1. Sandwich Artist gets dumped by his live-in girlfriend last year and falls into a downward spiral. No sex and no prospects of sex. He compensates for his lack of sex by purchasing two cats. As if he wasn't getting laid already, he seals his fate by bringing two felines into his home. These beasts proceed to use his apartment as their toilet. He is fine with that, meaning that the smell covers his 36-hour video game rampage, no shower funk. Flash forward 11 1/2 months of sex free catdom. All of sudden out of nowhere two separate women want the Artist. He is on cloud nine and unfortunately not life nine for his hairy friends. His new women think it a little homoish that he has cats so off he sends his furry soulmates to the great litter box in the sky. Not a happy ending for two souls that could have been lifelong companions. Rest assured dear reader, it was all for the good of mankind. I am sure one of these two fine women that are sharing a 28 year-old burger flipper are the marrying kind. And hope beyond hope that one day he reproduces.
2. This is always one of my favorites. Now let me tell you right up front, despite the humor you will find in it, it is a true and very sad story.
Nosaj and his old lady are dog lovers. Not like the in-laws with their crusade to save every greyhound in America. More on them later. The Nosaj family is a boxer family. They love boxers, they rescue boxers, they adopt boxers. And their house doesn't smell like greyhound piss. Not that anyone else's does either. So anyway, Nosaj and his lady are dog sitting for some adopted boxers. Most of these animals are from abusive homes and are a little skittish. So ole Nosaj was a heavy smoker back in the day. He is out walking the dogs for some exercise and, based on animal behavior in my neighborhood, to let the beasts crap all over my yard. He stops along the sidewalk and lights up. (Now keep in mind, someone took this lovable animal out of a bad home and made it part of their family and now they are on a quiet vacation relaxing and Nosaj is generously watching their animal for them) So to make a long story short, the mutt gets spooked with the lighter, busts loose from Nosaj, darts out into the road, gets clobbered by a car, and joins the pack in doggie heaven. Here is how that call must have gone:
Nosaj: Hey. How's the vacation?
Dogless: Great. How is my little guy?
Nosaj: He has been better.
Dogless: (Concern in his voice) How so?
Nosaj: He kind of got away and got run over by a car.
Dogless: (Speechless for a few seconds) Damn. I should have brought the dog and let you walk the wife.
I would like to close with a phrase I find myself saying over and over before bed and again when I rise in the morning:
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SAVING ONE DOG WON'T CHANGE THE WORLD,
BUT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THAT ONE DOG
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