Now everyone knows somebody that knows somebody that has told a gigantic fish story. The kind of story you know is a lie but you listen anyways. The kind of story that gets bigger and bigger and less likely all the time. As years go by, the fish is bigger, the battle was longer, the taste better. Today I bring you my fish story as told to me by the Ebone.
Mr. Ebone went to the Outer Banks for a little R and R over the Thanksgiving weekend. Some people save all year for ONE vacation but not the Bone. He takes leave from work and parades all across the nation at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately he took the entire family so there was not that much resting or relaxing. On one particularly odd day, odd because Ebone was sober before noon, he found himself on the beach and fully clothed. From his retelling of the tale, the fish was so fearful of the battle he would have with E that it threw itself on shore to prevent the impending pain. Supposedly this monster of a fish weighed in at over 50 lbs or the size of a Lumpy midnite snack.
Quick side bar. Mr. Lumpy has been awful quiet this past month. Me thinks that something tawdry happened on his visit back East and he is still too ashamed to speak of it. I don't know what could be that bad that he won't call us. Lumpy show us some love, just not love handles.
Back to the great fish caper. So this 50 lb striper jumps up on shore to be eaten by the Bone and his friends. I am sure in his heart, that damn fish didn't want to be baked and served with some instant rice and THEN microwaved at work, a place with no ventilation, for all of us to smell. I know this, deep down, I know this.
Onto other news. I have it on good intel that Neckbone has been sited and is again picking the scraps of The Oracles career. The Oracle has now given Neckbone some life and a new job. I can only hope this frees up a little Neck time for the tennis championship he has been avoiding. Then again, I hoped that Sandwich Artist might have at least had some tennis skills on the new Nintendo Wii. But obviously the Wii is too real and lifelike and his real tennis prowess shown through.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Turkey Day and More
I am sorry I have been busy. Darn kids and work.
Let me catch you up on my activities. Turkey day went without a hitch. Just a little family gathering at the sister-in-laws. Everything went without a hitch, EXCEPT... The sister-in-law only lives 5 miles away. Between her house and mine is only rural roads and ONE gas station. See where this is going? Well the wife tells me, after we pass said gas station, that the car won't go. I instruct her to pull into this church parking lot. Well the power steering won't work. I grab the wheel and assist her off the road. Most of the way off the road, at least. She wants me to push it the rest of the way. I am out there pushing a huge SUV loaded with wife and kids. In my lousy shape, I cannot get it to budge. I holler at the old lady to see if she might have her foot on the brake but she does not. She does not need her foot on the brake when she still has the rig in PARK. Nice. After removing the vehicle from park it moved a little easier. So we call the inlaws and request some gas. After enduring the cheesy ass grins of the father in law and Nosaj we are on our way. Back to the gas station and then over to the in-laws. Otherwise, nothing much happened on Turkey day.
That is all I have right now. I am being pulled away from the keyboard. It is my day off which means I will be more tired tonight than when I go to work.
Let me catch you up on my activities. Turkey day went without a hitch. Just a little family gathering at the sister-in-laws. Everything went without a hitch, EXCEPT... The sister-in-law only lives 5 miles away. Between her house and mine is only rural roads and ONE gas station. See where this is going? Well the wife tells me, after we pass said gas station, that the car won't go. I instruct her to pull into this church parking lot. Well the power steering won't work. I grab the wheel and assist her off the road. Most of the way off the road, at least. She wants me to push it the rest of the way. I am out there pushing a huge SUV loaded with wife and kids. In my lousy shape, I cannot get it to budge. I holler at the old lady to see if she might have her foot on the brake but she does not. She does not need her foot on the brake when she still has the rig in PARK. Nice. After removing the vehicle from park it moved a little easier. So we call the inlaws and request some gas. After enduring the cheesy ass grins of the father in law and Nosaj we are on our way. Back to the gas station and then over to the in-laws. Otherwise, nothing much happened on Turkey day.
That is all I have right now. I am being pulled away from the keyboard. It is my day off which means I will be more tired tonight than when I go to work.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Home Sweet Home
You can all rest easy now. I am back from the evil upper northeast. I learned a couple things up there. There are lots and lots of Italians. They can cook up storm. And they charge an arm and a leg at the restaurant. I think I gained about a dozen lbs. I probably look as fat as Lumpy now.
So what is worse than a 500 mile round trip? How about rain all the way up and all the way back home. Not enough? How about tornado warnings on the way home. Still not enough? How about a tire blowout when you still have 30 miles left to travel home. Yes that is the story of my wonderful trip. Squatting on the side of I95, changing a tire in the rain, watching a cop drive by and not stop to help. They don't wonder why I don't contribute to their charities do they?
So today I get to go find a new tire and hope my rim is ok. Loads and loads of fun. At least I didn't get beat down for a PS3. I just saw on the news where there were riots at some stores. Sweet. A bunch of nerds battling for a game console. I hope the Sandwich Artist wasn't part of it.
So what is worse than a 500 mile round trip? How about rain all the way up and all the way back home. Not enough? How about tornado warnings on the way home. Still not enough? How about a tire blowout when you still have 30 miles left to travel home. Yes that is the story of my wonderful trip. Squatting on the side of I95, changing a tire in the rain, watching a cop drive by and not stop to help. They don't wonder why I don't contribute to their charities do they?
So today I get to go find a new tire and hope my rim is ok. Loads and loads of fun. At least I didn't get beat down for a PS3. I just saw on the news where there were riots at some stores. Sweet. A bunch of nerds battling for a game console. I hope the Sandwich Artist wasn't part of it.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Retraction
Ok. It has been brought to my attention that the Schweet, otherwise known as Doogie claims he is not really gay. You can see how a mistake was made though, right? So to prove his heterosexualness he decided the best thing would be to jam his pie hole with man-meat. Wait. It is not exactly how it sounds. After watching a video on YouTube he attempted and was successful at eating an Ocho. An Ocho you ask? Well BK has a Quad burger. Four big ass meat patties and a bunch of other crap like bacon and cheese and bread and fat. Well little 110 lb Schweet ate 2 of them. Yup. He did it. He had a couple belches at the end that shook his whole body and I thought it was all over. Cause if he had yakked that mess up then I probably would have been sick too. Fortunately he can handle the meat. So I declare here and now that the Schweet is not too gay. Wait, I mean he is not gay at all. He just likes meat.
I write this from a secret hideaway. It is not really a secret but I don't want my family to find me. I am in hotel with beer and tv and Internet and I get to sleep later. I know I have to go back, but not today. Of course I went out for dinner and asked the waitress what was on draft. A simple enough question. She replied that they did not serve alcohol. I looked around and saw that almost every other table had alcohol. I told her if this was a racist thing, look again, I AM WHITE, I AM NOT SYRIAN. She said that you can bring your own alcohol and drink it there but they can't sell it. OK. I asked if this was the norm in the Garden State. No. I was just lucky. I picked the ONE restaurant in town that doesn't sell alcohol. Don't look for a return visit.
I spoke to our good friend from the south tonight. She said that her mom has been sick so she has been busy. But she did bring a smile to my face by letting me know her house is still a hostel. Her PREGNANT niece, her niece's 5 year old child AND her niece's boyfriend are all coming to stay with sweet Aunt LotsaRooms.
UPDATE- Ebone there are deer in VA and MD. You don't have to go to NY to NOT shoot one. I passed a truck on the way up here and he had killed two of them.
I write this from a secret hideaway. It is not really a secret but I don't want my family to find me. I am in hotel with beer and tv and Internet and I get to sleep later. I know I have to go back, but not today. Of course I went out for dinner and asked the waitress what was on draft. A simple enough question. She replied that they did not serve alcohol. I looked around and saw that almost every other table had alcohol. I told her if this was a racist thing, look again, I AM WHITE, I AM NOT SYRIAN. She said that you can bring your own alcohol and drink it there but they can't sell it. OK. I asked if this was the norm in the Garden State. No. I was just lucky. I picked the ONE restaurant in town that doesn't sell alcohol. Don't look for a return visit.
I spoke to our good friend from the south tonight. She said that her mom has been sick so she has been busy. But she did bring a smile to my face by letting me know her house is still a hostel. Her PREGNANT niece, her niece's 5 year old child AND her niece's boyfriend are all coming to stay with sweet Aunt LotsaRooms.
UPDATE- Ebone there are deer in VA and MD. You don't have to go to NY to NOT shoot one. I passed a truck on the way up here and he had killed two of them.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
I AM GAY.
The entire world is now gay. I cannot stand it. Lance Bass is gay. Melissa Ethridge is gay. And now Doogie Friggin Howser is GAY. There is even rumors that a character on LOST will be gay this season. What? This just isn't right. It is getting worse and worse. Now our very own Doogie, the Schweet has announced he is of the rump ranger variety. I think he is just going through a phase. We can only hope and pray for the Schweet. What happened to the good old days when people were straight.
Now I might not be the most politically correct guy, but I found out some disturbing things about my wife yesterday. Her friends have labeled her high maintenance. We were going out for lunch without kids. We had decided on Chinese. Well the restaurant I chose was not up to par. It seemed like a good joint from the outside but it was rather weak upon entrance. She started in on a tirade about eating dog and cat and saying she would rather eat dirt than let me choose the restaurant again. I got a glimpse into the evil side of this woman. I was disturbed.
On a humorous note: I got a call the other night. I will not mention the guy's name but let us just say he has been mentioned before in this here blog. He calls me up asking if I or any of my kids own a particular pair of socks. What the F?? You are calling me at 9pm to ask about my wardrobe???? He is describing the clothing articles when it dawns on me why. Mr. Worried has found these socks in his home, maybe in a dresser drawer, maybe in a corner, who knows. But he has found these socks and realize they are not his. This leads him to jump to the conclusion that his old lady is banging the mailman, Shwanns food guy AND the meter reader. I begin to crack up inside. The socks he has described are my son's. The boy can't keep track of any of his posessions. You can invite him to your crib and you will always get some sort of gift because he will leave something there. I say this partially embarrassed because I left a sweat-shirt at Ebones the other night when we played poker. One way or another I finally had to just tell Nervous Nelly that we had never seen the socks before. Why do you ask?
I am always there to help a friend.
Oh yeah. I never got to finish the last blog I was working on about kidz. You know why? Because I have kids and they never let me alone.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Kidz
Kids are great most of the time. The only problem is when the time comes that they are not nice, you can't get rid of them. You could try to duct tape them together but you would probably get caught.
On those days when they are kind of cool, you can do things like hit Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday while the rest of the poor shmuck work force is busy at work.
And whomever tells you that the basketball game at the Chucksters is not fun must just suck at the basketball game at the Chucksters. Fortunately I am not that dude.
On those days when they are kind of cool, you can do things like hit Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday while the rest of the poor shmuck work force is busy at work.
And whomever tells you that the basketball game at the Chucksters is not fun must just suck at the basketball game at the Chucksters. Fortunately I am not that dude.
5 on 13
OK. I know you have missed me. I have a lot on tap so I might have to break it up into a couple entries.
First off I have a chilling gas station story. Last week I was driving to work and realized I was without my wallet. That is fine as I had my lunch packed but then I realize I have no gas. This, too, turned out to be ok. I was carpooling with the Ebone and had enough gas to get to the commuter lot. The wife had an appointment somewhere past the car lot and would be able to drop my wallet in my car and I could fuel up on the way home. Well I never got in touch with her before she left the house so I had to fall back on plan B. I would hit up Ebone for a 20 spot and be done with it. Well I kind of fell asleep on the way home and when I woke up at the lot the loan slipped my mind. SO now Ebone is gone and I am on fumes. I start fumbling through the ride for change. I come up with the $2.00 in quarters. WEAK. Not what I want to do but I have no choice. I have often wondered who actually pays with cash any more. Now I know. Well I get to the gas station and do a deep cavity search of the ride. I, fortunately, find my poker winnings container. Well most of it is in quarters but I happen to find a $5 spot. I am saved. Still walking into the Qwikky Pikky with a five is not nice but much better than with 8 shiny quarters. Thus I had to speak the dreaded words, "I'll take five on thirteen".
In other news, I have dropped a couple lbs lately. Just eating smaller portions, snacking less and a slight, slight drop in beer consumption. Well I got the dagger on Tuesday. We were picking up Happy Ass meals for the kids at McDs and the wife pummels my midsection with one sentence. "Hey honey, the have McRibs again." Now I have willpower most of the time. I am not watching porn 24/7 online. I am not eating cakes all night. I don't even drink too many sudsies on the weekends and almost none during the week. But I cannot turn down a McRib. I ordered 4 and knocked them out in the next 18 hours. I am WEAK.
Lumpy is back in town. The big poker game is on for Friday. Lumpy had issues earlier this week with trick-or-treaters. He was trying to stand his ground and refuse candy to children that didn't have costumes on or children that were not of his same ethnic background. He was overruled by his better half. Fortunately for him, because them damn kids would have egged his stingy ass.
On the disturbing front, check out Sandwich Artist's Myspace page. What is more disturbing to you, SA with a cowboy hat and a little boy, or his list of friends? You know what is more disturbing to me? The fact that I am going to training out of town and I have to share a room with this freak.
I have a bunch of kid stories so I will have to write another post for them. But I do have a Neckbone update. No, he hasn't dragged his fat ass to the tennis courts to let me drub him, but he has surfaced. He hates his job, wants to crawl back to his old job. You would think that he would beg and plead to get his comfy job back. No. He wants a raise!!!! The friggin cajones on some people.
First off I have a chilling gas station story. Last week I was driving to work and realized I was without my wallet. That is fine as I had my lunch packed but then I realize I have no gas. This, too, turned out to be ok. I was carpooling with the Ebone and had enough gas to get to the commuter lot. The wife had an appointment somewhere past the car lot and would be able to drop my wallet in my car and I could fuel up on the way home. Well I never got in touch with her before she left the house so I had to fall back on plan B. I would hit up Ebone for a 20 spot and be done with it. Well I kind of fell asleep on the way home and when I woke up at the lot the loan slipped my mind. SO now Ebone is gone and I am on fumes. I start fumbling through the ride for change. I come up with the $2.00 in quarters. WEAK. Not what I want to do but I have no choice. I have often wondered who actually pays with cash any more. Now I know. Well I get to the gas station and do a deep cavity search of the ride. I, fortunately, find my poker winnings container. Well most of it is in quarters but I happen to find a $5 spot. I am saved. Still walking into the Qwikky Pikky with a five is not nice but much better than with 8 shiny quarters. Thus I had to speak the dreaded words, "I'll take five on thirteen".
In other news, I have dropped a couple lbs lately. Just eating smaller portions, snacking less and a slight, slight drop in beer consumption. Well I got the dagger on Tuesday. We were picking up Happy Ass meals for the kids at McDs and the wife pummels my midsection with one sentence. "Hey honey, the have McRibs again." Now I have willpower most of the time. I am not watching porn 24/7 online. I am not eating cakes all night. I don't even drink too many sudsies on the weekends and almost none during the week. But I cannot turn down a McRib. I ordered 4 and knocked them out in the next 18 hours. I am WEAK.
Lumpy is back in town. The big poker game is on for Friday. Lumpy had issues earlier this week with trick-or-treaters. He was trying to stand his ground and refuse candy to children that didn't have costumes on or children that were not of his same ethnic background. He was overruled by his better half. Fortunately for him, because them damn kids would have egged his stingy ass.
On the disturbing front, check out Sandwich Artist's Myspace page. What is more disturbing to you, SA with a cowboy hat and a little boy, or his list of friends? You know what is more disturbing to me? The fact that I am going to training out of town and I have to share a room with this freak.
I have a bunch of kid stories so I will have to write another post for them. But I do have a Neckbone update. No, he hasn't dragged his fat ass to the tennis courts to let me drub him, but he has surfaced. He hates his job, wants to crawl back to his old job. You would think that he would beg and plead to get his comfy job back. No. He wants a raise!!!! The friggin cajones on some people.
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