Small Town Living

As many of you Jiggy E fans know, I have a couple kids. When I say a couple, it is closer to ten than it is to zero. So I am used to controlling a mob in public and making sure the family is polite and quiet when we are out. Because of this, I am more in tune with the rest of the freak world out there and their behavior in public. I notice people using profanity when normally I would not have. I notice the obnoxious smoker too. Yesterday the bozos of the world made life easier on me. They just thrust their boorish behavior right out in the open.
We were at a doctor's office yesterday for an appointment. So I get the banshees seated in the waiting room. Well the waiting room was kind of full and there is an open door and an extended waiting room in the lobby of the building. I kept my family out there so I could more easily beat them down if they got out of hand. Never had to worry about that. Too much entertainment going on for them to be bad themselves. As soon as the wife checked us in, it started.
There is this guy in the waiting room. He looked like half a tard to start with. You know the slightly (OK a little more than slightly) overweight middle age dude with the athletic shorts, long tube socks and off-brand tennis shoes. Well this biathelete begins to multitask. He starts making phone calls. Here is a brief exerpt from the first one. Words are not exact but damn close as it was etched in my mind.
Biathelete to his buddy at the top of his lungs - I am at the doctors office. I don't know when I will be done. Most people's earwax just comes out naturally. But since I have the hearing aids (possible reason for the near screaming) I have to come in here and get my ears cleaned out. I have to be down in Tappahannock this afternoon. I might be a little early. Yada, yada, yada. Yada,yada,yada. Well I gotta go.
Call two - I am new to the insurance. Oh? I need to call who? Damn. Ok. Bye.
There is a brief period of silence. My children are asking me why the strange man has to talk so loud and then....
Call three - Yep. I am still in the doctor's office. I am not sure if I will be late down there today. I have the car. It needs to get worked on. Huh? Yes. I will call if it runs late here today. Ok. Thanks. Bye.
We get called back. The wife takes the patients to the back and gets a brief vacation from the shenanigans. I help her get the kids into the doctor's office room. When I get back to the lobby, I am in the middle of...
Call four - I don't know when I will be out of here. I don't think I am ever going to be done. I will call you. Bye.
Just then, biathelete takes a backseat to another family. You have seen Poltergeist right? The crazy lady that tells them to go to the light? That is the mom. A little fat blob is the daughter and a chain smoking middle aged woman is the grandmother pushing the stroller with an infant. Blobby daughter, we will call her Pudgey, is in the outer waiting room with my kids, elbow deep in a bag of Crab chips. Grandmother tells her to offer some to my children and she looks like she just went into shock. My children politely delcine. This is when I notice a couple of things. First, Pudgey has just spilled some toxic red grape juice on the carpet. I am chuckling inside, wondering if the heifer is going to lick it up or not when I look out the front door. Two big signs are on the only door you can enter from. Sign one says, please turn off all cell phones when entering. Sign two says, hey morons we just got new carpet, please respect it and don't bring in your fat kids food and drink. I am glad that both of these people obviously cannot read. What else would I write about?
As the day is ending, it gets even better. Biathelete is getting upset. He has gone to the receptionist twice to inquire on his place in line. This is not good enough. So now he has taken to asking people on their way out from seeing the doctor, "Did you see doctor Shmo?" Obviously they answer incorrectly because each answer is followed by a big DAMN and him sitting back in his waiting room seat and them hurrying away from him like he has the plague. As we are leaving, he is finally called. Much to the chagrin of the others waiting.