than Mini Les put up against Neckbone. I won't say that Neckbone owns him but ... OK yes I will say that. He does. The way Mini Les pounds everyone else and then shutters up against the big man makes me sick. I just can't understand it. I also don't understand Lumpy's wardrobe choices most times but I just live with it.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
A long crazy weekend
Well it has been a several days since I last wrote in this blog. I am sure you missed me and fortunately for you, I have several good, stories. So let us begin.
I took off a couple days last week and made a long weekend of it. I took the wife on a little vacation without most of the children. Those spawn I left in the care of my parents. I have not heard from the parents since I let them escape the house. I keep calling but they don't answer. I suppose I will have to cross them off the babysitter list. We went to Williamsburg. Not a distant trip but far enough just the same. The wonderful wife was excited about not having to make breakfast for the kids and being able to enjoy the hotel's continental breakfast at her leisure. Of course we just botched that whole thing on the first morning and slept right through breakfast. I had no problem with that, ten straight hours of sleep is sweet. She was bitter. We tooled around town, shopped, and napped.
Here are some pics of cows at the local outlet mall. I do not know why they were there but they were so I took the pics.
One night we were trying to get our meal on and stopped at the Outback. It was full as Outbacks usually are. The wife needed to breastfeed, so we parked in the carryout space and she starts feeding as I pull out the laptop and search for a hot spot. Along comes slim and taps on the window to find out if we needed a carryout order as he gawks at the boob. You figure he gets his peek on and rolls, right? No, not slimmy, he waits a few and comes back for a little more teet. He taps again, asking us to move so a carryout customer can park there. The wife informs him that she is in the middle of something and we will move just as soon as humanly possibly. He grabs another eyeful and splits.
We ended up at some high dollar, over priced seafood joint. The best part was watching this group of necks and their spawn roll in. I knew they were out of their league so I watched in enjoyment. They ordered beers and drinks and then opened the menus. They got up and walked out shortly after noticing there was no hamburgers or corn dogs on the menu. Fancy little waiter boy got a kick out of this too.
The highlight of the trip had to be on the way home. There was a traffic jam on I-64 and we were cruising slowly down the road when I spied something off to the right. Perhaps this was the cause of the backup, a tractor trailer on the side of the road. No, the jam extended further. But as I glance back at the rig, i notice that Ace the driver is on the other side doing his business. How do I know this? Because from under the truck you can his white ass bent over and what is that? Brownies??? No!!! A big pile of shit on the highway. Not even gonna step into the woods?? Nope, not him. Squat on the shoulder. Nice. Unfortunately traffic was moving just a little too fast or I would have snapped a pic for your amusement.
I have some more pics I will get up shortly. There was this old dude that thought he was a punk rocker. Scary. Lumpy has sent pics of the world's strongest motorcycle. It holds his wide body up so it must be tough. I also have pics of my visit to RFK for the Nats game.
Let me tell you real quickly about that. Kids birthday party. For me that means Chucky Cheese or Fun Land or Build a Bear. Not anymore. Just tell your major league baseball team that your kid has peanut allergies and they will hook you. We had 20 some kids and a dozen adults in a luxury box at the game.
Real nice. We had to keep the allergic kids away from the peanuts and me away from the horrible things you call other people. I took my youngest son to the very top of the stadium to show him where we would be sitting if daddy had to buy the tickets.
From now on, we walk around with Just Say No To Nuts shirts and Nationals hats. I can no longer sit with the common folk now that I have stepped over the line.
I took off a couple days last week and made a long weekend of it. I took the wife on a little vacation without most of the children. Those spawn I left in the care of my parents. I have not heard from the parents since I let them escape the house. I keep calling but they don't answer. I suppose I will have to cross them off the babysitter list. We went to Williamsburg. Not a distant trip but far enough just the same. The wonderful wife was excited about not having to make breakfast for the kids and being able to enjoy the hotel's continental breakfast at her leisure. Of course we just botched that whole thing on the first morning and slept right through breakfast. I had no problem with that, ten straight hours of sleep is sweet. She was bitter. We tooled around town, shopped, and napped.
Here are some pics of cows at the local outlet mall. I do not know why they were there but they were so I took the pics.
One night we were trying to get our meal on and stopped at the Outback. It was full as Outbacks usually are. The wife needed to breastfeed, so we parked in the carryout space and she starts feeding as I pull out the laptop and search for a hot spot. Along comes slim and taps on the window to find out if we needed a carryout order as he gawks at the boob. You figure he gets his peek on and rolls, right? No, not slimmy, he waits a few and comes back for a little more teet. He taps again, asking us to move so a carryout customer can park there. The wife informs him that she is in the middle of something and we will move just as soon as humanly possibly. He grabs another eyeful and splits.
We ended up at some high dollar, over priced seafood joint. The best part was watching this group of necks and their spawn roll in. I knew they were out of their league so I watched in enjoyment. They ordered beers and drinks and then opened the menus. They got up and walked out shortly after noticing there was no hamburgers or corn dogs on the menu. Fancy little waiter boy got a kick out of this too.
The highlight of the trip had to be on the way home. There was a traffic jam on I-64 and we were cruising slowly down the road when I spied something off to the right. Perhaps this was the cause of the backup, a tractor trailer on the side of the road. No, the jam extended further. But as I glance back at the rig, i notice that Ace the driver is on the other side doing his business. How do I know this? Because from under the truck you can his white ass bent over and what is that? Brownies??? No!!! A big pile of shit on the highway. Not even gonna step into the woods?? Nope, not him. Squat on the shoulder. Nice. Unfortunately traffic was moving just a little too fast or I would have snapped a pic for your amusement.
I have some more pics I will get up shortly. There was this old dude that thought he was a punk rocker. Scary. Lumpy has sent pics of the world's strongest motorcycle. It holds his wide body up so it must be tough. I also have pics of my visit to RFK for the Nats game.
Let me tell you real quickly about that. Kids birthday party. For me that means Chucky Cheese or Fun Land or Build a Bear. Not anymore. Just tell your major league baseball team that your kid has peanut allergies and they will hook you. We had 20 some kids and a dozen adults in a luxury box at the game.
Real nice. We had to keep the allergic kids away from the peanuts and me away from the horrible things you call other people. I took my youngest son to the very top of the stadium to show him where we would be sitting if daddy had to buy the tickets.
From now on, we walk around with Just Say No To Nuts shirts and Nationals hats. I can no longer sit with the common folk now that I have stepped over the line.
Monday, August 07, 2006
GhostFace Killah
Well the dentist checked out my grill. He said that a white crown that would match my chicklets won't hold. His plan is to put a gold crown in my mouth.
Now I will have to come up with a cool rapper name. Any suggestions will be taken into consideration.
Now I will have to come up with a cool rapper name. Any suggestions will be taken into consideration.
Detached Retina and Broken Tooth
Well the weekend that started with a shopping spree until the late hours of Friday night only got better. Saturday morning called for a trip to Potomac Mills Mall. If you are not familiar with this place, imagine a long one-story mall spread out over most of the length of an entire county. And now imagine that monstrosity gorged to its gills with people. Lots and lots of people. And must I remind you that I am not overly fond of people.
We only spent a few hours in this hell hole but a few hours in a mall with a bunch of children seems like forever. I kept a cheery face though, being the good husband and father that I am.
Later we rolled up on my parents to mooch a free meal. Right after dinner we moved to the television room and I saw one of the greatest television programs ever. It was a Bratwurst eating championship from Wisconsin. The master of jamming weiners down his throat, Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi set a new world record. It was incredible. I have found my calling. When I retire, I am hitting the competitive eating tour.
During the after meal festivities my father and my son are throwing a semi soft rubber ball at each other. Harmless enough until the little monster (not my dad, he would be the older grumpy monster) beans me in the eye with the damn ball. Great, I know eye surgery is in my future. Fortunately I escaped with blurred vision and a headache.
Sunday brought church and a relaxing day. I did a little housework, watched the race and took a nap. Perfect day. Oh except for the fact that I broke a tooth during dinner. Bit into an olive and hit a pit. Now I have to visit the dentist today.
If that isn't enough for one weekend, I spoke to Lumpy today. He is always good for a laugh or two. Turns out he and his lovely bride were boozing it up and some snobby affair and fatboy drops a funnel cake on the ground. No stranger to squeezing blood from a stone, Lumpy picks up the mud covered cake and deposits it in his piehole. What a site he must have been. I can only say, 'Lumpy you are the man'.
We only spent a few hours in this hell hole but a few hours in a mall with a bunch of children seems like forever. I kept a cheery face though, being the good husband and father that I am.
Later we rolled up on my parents to mooch a free meal. Right after dinner we moved to the television room and I saw one of the greatest television programs ever. It was a Bratwurst eating championship from Wisconsin. The master of jamming weiners down his throat, Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi set a new world record. It was incredible. I have found my calling. When I retire, I am hitting the competitive eating tour.
During the after meal festivities my father and my son are throwing a semi soft rubber ball at each other. Harmless enough until the little monster (not my dad, he would be the older grumpy monster) beans me in the eye with the damn ball. Great, I know eye surgery is in my future. Fortunately I escaped with blurred vision and a headache.
Sunday brought church and a relaxing day. I did a little housework, watched the race and took a nap. Perfect day. Oh except for the fact that I broke a tooth during dinner. Bit into an olive and hit a pit. Now I have to visit the dentist today.
If that isn't enough for one weekend, I spoke to Lumpy today. He is always good for a laugh or two. Turns out he and his lovely bride were boozing it up and some snobby affair and fatboy drops a funnel cake on the ground. No stranger to squeezing blood from a stone, Lumpy picks up the mud covered cake and deposits it in his piehole. What a site he must have been. I can only say, 'Lumpy you are the man'.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Hell on Earth
So here it was, Friday, the end of the work week, time to relax and enjoy a beer with dinner and recover from the rat race. But NO. Virginia, along with several other states, has thrown a dagger into the mix. TAX FREE WEEKEND. Of course my wife, Eva Save-Alittle decides we need to save some tax money. We head out to the mall and of course we have to have dinner while we are out. I avoid the high-end restaurants and manage to convince her the herd can survive on mall food. We begin shopping. Store after no air-conditioned store and we still cannot find any shoes for the womenfolk in our brood.
We move away from the mall and head over to the other horrible shopping entity in town. At least we are going to Kohls and I can get something for myself. They are having an all night sale. Guess who is not getting home anytime soon?
Then the second dagger hits home. As we cruise by the teacher store, the wife needs to go in JUST FOR A SECOND. That is when I spy Turtle lady. She is one of the wife's best friends and the slowest creature on Earth. I try to intercept the eye contact but to no avail. This time I just sat in the vehicle while the kids watched a movie and the wife gabbed and shopped. Eons later we are off again.
Kohls is a great store. I love it. It is cheap and I like the stuff. But, damn, it is always crowded. We get there after 8ish and it is mobbed. No carts, a bad sign. We split up and I have the oldest boy go steal a cart from someone that has turned their back. Sneaky, sneaky. We somehow escape after almost two hours. Still no shoes for the girls. The wife found some of course.
On the way home, we are again detoured. The HOT light was on at Krispy Kreme. We snag a few boxes and get the kids home and in bed by 10ish. Then I pass out in the chair from exhaustion.
Sooooo, to save myself $10 from the state, it cost me a couple hundred in clothes, probably about $30 in mall food and $10 in doughnuts. Not to mention the gallons and gallons of $3.00 a gallon gas we guzzled. All in all a good night of savings.
On to other news. Miss-leave-the-group-and-move-to-the-south now has a blog. Check it out at traitor.com. OK. Maybe that isn't the real name. Turns out she rolled at a good time. The band is breaking up and the glory days are almost over. Seriously, just click on the link and visit her dog-love page. Or whatever it is.
Another year goes by without me making it to the Maine Lobster Festival. Maybe next year.
We move away from the mall and head over to the other horrible shopping entity in town. At least we are going to Kohls and I can get something for myself. They are having an all night sale. Guess who is not getting home anytime soon?
Then the second dagger hits home. As we cruise by the teacher store, the wife needs to go in JUST FOR A SECOND. That is when I spy Turtle lady. She is one of the wife's best friends and the slowest creature on Earth. I try to intercept the eye contact but to no avail. This time I just sat in the vehicle while the kids watched a movie and the wife gabbed and shopped. Eons later we are off again.
Kohls is a great store. I love it. It is cheap and I like the stuff. But, damn, it is always crowded. We get there after 8ish and it is mobbed. No carts, a bad sign. We split up and I have the oldest boy go steal a cart from someone that has turned their back. Sneaky, sneaky. We somehow escape after almost two hours. Still no shoes for the girls. The wife found some of course.
On the way home, we are again detoured. The HOT light was on at Krispy Kreme. We snag a few boxes and get the kids home and in bed by 10ish. Then I pass out in the chair from exhaustion.
Sooooo, to save myself $10 from the state, it cost me a couple hundred in clothes, probably about $30 in mall food and $10 in doughnuts. Not to mention the gallons and gallons of $3.00 a gallon gas we guzzled. All in all a good night of savings.
On to other news. Miss-leave-the-group-and-move-to-the-south now has a blog. Check it out at traitor.com. OK. Maybe that isn't the real name. Turns out she rolled at a good time. The band is breaking up and the glory days are almost over. Seriously, just click on the link and visit her dog-love page. Or whatever it is.
Another year goes by without me making it to the Maine Lobster Festival. Maybe next year.
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