Every day I find out something interesting. Some times I learn things at work. Some days my kids amaze me with wit or stupidity or pure evil. Here are some of the things I learned this week.
Nobody at work can tell the truth. People are failing the truth test faster than my wife gets pregnant. I am glad I got out of that den of liars. They can only bring you down.
I learned that I can obviously pick a football team because my fantasy team is ranked numero uno in the league. I just beat that Ebone ass and had to hear him cry about it.
Sandwich Artist realized he has no athletic ability, no fantasy football skills (0-7), so now he has resorted to karate against kids. KAK is his new hobby. That and treating his body like an amusement park.
El Quad is still alive. I need to change the link on the side of the page. He has resurfaced with his blog here. Check it out. He has stories about the Ebone.
Speaking of Ebone. I would love to tell you he went to New York and bagged a bear. Or a deer. Or a friggin possum. But alas no. He came home with his bow and arrows intact and a little frostbite on his little E. Sitting in a tree for 6 hours a day in freezing cold rain sounds like fun to me.
Lumpy is back. Well almost. He is headed back East for business in a few weeks and we have a card game planned. We were going to schedule something for the rest of the weekend but Ebone said they need some Alone time to catch up. OK then.
I talked to Lumpy yesterday. He is taking some training at home online. He told me he had multitasked during the instruction. I can only imagine that meant he pulled out the little Lumpy and saluted the instructor. He is a sick, sick man.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
QuickPix
See, I told you, we aren't gay if our eyes are shut. Sweet.
I'm too sexy for my jeans, so sexy it's mean.
No, Dick, they are not the same shirt. Mine is SHORT SLEEVE, his is long sleeve. DUH.
Obit
I am writing this in case I die this week. The dreaded Hawkman flu will not leave my family alone. I have had a cold for it seems like the last month. This damn thing will just not go away. I think I have kicked it and it comes back stronger. I sit here tonight hoping it is not my last night alive. If it is, then I would not be able to report all the hoopla to you. Here is what I have since the last time I wrote you.
Neckbone/BirdFluMan still hates his job and is looking for new employment. Imagine that. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You run from one demon (lies) and smack dab into another one (actual work). I will keep you posted on his job status and start accepting donations should he end up jobless.
The Human Tumor might be coming back. He had an interview with The Company and might be on his way to gainful employment again. Hopefully his fake tumor will not resurface again after I vouched for his lazy ass. Do you know hard it is to say good things about someone while thinking about how he laid on the couch for months while Sugar Plum fairies danced around his overgrown noggin.
The tennis season seems to be on continued hiatus. I realize that I will never get to play Neckbone again but hopefully soon the rest of us can get some matches in before the winter. Maybe this week guys?
Rumor central. Mini-Paul is not happy in the Midwest. At least not with The Company. He is looking for other sources of income. Given all his other skills, he should have no problem. As long as there is always a market for Boy Scout troop leaders or potato gun shooters, he will always be employed. WHAT? There is not a high demand for those things? DAMN, he might be ass-out.
Our other midwest friend, Lumpy, is eagerly awaiting his first spawn. We can all wish him the best and wish the best for the little one - Don't look like daddy. Don't look like daddy.
I don't have much status on the Ebone, except for the fact that he is not a liar anymore. He is now a prevaricator. I had to come up with a new name for someone that good. They finally told him, "You got nothing new for us, we got nothing new for you." Basically technical speak for 'Don't call us, we'll call you'. Hey Ebone, your phone won't be ringing.
Neckbone/BirdFluMan still hates his job and is looking for new employment. Imagine that. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You run from one demon (lies) and smack dab into another one (actual work). I will keep you posted on his job status and start accepting donations should he end up jobless.
The Human Tumor might be coming back. He had an interview with The Company and might be on his way to gainful employment again. Hopefully his fake tumor will not resurface again after I vouched for his lazy ass. Do you know hard it is to say good things about someone while thinking about how he laid on the couch for months while Sugar Plum fairies danced around his overgrown noggin.
The tennis season seems to be on continued hiatus. I realize that I will never get to play Neckbone again but hopefully soon the rest of us can get some matches in before the winter. Maybe this week guys?
Rumor central. Mini-Paul is not happy in the Midwest. At least not with The Company. He is looking for other sources of income. Given all his other skills, he should have no problem. As long as there is always a market for Boy Scout troop leaders or potato gun shooters, he will always be employed. WHAT? There is not a high demand for those things? DAMN, he might be ass-out.
Our other midwest friend, Lumpy, is eagerly awaiting his first spawn. We can all wish him the best and wish the best for the little one - Don't look like daddy. Don't look like daddy.
I don't have much status on the Ebone, except for the fact that he is not a liar anymore. He is now a prevaricator. I had to come up with a new name for someone that good. They finally told him, "You got nothing new for us, we got nothing new for you." Basically technical speak for 'Don't call us, we'll call you'. Hey Ebone, your phone won't be ringing.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Wrong Number
I talked to a buddy of mine today. This is a great story. I am pausing LOST right now to bring it to you. My buddy met this chick. These stories with him usually end with one of the following: she filed a restraining order against me; i got kicked out of the bar; or I am still paying rent on an apartment that her and her boyfriend lived in. Those are all funny in their own way but this one was nice and quick. He said they seemed to get along and then she reached into her purse to give up the number. He called the next day. He didn't get Suzy SleepsAround, instead he got The Rejection Hotline. That is awesome. They have local numbers all over the country. Find a local number and make the call. You will enjoy it.
One other brief story that is bound to have a bad ending. I was supposed to meet Captain Redneck at the local high school to use their tennis courts. We have been using them most of the summer but now kids are back in school. I rolled up and there was a lady there in the parking lot. It was early. She said the kids didn't get out for another hour. So I rolled home and tried to call Captain on the way. I finally got ahold of him and all I hear is, "I am at the school changing my clothes, I am naked in the parking lot and the bell just rang"......I hung up and deleted my call record. I am sure it worked out ok.
One other brief story that is bound to have a bad ending. I was supposed to meet Captain Redneck at the local high school to use their tennis courts. We have been using them most of the summer but now kids are back in school. I rolled up and there was a lady there in the parking lot. It was early. She said the kids didn't get out for another hour. So I rolled home and tried to call Captain on the way. I finally got ahold of him and all I hear is, "I am at the school changing my clothes, I am naked in the parking lot and the bell just rang"......I hung up and deleted my call record. I am sure it worked out ok.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Weekend Wrap-up
The weekend is over and i am beat down. I need a break from my three day break. The lowlight had to be the funeral on Friday and then the 3 1/2 hour drive back home in rush hour traffic. If people are going to die, they could at least do it during off peak hours. I shouldn't be rude but what do they care, they didn't have to drive back home on 95 on a Friday no less.
The highlight was going to be the crab feast I had on Saturday. It was working out nicely. We had an afternoon in the park, shooting model rockets and the kids played with friends. The location of the park put us closer to the crab shack. And then I blew it. I asked our friends how long it takes to get to their house because they live near the crab place. I did not want to be late. This somehow got turned into me taking my crabs over to the friends house to eat. That would have been all fine and good if they were they to serve me crabs and beer but they wanted to partake in my crusteceasan friends. Being of such big heart, I obliged. Either it was the big heart or the wife forcing me to part with part of my catch. One way or another, I shared. So much for the last crab haul of the season.
I began to get sick over the weekend. Now things change. I mean the wife has been battling illness for three weeks but now the gloves are off. I am sick. The bread winner, the man of the house, the big whiner. I don't like being sick. I need people to take care of me when I am even the littlest bit sick. She hasn't been able to smell or taste for weeks but I have a little sore throat and shit will change. No more feeling sorry for herself, she better get on the stick and start waiting on me. Damn women.
I can't wait to get to work. E-bone went on a golf trip with El Quad and his croonies. I can only assume someone got molested or passed out or both. Here's to the brotherhood.
The highlight was going to be the crab feast I had on Saturday. It was working out nicely. We had an afternoon in the park, shooting model rockets and the kids played with friends. The location of the park put us closer to the crab shack. And then I blew it. I asked our friends how long it takes to get to their house because they live near the crab place. I did not want to be late. This somehow got turned into me taking my crabs over to the friends house to eat. That would have been all fine and good if they were they to serve me crabs and beer but they wanted to partake in my crusteceasan friends. Being of such big heart, I obliged. Either it was the big heart or the wife forcing me to part with part of my catch. One way or another, I shared. So much for the last crab haul of the season.
I began to get sick over the weekend. Now things change. I mean the wife has been battling illness for three weeks but now the gloves are off. I am sick. The bread winner, the man of the house, the big whiner. I don't like being sick. I need people to take care of me when I am even the littlest bit sick. She hasn't been able to smell or taste for weeks but I have a little sore throat and shit will change. No more feeling sorry for herself, she better get on the stick and start waiting on me. Damn women.
I can't wait to get to work. E-bone went on a golf trip with El Quad and his croonies. I can only assume someone got molested or passed out or both. Here's to the brotherhood.
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