As a few of you have already heard, the little man broke his finger over the weekend. The wife was on duty so I am in the clear. The nurse practitioner at the hospital called it 'an open fracture'. I call it a busted up digit. He was at a bowling outing and tripped carrying a ball. The ball squished his finger and split the bone at the tip of his finger. It also jacked up his nail on that finger. Today is a visit with the orthopedist. I am really going to reach my $2200. deductible early this year. He was a trooper and didn't cry at all at the hospital. And he must have been so cute (just like dad) that the nurse ushered us in past a waiting room full of waiting people. Ohhhh, they must have been bitter. I didn't look back.
The dog is a total terror. We had two other Huskies before. One was a dream as a puppy, the other a total nightmare. Can you guess which this dog acts like?? She cries whenever she is put in the cage and likes to pee in the house. I can understand if I don't take the dog out, she might pee on my floor. But I take the beast out, she pees, then comes in and pees again. WTF?? So when I get her out of the cage in the morning it would be wet on her towel and the newspapers. I figured she had to go at night. Then if I went anywhere and come home maybe an hour later, the stuff would still be soaked. Dog can't have to go that much. I figured out what it is. She gets to howling and whining and gnawing at the cage. All the liquid???? She is foaming at the mouth. Unbelievable. Drooling all over the cage to escape. And I paid money for this? But she sure is cute.
The weekend before last we had a birthday party for one of the kids. Now I know it seems like we are always having a birthday party for one of the kids. We are, because we have lots of kids. So the wife plans the party at 2pm. She thinks we won't have to feed all the family. Oh I forgot to mention this was just a family party because I have to choke up money for the little princess to have an ice skating party during the week with her friends. So I tell the wife, it is like this. You can't take food from these animals, they have come to expect it. I tried to get her to understand it in relative terms. I told her they would like Ebone the first time he came back from Thailand and got a massage over here. At the end of the massage the lady said your are done and Ebone said 'What???????'. Then I tried to tell her it is like playing poker at EBones house and not waking up to eggs, bacon, waffles, fruit and juice. I would go nuts. (BTW, Ebone, don't let that ever happen). She was still not comprhending. Finally I said it is like you go to the mall and there is nothing for you to buy. She finally got the picture. We ended up serving food. I busted out chicken wings. They were a big hit. I think I ended up making some cash for the maker of my fryer. There were several inquiries about it and a possible purchase too.
I still haven't talked to Nosaj since the Packers lost in the playoffs. He hasn't called so he might actually be dead. At least he didn't owe me any money.
Lumpy should feel a little better today. I talked to one other person that is going through a detox program right now. If you don't know what that is, it is a bottle of pills you take to make you crap a lot and feel better. Lumpy loves a good detox program. So this person doesn't want me to mention his name. But you can still secretly laugh at him and his many bathroom visits he is paying $30 for. I have my own detox program. I call it chicken wings with hot sauce.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Quick Golf Notes
I can always tell who wins the weekly golf match between Nosaj and the father-in-law. Whoever calls me on Saturday evening for no apparent reason.
Golf winner: Hey.
Me: Hey.
GW: What's new?
Me: Nada. How about you?
GW: Well let me tell you. I beat the crap out of him. He cheated, I am awesome. I hit awesome shots and he smells.
Me: I think you have the wrong number.
I was thinking about these weekly calls when I talked to my dad yesterday. He told me he had poison ivy real bad. Since he lives in a old folks neighborhood with 1/64 of an acre for land, I asked how in the heck he got the ivy. He goes on with this elaborately planned scenario. It seemed like a 48 hours mystery.
Supposedly he is out playing golf with other old people. He gets up near the green. I break in and ask him if the course is a little unkempt. Is there ivy on the green? He goes on that he noticed they just bush hogged a portion of the woods. He noticed a bunch of golf balls over there. So he grabs about thirty balls to give to my kid. OK. I am buying it so far. Then, somehow, a few holes later his cart dies. The pro shop brings him another cart and he forgets all the found balls on the dead cart. Then he gets home and realizes he has bad poison ivy and no golf balls.
I would have just said, I played bad and took a bunch of shots from the woods. But that is just me.
Golf winner: Hey.
Me: Hey.
GW: What's new?
Me: Nada. How about you?
GW: Well let me tell you. I beat the crap out of him. He cheated, I am awesome. I hit awesome shots and he smells.
Me: I think you have the wrong number.
I was thinking about these weekly calls when I talked to my dad yesterday. He told me he had poison ivy real bad. Since he lives in a old folks neighborhood with 1/64 of an acre for land, I asked how in the heck he got the ivy. He goes on with this elaborately planned scenario. It seemed like a 48 hours mystery.
Supposedly he is out playing golf with other old people. He gets up near the green. I break in and ask him if the course is a little unkempt. Is there ivy on the green? He goes on that he noticed they just bush hogged a portion of the woods. He noticed a bunch of golf balls over there. So he grabs about thirty balls to give to my kid. OK. I am buying it so far. Then, somehow, a few holes later his cart dies. The pro shop brings him another cart and he forgets all the found balls on the dead cart. Then he gets home and realizes he has bad poison ivy and no golf balls.
I would have just said, I played bad and took a bunch of shots from the woods. But that is just me.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Hunter Jiggy
I have taken up hunting. I used to think it was a horribly boring hobby. You sit in the woods for hours or days hoping to only glimpse a poor defenseless animal and take a shot at it. Ebone does it all the time and never really seems to kill anything. So I have surmised that he is not really hunting but just leaving town for weeks at a time to do who knows what with who knows who. However, I have taken hunting to the next level. I just cruise down the street and plow into the animals with my little car. Now this might not be the best hunting technique but I got one last week. How about you Ebone?
And as you can tell I let the boys at my old job know about it. Being the caring souls they are, they decided to let Photoshop tell my story. Glad you guys are busy.
And as you can tell I let the boys at my old job know about it. Being the caring souls they are, they decided to let Photoshop tell my story. Glad you guys are busy.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy, Happy New Year
The first funny story of the New Year happened at 12:18 A.M. As Nosaj and Mrs. Nosaj were gathering their gear to take demon baby Nosaj home, Mrs. Nosaj's phone rings. They didn't get it in time so we listened to the message. Ever insecure Nosaj got crazy when the caller says 'Hey honey. Don't call my home number too late. Just wanted to say Happy, Happy New Year. See you soon.' So of course he calls back and of course it turns out to be a wrong number. But it was minutes of pure laughter for me.
The boys at the hockey game.
The wreaths that kept falling off while I was hanging them up. They have all been up for two weeks without a drop though. I must have done something right.
The Christmas card. If you didn't get one, just print this out and hang it on your fridge.
Last night we kept the holidays going. We invaded a house. After a couple of beers, I used the restroom facilities. Always the jokester, I inquired if they had a plunger. Lo and behold, 10 minutes later I really needed a plunger (and when I say I, I really mean the homeowner because I wasn't plunging it.) as one of the kids jacked up the toilet. I don't know if we will be invited back. There was another family there so I can hope it was one of their kids.
The boys at the hockey game.
The wreaths that kept falling off while I was hanging them up. They have all been up for two weeks without a drop though. I must have done something right.
The Christmas card. If you didn't get one, just print this out and hang it on your fridge.
Last night we kept the holidays going. We invaded a house. After a couple of beers, I used the restroom facilities. Always the jokester, I inquired if they had a plunger. Lo and behold, 10 minutes later I really needed a plunger (and when I say I, I really mean the homeowner because I wasn't plunging it.) as one of the kids jacked up the toilet. I don't know if we will be invited back. There was another family there so I can hope it was one of their kids.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Very Merry
Christmas has come and gone. I would like to personally thank the following businesses for draining my wallet. American Girl Doll company, Pottery Barn Kids Corp, and Gymboree Corp. There were other players in the mix but none had the uncanny ability of these three to so thoroughly abuse my paycheck.
Let me recall the highlights of the first week of my vacation. The first night after I got off of work I took three boys (two of them mine) to see the Caps game. It was the first Caps game for my two. It was the first actually hockey game for my youngest. They had a blast. I did too. The seats were great. We were eight rows up, center ice. The night was perfect except for when I got up and kicked over half of my seven dollar beer. I couldn't have just grabbed a five or six dollar Bud to kick over. Nope. Had to grab a Heine. The better beer when you are punting it amongst the seats.
There was going to a bar and watching football on Sunday with Nosaj. No guys tried to pick him up here so that was nice. But his Packers got walloped so he cried the whole time. I had on a Bills jersey in honor of E-bone, plus they were playing the Giants but it didn't help. And did you know you can actually see THROUGH a Miller Lite. It is like drinking urine flavored water or so I've heard. But the were on 2 dollar special so I knocked out a half dozen and complained about it the whole time.
There was the last minute shopping. Actually I went out early on Thursday and Friday mornings and had no hassles. I also went out Christmas Eve to buy food for Christmas dinner and met no snags either. The early bird beats the rush. I did get to see people filing into Costco at 10:00 when they opened on Friday morning. It was unbelievable. I was only there to pick up my Christmas cards I had done online the night before. So if you don't have it, it should be there soon. The didn't get mailed until Saturday afternoon. Nothing like last minute. Seventy five of those babies went out. There was the shock when I only paid 20 bucks for 75 cards and then twice that much for stamps. Damn lazy postmen.
Christmas eve had my parents over to exchange presents with us. Not much of an exchange for them. They show up with a car full of presents and walk out with a couple of items. But they keep coming back so I guess they haven't figured it out.
Then comes the evening meal at the wife's grandmothers. She only has to open the door. Everything else is done for her. And yet there were still issues. We decided to make it easier on the mother-in-law who had tons of presents and had made or bought all the food and move the festivities to her house. Oh no. Grannie says no. She can't be rearranged like that at the last minute. We must all come to her house. Personally I didn't care. Couple of beers and it doesn't matter where I am. Then crazy Grannie kept talking about this friggin cake she made. Said it was called 'Better than Sex Cake'. Well I am sure when you haven't had it in 100 years, cake is probably better. But I don't need you spouting the name all night in front of my kids. If she said it one more time it was gonna be 'Pillow over the old lady's head Cake'. But it was a good evening. Except....
Nosaj got a new camera and somehow deleted all the pictures he took of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. No pictures of Little Nosaj opening gifts. He hit a button to reset the camera to the factory defaults. Mrs. Nosaj was unpleased. And Father-in-law was sooooo very understanding. We got great one-liners all Christmas Day like 'Reset man' and 'Don't blame me, it's not my default' (that was my favorite). Santa or St. Nicholas as he is called in our abode wasn't as generous as both sets of grandparents. We limited the fat guy (not you dad) to three gifts per kid.
It seems like we are celebrating Hannakuh here. With all the different gift opening opportunities. The kids won't get their presents from us until the Epiphany in a few days. By then, I am sure they will have broken some of the other stuff anyways. I will get some pictures up soon.
Let me recall the highlights of the first week of my vacation. The first night after I got off of work I took three boys (two of them mine) to see the Caps game. It was the first Caps game for my two. It was the first actually hockey game for my youngest. They had a blast. I did too. The seats were great. We were eight rows up, center ice. The night was perfect except for when I got up and kicked over half of my seven dollar beer. I couldn't have just grabbed a five or six dollar Bud to kick over. Nope. Had to grab a Heine. The better beer when you are punting it amongst the seats.
There was going to a bar and watching football on Sunday with Nosaj. No guys tried to pick him up here so that was nice. But his Packers got walloped so he cried the whole time. I had on a Bills jersey in honor of E-bone, plus they were playing the Giants but it didn't help. And did you know you can actually see THROUGH a Miller Lite. It is like drinking urine flavored water or so I've heard. But the were on 2 dollar special so I knocked out a half dozen and complained about it the whole time.
There was the last minute shopping. Actually I went out early on Thursday and Friday mornings and had no hassles. I also went out Christmas Eve to buy food for Christmas dinner and met no snags either. The early bird beats the rush. I did get to see people filing into Costco at 10:00 when they opened on Friday morning. It was unbelievable. I was only there to pick up my Christmas cards I had done online the night before. So if you don't have it, it should be there soon. The didn't get mailed until Saturday afternoon. Nothing like last minute. Seventy five of those babies went out. There was the shock when I only paid 20 bucks for 75 cards and then twice that much for stamps. Damn lazy postmen.
Christmas eve had my parents over to exchange presents with us. Not much of an exchange for them. They show up with a car full of presents and walk out with a couple of items. But they keep coming back so I guess they haven't figured it out.
Then comes the evening meal at the wife's grandmothers. She only has to open the door. Everything else is done for her. And yet there were still issues. We decided to make it easier on the mother-in-law who had tons of presents and had made or bought all the food and move the festivities to her house. Oh no. Grannie says no. She can't be rearranged like that at the last minute. We must all come to her house. Personally I didn't care. Couple of beers and it doesn't matter where I am. Then crazy Grannie kept talking about this friggin cake she made. Said it was called 'Better than Sex Cake'. Well I am sure when you haven't had it in 100 years, cake is probably better. But I don't need you spouting the name all night in front of my kids. If she said it one more time it was gonna be 'Pillow over the old lady's head Cake'. But it was a good evening. Except....
Nosaj got a new camera and somehow deleted all the pictures he took of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. No pictures of Little Nosaj opening gifts. He hit a button to reset the camera to the factory defaults. Mrs. Nosaj was unpleased. And Father-in-law was sooooo very understanding. We got great one-liners all Christmas Day like 'Reset man' and 'Don't blame me, it's not my default' (that was my favorite). Santa or St. Nicholas as he is called in our abode wasn't as generous as both sets of grandparents. We limited the fat guy (not you dad) to three gifts per kid.
It seems like we are celebrating Hannakuh here. With all the different gift opening opportunities. The kids won't get their presents from us until the Epiphany in a few days. By then, I am sure they will have broken some of the other stuff anyways. I will get some pictures up soon.
That Nosaj Sure Is Cute
It has been over a week since I last wrote you. I have some good stuff so let's get to it. First off is Nosaj. I thought I could write a book about one of my high school boys, Red. But, he is soooooo one dimensional compared to Nosaj.
Here is the story as told to me directly by Nosaj. He is unloading his cargo from his truck at one of his many stops. He, if you didn't know already, is a truck driver. He is highly skilled in his profession, and by that I mean he has a driver's license. So here is Nosaj unloading the truck and somebody beeps at him. He turns. Some dude. He waves and like the good little worker bee goes back to unloading. The guy beeps again. Nosaj turns and looks and this time is greeted with a gesture. Nosaj is unprepared for this and says 'Huh?'. Again he unloads. The beeps continue. Obviously Nosaj is not picking up on the vibe. Finally the guy, I repeat guy, offers to take care of a special need for Nosaj. It is too vulgar an act to speak of here. Just imagine Senator Larry Craig in a bathroom stall. Nosaj ignores the dude and finally he goes away.
So these questions immediately come to my mind. What on Earth makes a guy proposition another guy? In a public parking lot at that? And why in the world would he choose Nosaj? Nosaj isn't even attractive to the oppostie sex. And why is Nosaj bragging about this? It is a crazy world we live in.
Here is the story as told to me directly by Nosaj. He is unloading his cargo from his truck at one of his many stops. He, if you didn't know already, is a truck driver. He is highly skilled in his profession, and by that I mean he has a driver's license. So here is Nosaj unloading the truck and somebody beeps at him. He turns. Some dude. He waves and like the good little worker bee goes back to unloading. The guy beeps again. Nosaj turns and looks and this time is greeted with a gesture. Nosaj is unprepared for this and says 'Huh?'. Again he unloads. The beeps continue. Obviously Nosaj is not picking up on the vibe. Finally the guy, I repeat guy, offers to take care of a special need for Nosaj. It is too vulgar an act to speak of here. Just imagine Senator Larry Craig in a bathroom stall. Nosaj ignores the dude and finally he goes away.
So these questions immediately come to my mind. What on Earth makes a guy proposition another guy? In a public parking lot at that? And why in the world would he choose Nosaj? Nosaj isn't even attractive to the oppostie sex. And why is Nosaj bragging about this? It is a crazy world we live in.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Little Lumpy - A Chip off the Old Block
I know it has been over a week since my last entry. I have been busy with school. Here is a quick story I could not keep from you. I will try to get some new pics up soon. I got a new phone that has a camera. Welcome to the 19th century for me. I read a review of the phone online, talking about how new and cool it is. Then I saw the article was dated 2004. NICE. Always on the cutting edge. Now on to the story.
As many of you know, Lumpy isn't the most sanitary of people. He has told us of stories of crapping himself, crapping in his buddy's cat box at a party, crapping in his snow suit, and swimming through a river of crap in Thailand. So this is only karma coming back at him.
Last week the Lumpster took his family from the frozen tundra of the midwest to the beautiful sunny west coast. Him, Mrs. Lumpy and the little Lump took a couple flights out to Cali. On one such flight, Little Lump (LL) is giggling and waving at people as they board, then as they sit and then as they try to sleep. Big Lump (BL) has LL on his shoulder and he is just grinning and hollering. So the guy behind him taps him on the arm. Their conversation is below.
Guy - Hey buddy.
BL - Yes, pal?
Guy - Nice kid.
BL - Thanks, comrade.
Guy - You gots a wipe or something?
BL - Wipe?
Guy - You know, a baby wipe so I can wipe his puke off my pants.
BL - OH MY. I am so sorry. Let me get you a drink.
Guy - No problem. It will be worth it just to watch you wipe all the puke off your back.
BL - OH MY.
So on the flight back. LL is struggling to take a dump. Not like BL hasn't experienced this before. He just runs his happy ass to the store for some ColonBlow 2000. Well the kid is little so he hooks LL with some prune juice. PRUNE JUICE?? First time fathers. So as they land, BL picks up LL off his lap and realizes that junior put a new meaning into the term soiled. Like all of LL's outfit and most of BL's pants. Try playing that off while getting off the plane.
Stewardess - Nice flight?
BL - Why yes. We had.....
Stewardess - AHHHH. Sir, you have shit all over your pants.
As many of you know, Lumpy isn't the most sanitary of people. He has told us of stories of crapping himself, crapping in his buddy's cat box at a party, crapping in his snow suit, and swimming through a river of crap in Thailand. So this is only karma coming back at him.
Last week the Lumpster took his family from the frozen tundra of the midwest to the beautiful sunny west coast. Him, Mrs. Lumpy and the little Lump took a couple flights out to Cali. On one such flight, Little Lump (LL) is giggling and waving at people as they board, then as they sit and then as they try to sleep. Big Lump (BL) has LL on his shoulder and he is just grinning and hollering. So the guy behind him taps him on the arm. Their conversation is below.
Guy - Hey buddy.
BL - Yes, pal?
Guy - Nice kid.
BL - Thanks, comrade.
Guy - You gots a wipe or something?
BL - Wipe?
Guy - You know, a baby wipe so I can wipe his puke off my pants.
BL - OH MY. I am so sorry. Let me get you a drink.
Guy - No problem. It will be worth it just to watch you wipe all the puke off your back.
BL - OH MY.
So on the flight back. LL is struggling to take a dump. Not like BL hasn't experienced this before. He just runs his happy ass to the store for some ColonBlow 2000. Well the kid is little so he hooks LL with some prune juice. PRUNE JUICE?? First time fathers. So as they land, BL picks up LL off his lap and realizes that junior put a new meaning into the term soiled. Like all of LL's outfit and most of BL's pants. Try playing that off while getting off the plane.
Stewardess - Nice flight?
BL - Why yes. We had.....
Stewardess - AHHHH. Sir, you have shit all over your pants.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Banged Up Lip
So little man number five had a cavity filled today. They numb his mouth and his lip. They told the wife not to let him eat for a few hours. Wifey learned that you must watch him at all times in the grocery store. Obviously he got a hold of some carrots and was going to town chewing them down. The only problem was he was also gnawing his lip like it was a piece of taffy. But he couldn't feel it and it was gushing blood. So now he looks like this. At least it wasn't on MY shift.
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