As you well know, the wife left me this weekend. She took two of the children to Chicago leaving me with double that. Let me give you a little timeline of how the events have transpired:
Friday - 0700 - 1400 Cleaning. I am off today and she decides she wants to come home to a clean home. So we are all cleaning all day. At least she made it nice for me because after two days alone with these kids there is ZERO chance the house is still clean.
1700 - I attempt to make a home version of the Thai meals we love. Let us just say that I am not going to put Bangkok Boulevard out of business any time soon. The meal was so spicy she was crying chile peppers.
2000 - The wifes friend and daughter show up to mooch a nites slumber at our house so they can leave at the unholy hour of 0500 tomorrow.
2200 - After nodding off on the couch, I drag myself upstairs for a good nights rest.
Saturday 0450 - I wake up to see them off. I am hoping with this move, I will encourage the wife to get up with me on a daily basis at 0300 to see me off to work. I doubt it will work.
0530 - I log a few minutes of computer time and head back to bed. A couple more hours of sleep will do me good.
0600 - The baby/monster decides the day will begin NOW. I try to change her mind but, no.
0700 - All four of the children entrusted to me are up and ready to go.
0905 - Sante Fe Car Wash for an oil change and a car wash.
0920 - Starbucks Double Chocolate Chip Frappicinno whilest we wait.
0955 - Chucky and all his Cheeses.
1100 - Head back home.
1130 - Lunch and the baby down for a nap.
1200 - Start on lawn work. Ten years invested in the older boy pays off. He cuts the whole yard while I edge and weed and stuff.
1330 - Nap time over.
1430 - Finish the yard work.
1500 - Mooch a power washer from the father-in-law.
1515 - Pay a visit to the Nosajs to hear stories of the flight that was and how much he hates his neighbor.
1700 - Dinner
1900 - Baths and get ready for bed.
2000 - Bed time for all the kids, even the baby.
2100 - First attack of the baby. I decide to take the laptop upstairs and just watch tv on mute for the night.
2130 - Turn in early. All kids are asleep.
2230 - Either the baby wakes up screaming or a herd of wild monkeys escaped from the zoo and launched themselves at me in my bedroom.
2240 - Back to sleep.
Sunday 0130 - That baby/monster wakes again. I hope the day isn't really starting right now.
0140 - Back to sleep.
0230 - Here we go again.
0240 - Back to sleep.
0500 - DING. Morning time. Guess we will make 0730 Mass after all.
0725 - Arrive for 0730 Mass.
0815 - Partake in free breakfast at the church welcoming a new priest.
0830 - Head downtown to Walmart.
0950 - $135. lighter, head home.
1030 - Nap time a little early today.
1130 - Lunch for everyone else.
1230 - Nap time for daddy.
1250 - Daddy time over. Baby awake.
1330 - Power washing time. Half an hour until their flight heads back home.
1355 - AW HELL NO. Wife is on standby and they didn't make the flight.
1430 - Still power washing and holding kids and breaking up fights.
1500 - Done with power washing today. Looking down from the top of the ladder made me think this is something I should do when there is someone here that can drive to the hospital.
1600 - Another flight they didn't make.
1700 - Another flight they didn't make.
1710 - Taking the kids for a walk through the neighborhood. I can't guarantee they all make it back.
To Be Continued.............
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Milestones
The oldest of my brood reached a couple of milestones this past week. First he played in a roller hockey tournament. That is not really the milestone. The milestone is the fact that they lost by a combined 24-0. Yuck? No not really. The yuck is that they have a thing called the mercy rule. Eight goal deficit equals game over. Three games, 24 goals, you do the math. The second game was better than the first because they actually registered a shot on goal. I think they were a little outmatched. But I think he, at least, got to use his new stick.
You remember the new stick he bought with advances from his grass cutting business. He finally started earning the money he has already received. He has now cut the grass 3/4 of a time. Not a full yard cutting you ask? Well the old lady bought an electric mower. You know where this is going right? Let's just say that I might need to up my electric tape supply. The cord just snaps when that blade hits it. SNAP.
I am sure his team will get better and he will gain skill with the electric mower. All in due time.
You remember the new stick he bought with advances from his grass cutting business. He finally started earning the money he has already received. He has now cut the grass 3/4 of a time. Not a full yard cutting you ask? Well the old lady bought an electric mower. You know where this is going right? Let's just say that I might need to up my electric tape supply. The cord just snaps when that blade hits it. SNAP.
I am sure his team will get better and he will gain skill with the electric mower. All in due time.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Home UnAlone
This weekend the wife is going out of town. She is taking a couple of the monsters but leaving me with 2/3 of the brood. Now she has gone away for a day before and left me all the kids. But that was before the latest non-sleeping beast was born. Now that Miss-sleep-not-at-all is here and doesn't choose to partake in slumber I am going to have a rough weekend. The plan to get the monster to sleep is easy. I will force her to stay up until the wee hours of the night and then she will be dead tired. That is fine. I am not really worried about getting her to sleep. It is the keeping her asleep that has me scared.
So now on top of having to provide 3 meals a day to each of the children, I have to worry about sleep deprivation. Isn't this why I got married? I thought when I said "I DO" that I was saying "I Don't" to cleaning and cooking and watching children. I obviously got something wickedly wrong. We can just hope that the weekend goes by quickly and that everyone survives it.
Since there has been scares lately with dog and cat food, we now hear that there are concerns with our food supplies coming from overseas especially China. Well put yourselves at ease, I am growing a garden again. I will sell you cheap vegetables this year. I only need to recoup my costs. I am not looking to make any money. Of course, I have spent several hundred dollars already and have harvested a total of 4 basil leaves and 2 cilantro leaves. If you are in the market for cheap herbs, let me know. I will part with basil leaves at a rate of $75.00 per leaf. The price of course will go down as I harvest more, and rise ever so slightly as I make more of the $100 visits to the garden store. Tell me again why I am not buying this stuff from Food Lion?
So now on top of having to provide 3 meals a day to each of the children, I have to worry about sleep deprivation. Isn't this why I got married? I thought when I said "I DO" that I was saying "I Don't" to cleaning and cooking and watching children. I obviously got something wickedly wrong. We can just hope that the weekend goes by quickly and that everyone survives it.
Since there has been scares lately with dog and cat food, we now hear that there are concerns with our food supplies coming from overseas especially China. Well put yourselves at ease, I am growing a garden again. I will sell you cheap vegetables this year. I only need to recoup my costs. I am not looking to make any money. Of course, I have spent several hundred dollars already and have harvested a total of 4 basil leaves and 2 cilantro leaves. If you are in the market for cheap herbs, let me know. I will part with basil leaves at a rate of $75.00 per leaf. The price of course will go down as I harvest more, and rise ever so slightly as I make more of the $100 visits to the garden store. Tell me again why I am not buying this stuff from Food Lion?
Monday, April 23, 2007
Nosaj - The Other Wright Brother
The backstory on this little clip is as follows. Nosaj always talks about his plane and his flying skills. So the cornfield hasn't started growing yet and the grass was cut and we were having a cook-out. We encouraged Nosaj to bring his expensive plane over for a little flight. He hasn't had the best success with landings so we expected a rough descent. We didn't think, however, that he would bring everything over except for the starter, have to run back home to retrieve that, and then would spend countless minutes trying to start it. Then we could have never guessed that the plane would not be able to take off by itself on the freshly cut grass. His suggestion was to cut a path real, real short in my backyard. My suggestion could not be printed here. Our compromise, after I had to bring out the John Deere for battery backup, is seen here along with the resulting 30 second flight. Enjoy.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Hockey Stick
My kid got an $80.00 stick yesterday. How does a ten year old get a stick that expensive? His parents buy it for him? Wrong. He bought it himself. Well that is not exactly right. He bought it on credit. Credit? Yes. This little entrepreneur has gotten himself a grass cutting gig at his great-grandmothers. Now how much grass could he have cut this year? None. Not one blade. He has chopped a little at my house on the riding mower but that won't result in ANY money changing hands. It is kinda like a downpayment on rent for him. He has taken his first couple months payments from the old lady in advance. I am going to have to see if I can try that at work.
So this news reminded me of a time when I cut grass for money. We had a crazy neighbor that lived a few houses down the road from us. They would barbecue in the front yard, leave their garden hose on for days and flood all the yards around them, have fights in the front yard, constantly lock themselves out of their house, AND they almost never cut their grass. We hung out and had cookouts in the yard next to them. So one day a friend and I decided we would beautify the neighborhood, and make a buck in the process. So we knock on the crazy lady's door and she stumbles her way to the porch. We offer to cut the grass for $10 a piece. She counters with $5. Well we have two guys and two mowers and our parents gas so $5 each isn't that bad. We proceed to attack this knee high monstrosity. There is junk under cover. Lawn ornaments, rakes, dead bodies. After what seemed like an hour, we were done. We went to collect our reward and receive not $5 each but $5 total. $2.50 for fighting ticks and snakes and spiders and sweating like a hog on spit. Unbelievable. Not one of my wisest business decisions.
This brings us back to the fact that the little mongrel has an $80 stick. Obviously as much as I hate it, I should have gotten him into soccer. NO EQUIPMENT. Just a ball. All these soccer moms and dads I see wasting their Saturday mornings outside on chilly spring days must have something right. NAH. Just because it is the number one sport in the world, that doesn't make it cool.
In other news, it has been weeks since any of my children have defecated in public so that is a good thing.
So this news reminded me of a time when I cut grass for money. We had a crazy neighbor that lived a few houses down the road from us. They would barbecue in the front yard, leave their garden hose on for days and flood all the yards around them, have fights in the front yard, constantly lock themselves out of their house, AND they almost never cut their grass. We hung out and had cookouts in the yard next to them. So one day a friend and I decided we would beautify the neighborhood, and make a buck in the process. So we knock on the crazy lady's door and she stumbles her way to the porch. We offer to cut the grass for $10 a piece. She counters with $5. Well we have two guys and two mowers and our parents gas so $5 each isn't that bad. We proceed to attack this knee high monstrosity. There is junk under cover. Lawn ornaments, rakes, dead bodies. After what seemed like an hour, we were done. We went to collect our reward and receive not $5 each but $5 total. $2.50 for fighting ticks and snakes and spiders and sweating like a hog on spit. Unbelievable. Not one of my wisest business decisions.
This brings us back to the fact that the little mongrel has an $80 stick. Obviously as much as I hate it, I should have gotten him into soccer. NO EQUIPMENT. Just a ball. All these soccer moms and dads I see wasting their Saturday mornings outside on chilly spring days must have something right. NAH. Just because it is the number one sport in the world, that doesn't make it cool.
In other news, it has been weeks since any of my children have defecated in public so that is a good thing.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Double Cooked Pork
Easter weekend is a wrap. Hours upon hours of church are over. Family dinners and visits are over. Most of the kids are asleep or close to it. The little man is still going strong though. He just won't stop.
The weekend started out nice. I sold my soul next weekend for a day off on Friday. I enjoyed the time off. We went out as a family and bought a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff to get the garden ready. Add this total to the several hundred I spent on a tiller and I better harvest golden turds out of the garden just to break even. Then we were off to church. Confession, masses, and more masses. I think we logged a good 4 or 5 hours on Friday.
Saturday was spent with my parents visiting. The wife and I managed to sneak out for a little date. Now when I was younger dates were cool. Movies, restaurants, hanging out. Now dates consist of Target, Costco and Sears. I was able to sneak away and snag 2 6 packs of Cinnabons for the morning. I got there just in time and got to watch all the heffers drooling over my purchased buns. The early bird gets the fat buns. Then I got to play Easter bunny and give out all the candy I would just be stealing back the next day. The oldest son is already hip to Santa and the Bunny but he plays it up for the little ones. He asked if he could help but the stuff in the baskets. I told him that he might know the secret but he can't get that far inside the cool club. That is a daddy and mommy only club.
I don't know what kind of house you grew up in but I got ripped off in mine. I got candy in my basket when I was young. Candy. In this house, candy is just the icing on the cake. There are videos, books, toys. Something is amiss. I remember two peeps, a couple M and Ms and some pink grass. Go out and play.
Today there was more church. We rolled into the 10:30 mass at 10:25. HAHAHAHA. Like I was gonna find a spot for 8. We didn't even get out of the ride. People standing outside the outside part. In 35 degree weather. Fools. We rolled home and hit the nooner. We arive at 11:30 as they are letting out the previous mass. We push and shove our way to some seats and the joint is filled up by 11:40. Crazy. I was boxed in like a sardine. Fortunately for them I didn't have gas. Unlike Nosaj who cruised over to my crib for dinner with a case of funk. Dinner went great. As long as you are talking about the eating part. The prep part, that is another story. I don't really like to ask people to bring stuff to my house to eat. I invite you, I will feed you and hope you go away soon after. But the senior woman in the wife's family just had to bring over a ham. Now Bloom had hams on sale for a nice price and I love me some Bloom shopping but she was insistent. She pushed and prodded and pointed out that she already had the ham and it only takes an hour to heat. Great. Bring the friggin ham. Well that hour starts from the time that it is thawed out. Don't come to my house with a frozen swine. FROZEN. Cold like an iceberg. Chilly-friggin-willy. So I have to run out to Bloom and grab a hog, switch out her porksicle and jam mine in the oven. Of course once she left, I had to finish cooking hers so I could freeze the cooked meat. I guess I will have ham and eggs for months now.
At least there is another month and a half before the next holiday.
The weekend started out nice. I sold my soul next weekend for a day off on Friday. I enjoyed the time off. We went out as a family and bought a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff to get the garden ready. Add this total to the several hundred I spent on a tiller and I better harvest golden turds out of the garden just to break even. Then we were off to church. Confession, masses, and more masses. I think we logged a good 4 or 5 hours on Friday.
Saturday was spent with my parents visiting. The wife and I managed to sneak out for a little date. Now when I was younger dates were cool. Movies, restaurants, hanging out. Now dates consist of Target, Costco and Sears. I was able to sneak away and snag 2 6 packs of Cinnabons for the morning. I got there just in time and got to watch all the heffers drooling over my purchased buns. The early bird gets the fat buns. Then I got to play Easter bunny and give out all the candy I would just be stealing back the next day. The oldest son is already hip to Santa and the Bunny but he plays it up for the little ones. He asked if he could help but the stuff in the baskets. I told him that he might know the secret but he can't get that far inside the cool club. That is a daddy and mommy only club.
I don't know what kind of house you grew up in but I got ripped off in mine. I got candy in my basket when I was young. Candy. In this house, candy is just the icing on the cake. There are videos, books, toys. Something is amiss. I remember two peeps, a couple M and Ms and some pink grass. Go out and play.
Today there was more church. We rolled into the 10:30 mass at 10:25. HAHAHAHA. Like I was gonna find a spot for 8. We didn't even get out of the ride. People standing outside the outside part. In 35 degree weather. Fools. We rolled home and hit the nooner. We arive at 11:30 as they are letting out the previous mass. We push and shove our way to some seats and the joint is filled up by 11:40. Crazy. I was boxed in like a sardine. Fortunately for them I didn't have gas. Unlike Nosaj who cruised over to my crib for dinner with a case of funk. Dinner went great. As long as you are talking about the eating part. The prep part, that is another story. I don't really like to ask people to bring stuff to my house to eat. I invite you, I will feed you and hope you go away soon after. But the senior woman in the wife's family just had to bring over a ham. Now Bloom had hams on sale for a nice price and I love me some Bloom shopping but she was insistent. She pushed and prodded and pointed out that she already had the ham and it only takes an hour to heat. Great. Bring the friggin ham. Well that hour starts from the time that it is thawed out. Don't come to my house with a frozen swine. FROZEN. Cold like an iceberg. Chilly-friggin-willy. So I have to run out to Bloom and grab a hog, switch out her porksicle and jam mine in the oven. Of course once she left, I had to finish cooking hers so I could freeze the cooked meat. I guess I will have ham and eggs for months now.
At least there is another month and a half before the next holiday.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Nature Calls
The other day I was playing a game with my five year old. I like to call this game "Tire the little banshee out so he will go to sleep at night." The rules are varied. The only necessity is that he gets tired and sleeps nice. In turn, the theory is that I might sleep nice too. The only problem is the wife and dozen other kids that try to prevent me from sleeping nice.
So on this particular night, I was chasing him around his great grandmothers house. She lives in one of the age priviledged neighborhoods. I like the sound of that 'age priviledged'. It also keeps track of the old people so that when they finally pass that law that lets us shoot em when they hit like 75 or so, we will know where to find them all.
This one time I chase him, he runs around the corner of the house. In these neighborhoods, all the houses are CLOSE. So he sneaks around the corner. I am in hot pursuit with the baby in tow. I round the corner and BAM. Here is the little man dropping a deuce in the yard. I would like to say he was under cover of darkness or behind a bush, but no. Right in the middle of the community back yard and a hot pile of human excrement. Nice.
It must be something with the old lady's house. I recall another story of a guy, we will call him Jiggy once had a similar experience at her previous residence. It was a Christmas gathering and there was many family members in attendance. The drawback of the old house was there was only a single solitary toilet. Well I (I mean whomever) must have eaten something unagreeable and ran quietly for the stall. BATH TIME. OH NO. The wife had already started the bathing process on the kids. Well my bowels weren't waiting for the train to stop. I snuck outside and ran for the back yard. Well this was an older established neighborhood that provided a little more 'shelter'. I snagged some wrapping paper from the trashcan on the way back and let it rip in the middle of the yard. It was dark and I could at least see the festivities ongoing through the sliding glass door. So it was like I was there but not there. It was OK since granny is old and she doesn't do yardwork but I feel bad for that lawn boy. He must have been thinking that there was a big, ass dog or a bear nearby.
So on this particular night, I was chasing him around his great grandmothers house. She lives in one of the age priviledged neighborhoods. I like the sound of that 'age priviledged'. It also keeps track of the old people so that when they finally pass that law that lets us shoot em when they hit like 75 or so, we will know where to find them all.
This one time I chase him, he runs around the corner of the house. In these neighborhoods, all the houses are CLOSE. So he sneaks around the corner. I am in hot pursuit with the baby in tow. I round the corner and BAM. Here is the little man dropping a deuce in the yard. I would like to say he was under cover of darkness or behind a bush, but no. Right in the middle of the community back yard and a hot pile of human excrement. Nice.
It must be something with the old lady's house. I recall another story of a guy, we will call him Jiggy once had a similar experience at her previous residence. It was a Christmas gathering and there was many family members in attendance. The drawback of the old house was there was only a single solitary toilet. Well I (I mean whomever) must have eaten something unagreeable and ran quietly for the stall. BATH TIME. OH NO. The wife had already started the bathing process on the kids. Well my bowels weren't waiting for the train to stop. I snuck outside and ran for the back yard. Well this was an older established neighborhood that provided a little more 'shelter'. I snagged some wrapping paper from the trashcan on the way back and let it rip in the middle of the yard. It was dark and I could at least see the festivities ongoing through the sliding glass door. So it was like I was there but not there. It was OK since granny is old and she doesn't do yardwork but I feel bad for that lawn boy. He must have been thinking that there was a big, ass dog or a bear nearby.
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