In the Name of Nick

Do you ever wonder how people get nicknames? I mean is there really any logical reason someone would call a 400 lb dude Tiny?
But the fact of the matter is when you get a nickname, like it or not, the name sticks. Sometimes you have nicknames your friends call you to your face like Hassan because of my Sand Moolie heritage. There are also nicknames you only find out about later like Sarge because obviously I was a little hard on my roommates about cleaning up the townhouse. The friggin slobs deserved being yelled at. Heathens.
Anyways, you have read about many of our friends here at superjiggye. I will try to clarify a few of the nicknames for you.

Hawkman - dude has eyes like a hawk. (OK really his last name has hawk in it.)
Lumpy - If you saw his overgrown slothenly body, you would know.
E-bone - Since this name was given by the Brotherhood, I can only assume it is some kind of gay pride thing.
Mr. Redneck - dude is a redneck. Sometimes it is just that simple.
Sandwich Artist - The guys major accomplishments in life to date is banging lonely Internet chicks and working at a Subway in BFE. That and making fun of customers. What kind of sad sap giggles at homeless guys that have trouble saying black olives? It is a sad world we live in.
Steeler Fan Boy - An overgrown man that lives and dies for the Steel City. At least when the rest of your life is meaningless you can live through your football team. Go Franco.
Bird Flu Man - He has many nicknames. Some known, some not. Mr. Moneymaker, Cultboy, Neckbone.

Which brings me to the topic of the day. Say two of your buddies went fishing. Say they also went camping together. Say they both had nicknames when they left but yet come home with more. Now I am sure Vito/Johnnycakes won't stick. Just like SevenSongSteve won't stick either. These are just temporary names. But, seriously, who drops a C note on a friggin seven song lap dance? Do you at least get to pick the seven songs? Personally if I was dropping enough cash on some backwoods skank to feed Sally Struthers for a day, I would want to pick the music. Say Stairway to Heaven seven times. Get my moneys worth. I also don't think I would spend a hunnie on a chick bouncing off my shlonggie and then rush back to the campground to sleep head to toe with my good buddie. But that is just me and they did call me Sarge behind my back.

So I am not saying that the boys really earned the Vito/Johnnycakes names. Nobody really knows what happened in that camper. I just know they put out the "If this rigs a rocking, don't come a knocking" sing on the door. And I know that Vito has an "Gas, Grass, or Ass, Nobody Rides for Free bumper sticker" and that Johnnycakes doesn't do dope, at least that's the story he is telling Poly, and he spent his last dollars on the coochie shake. Doesn't leave many options now does it?