Happy 2010

Damn I am lazy. I guess the whole having a job and a ton of kids and all the snow has finally caught up with me. I haven't posted since December so I will have to do some remembering of what has gone on. If you weren't so afraid of the Internet, you would be on Facebook and you could see all the stuff that has been going on. That would definitely make my life easier. Thanks for nothing.


Here are some pictures. The first one is making gingerbread houses for Christmas. You have to sample the product.

Yes the beast is still alive. At least she was back in December. OK. She is still alive. More than I can say for the opossum she got last night. I was putting her in the dog run for bed and she bolted loose from me, darn near climbed the tree and pulled the opossum down. She shook it around and growled at it and it laid there motionless. Then I had to get a shovel and try to get it over the fence. I was scared shitless since I was sure it was still alive and 'playing opussom'. I get it up in the air, about eye level, and I swear it moves, so I panic and throw it but I don't clear the fence. I have to go through this whole thing again and this time I clear the fence. Later I hear the dog barking, even though Huskies Don't Bark. Retarded dog. I put on the spotlight and the opossum is still there. I will check later today. But getting back to the picture, yes the dog is still alive.




This is another picture of the kids making gingerbread houses. Guess how much of that candy got on the house? I bet just as much as got in their bellies and on the floor. Good thing the dog is alive and likes to eat off the floor.

I will have some more posts soon. I promise.

Hockey practice

I am suffering through hockey practice. Here is a shot of the little man skating around. Now that I am pretty sure this works I can update you a little. We had thanksgiving at my sisters house. She felt comfortable enough to say I look like Fat Elvis. So I did what anyone else would do. I got a haircut. No more Elvis hair. Still fat though. Her hubby fried a turkey and grilled shrimp AND had plenty of beer. He actually had Costco beer and it was surprisingly good. And for the first time in a few years I had leftover turkey to take home. Like I needed more food. The night before turkey day we took the boys to see the Caps play. Pictures are below.


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The baby with her bum leg.


Our view of the Caps bench.



This is the fried bird.


Little man at game.

iPhone

I downloaded a blogging app for my iPhone. Maybe if this works, I might blog more than once a month.

Pretty as a Princess

Something is obviously wrong at the Nosaj house. Personally, I think the man robbed a bank. I have seen him twice in the last month. Let me tell you what I have noticed. First, he brings beer to my house. That in itself is a shocker. But the beer was actually good beer. Then he goes out and buys his old lady a new $50k SUV just so she has something new for someone to steal. After this I am thinking maybe Nosaj has learned about saving money and is finally spending some of it.

So yesterday I show up at a Princess Party for his kid. This isn't just a little princess dress-up, get-together. Nosaj rented the REAL Cinderella. Well time hasn't been too kind to old Rella but she entertained the kids just fine. AND he had good beer AND food at his party.

Since no one I know has died and left him money and he hasn't gotten a different job, I can only assume he is selling crack. I will post pictures of Cinderella when Nosaj gets them to me.

Fantasy Football

I have always heard that people play fantasy football because they can't play real football. This is true for the most part, especially in my league. The only guy that is halfway athletic, besides me of course, always ends up ill, or crippled. However, I learned this weekend that I can do both. Not only did I continue to beat the snot out of the chumps in both of my fantasy football leagues, but I threw down a little ass-whomping on Nosaj on the gridiron.



First things first. My fantasy team is not really that good. It just happens that each week I play a team they have their worst performance of the season. Which is great for me. I have scored so few points, yet I am in first place and I get to talk crap all day long at work. This burns up the guys even more. It would be bad enough if I had a great team and was beating them like they stole something. But I have a bad team that just sneaks up on them and stomps a mudhole in their ass each week.



This weekend we had a birthday party for one of my spawn. Of course pretty much every weekend involves some kind of birthday party when you have enough kids. So on this particular weekend, the crowd was lighter than usual. This enabled me to partake in some football. I got to run around and catch some passes. The women said they had never seen me run so fast. My oldest son said I was moving faster than he had ever seen me. Then the next day saw a fat rescue guy on tv and said that he reminded him of me running. Not the worst part though. The next day I could barely move. I pulled a groin, or two, or three. I don't know. Alls I know is some of the moves I was doing on the field, obviously took a toll on this forty-year old body. Now I know why I play cornhole, much less movement.

Cornhole Tournament

Hello. You thought I snuck back to Maine, didn't you. I would have loved to but I have just been busy. Not too busy to tell you about the cornhole tournament this past weekened.

Now I know it is a dumb name for a game and all kinds of people make fun of it when they hear it. I used to make fun of Nosaj when he talked about it. But now, it is the greatest game in the world.

I am not going to say I am the best. That would be rude. I will just let you stare at the prize money and the trophy and let that do all the talking. Me and Nosaj went out to Front Royal to gauge our skillset. I think we did alright. They vowed never to let us come back and play, mentioned something about being too good. The day wasn't a total success though. Nosaj left the lights on in the car and we had to get a jump to get back home. Oh and Captain Redneck amongst the redneck crowd thought he was Mike Tyson and wanted to fight everyone.

We also learned a cool new thing. When you throw a quatro out there, all four in the hole, they let you sign the board. So now these dudes have a bunch of boards with mine and Nosaj's names all over. Sweet.

So if you think you are ready and want to step up. You aren't.

More Maine

Day 6 - Boothbay Harbor



We were up for some more walking so we hit Boothbay Harbor. It is a nice fishing town. Lots of boats on the water, and several cruises from here to little islands and whale watching. We skipped all that and shopped. When I say we shopped, I mean I strolled the baby around while the rest of them spent my money. And every once in a while I got a cell signal good enough to make a call. One time I found a rocking chair in front of a store. I sat down and listened to one old man tell another about his place in Florida and how most people think the whole state is flat. But he lives 75 feet above sea level and yadda, yadda, yadda. So the other old guy leaves and I strike up a conversation with the old timer. He gives me the same story and I amused because I really have nothing else to do. Then he goes all crazy on me. Normally I don't talk to people. This is why. He tells me that he wants to open his own business when he gets back. Cool, I say. Whatcha gonna do? Sell t-shirts? Fix computers? He tells me he can heal people by putting his hands on them. OK. Time to stroll the baby around. We had a nice lunch and did some sightseeing. Later after we got home, I took some of the kids fishing. They loved it. We caught one fish. Better than no fish, which is what I usually manage.








Day 7 - Daramiscotta



Daramiscotta is the closest town/village to our house. This is where we go to the grocery store. There is even a McDonalds, although we never went there. So today we shopped in this little burg. See, the grandmother bought sweatshirts for some of the kids in touristy Boothbay. Some of the kids chose to be picky and did not get a sweatshirt. But this would only push the grandmother to make it her goal that all kids everywhere get a sweatshirt before the trip is over. However, this town is not so touristy and has less options. No sweatshirts today. I did manage to get some oysters there. I was told that the Glidden Point or Daramiscotta oysters are ranked as some of the best in the world. With my fine palette, I decided they tasted like oysters. But I have now had Glidden Point oysters. My seven year old also tried one. She spit it out.





Day 8 - Nothing



We relaxed after a couple of tiring walking days. We played a little poker outside on the deck and went fishing. Never left the island. Ate some lobster and bed early.


Day 9 - Rockland


Now if you thought I was trying to kill the old lady in the boat, you will really think it after today. We went to Rockland, the lobster capital of the world. We shopped in a bunch of stores (still no shirts), ate lunch and visited the Rockland Breakwater Lighthouse. We didn't really have a plan for today, just headed up Rt 1. So when we found out that we were real close to a lighthouse, we decided to go check it out. Upon arrival, we see a sign. Not recommended for young children and elderly. Sweet. I have both. The lighthouse is at the end of 3/4 mile of big stone blocks placed in the water. They are huge and are separated with big cracks or crevices or pits. You see where this is going don't you? On the way out there my little man falls in one and cuts his leg all up, so I end up making a good bit of the walk carrying him. Then on the way back, the old lady falls and cuts up her arm and busts her toe. Fortunately, I did not have to carry her back. I don't think she will want to vacation with us any more. On the way home, we stopped at the 'best ice cream shop in Maine. You wouldn't expect me to take my kids to the SECOND best ice cream shop, would you?






Day 10 - Statue of Liberty


We got up early and headed out of Maine. Keep in mind, we left at 7:30 am. About a half hour into our trip, the grandmother informs us that she wants to stop somewhere in Maine and get the sweatshirts. I plan on having the state in my rear view mirror by 9:30. No stores will be open that early. I nod my head and put the pedal down.
We drive. Eat lunch. Drive. Drive. Drive. Then we get to New York City and sit in traffic for an hour. Drive. Visit the Statue of Liberty. No time for the ferry on this trip. We checked her out from Jersey and were back on the road. Still no shirts. We finally get to our hotel, just south of Camden. Camden I recall was mentioned in this article in USA Today as the most dangerous city in America. Sweet.





Day 11 - Philly


After a night's sleep right next to the most dangerous city in America, we head to Philly, the city of Brotherly Love. We met some friends there and they showed us around a bit. We saw the Liberty Bell. You can see my son is so thrilled. We ate lunch, cheesesteaks of course. We saw Betsy Ross house, Ben Franklin stuff and most importantly, THE REST OF THE KIDS GOT SWEATSHIRTS. YES. Then the drive home and it is over.

Maine

I know I have been incredibly lazy. But I have a few minutes so I will try to catch you up on the vacation. The last month or so will have to wait. I will mention that I beat the piss out of Nosaj in his first annual Cornhole and Cards event. I took home the trophy and stole the glory. More on that later.

We decided last minute to come back to Maine. Now some of you loyal readers will remember my last trip here was five or so years ago and was our best vacation ever. AND we stayed in a camper. So now we are back and staying in an actual home. It has to be the best vacation ever, right? We shall see. Here is what we have so far.

Day one. We wake up and decide instead of leaving on Friday morning in the rain caused by Tropical Storm Danny that we will leave today. In like six hours. We call the wife's grandmother (Nanny from here on out) and get the ball rolling. She was with us for the last trip and she wanted to come back for a repeat. We pack and pack and pack and head out on the highway. Thursday 2pm we are on the road. OK. We have to stop to get cashiers checks and sodas for the road at Costco. Back on the road. We make it all the way into Maryland and have to take a pee break. Half an hour later and we are back on the road again. We stop in Jersey for dinner. Popeyes and Burger King. An hour later we are back on the road.

If your remember how much I was in love with Onstar last trip. I am equally in love with EZPass on this trip. No cash, no slowing down, just little green light saying 'Thank you EZPass'. The only downside to day one is Connecticut road construction. We got held up for an hour late on Thursday night and finally got to the hotel at close to midnite. I slept well.

Day 2 - Boston.

We drove 2 hours to Boston and found the Boston Common. We drove straight into the parking garage and got kicked out because our 12-passenger van was too tall. So then I drive in circles for 40 minutes looking for a parking spot. I finally find one and get out of the drivers seat so my wife can parallel park. I suck. We then eat lunch and check out the ducklings, the island, the homeless people and head over to the Old North Church.

Then we get lost. We keep ending up in tunnels and on the wrong side of town. An hour later we are back in the right area. Only problem is they are shutting down most of the streets for a St. Anthonys fair. Damn streets weren't that wide to begin with. Then we see a Coast Guard station. I tell the wife to go over there and act like the retards we are and see if he can point us in the direction of parking. He says that if we have military ID we can park there for free. Nanny does. I knew there was a reason we brought her. We park free. Have awesome access to bathrooms. Get directions to Old North Church on foot and all kinds of other useful information. Good idea on my part.

Get back in the car and head over to see U.S.S. Constitution. It is closed and we can't get on it and throw tea into the harbor like the wife wanted to. I have failed for the first time. We head north in the rain and eat at a mall in north Mass. We get a hotel in Portland and are sacked out by eleven. I sleep super nice.

Day three - Maine.

We were going to hit a brewery in Portland but missed it. So we show up to the house a little early. The house is huge and awesome and cool. Built by Amish and in the woods away from people on a little island near Bristol. The owners are nice and on the island too. I get lobsters for dinner and Portland beer too. Sleeping soundly again.

Day four. Church. I find a Catholic church nearby. It also happens to be connected to the oldest Catholic church in New England. Two birds, one stone. I am awesome again. You know what else I did today? Nothing. Just hung out around the house, drove around the island, took a long walk with the kids and wife. Just relaxed.

Day five. Lighthouse and Boat.

I have been on a boat a few times in my life. Mostly tubing on a lake. I am fine when the boat is moving but not when it stops. So the house owners want to take us for a ride around the island on their boat. The kids are all excited. I am disgusted at the thought of puking on their boat. We drive a half an hour and spend the day at the Pemaquid Point lighthouse. Want to know what it looks like? Look at a Maine quarter. BAM. I was there.

We get back to the house and the owners call for the boat ride. I cheated and took some Dramamine. It was actually a good trip. No puking and learned lots of interesting information. Like the oysters voted number one by most critics are from the river right by our house. Guess what I am having for dinner tomorrow? And the funny part is when the owner lady starts yelling at her husband for slowing the boat down too fast. She hollers 'You made her fall' I look back and don't see Nanny. I only can assume she is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But no, she is on the floor of the boat. I helped her up and we all had a good laugh. Lobsters from the island co-op and I am stuffed to the rim.

Day 6 - tomorrow. Stay tuned. Hear are some pics below.

Wormies

I would love to talk about the great weekend I had. Friends came down from Philly for a nice visit. We cooked out and let the kids play. But I have to talk about the health of my dog.

I know I was able to get rid of the beast for a few weeks but then she came back. Ever since, she has been a model citizen. Every once in a while she escapes her comfortable home or the nice $1500 dog pen in the back yard. For the most part, she just hangs with the family.

So I was shocked today when the wife called me at work to tell me my beautiful doggy shit all over the kitchen floor. I told her that she must be sick since she never does that. Then she shit on the family room floor and the wife hung up on me. Being the good wife, she scooped some of the runny poo up and took it to the vet. An hour later we learn that she has worms.

How, oh how, could a dog that spends 99% of the time on my floor contract worms? I assumed it was from the times she digs under the fence and escapes to romp through the neighborhood. Or the occasion when she bolts past the kids and runs out the front door to roam the streets. But then the wife reminded me that the other day, she rescued two strays that were running loose in the street and kept them in my luxurious dog pen while waiting on animal control.

The wife does a good samaritan act and I get stuck with a $60 vet bill and liquid shit from my mutt. Awesome. That is why I beep at dogs in the road and never, ever, ever, even think of stopping to pick them up. Just shows you what being nice will get you.

Skinny to Fat

The father in law wants me to post the following pictures to show you how Jiggy has gone from skin and bones to jumbo large. I should instead show you how I have gone from having cash to poor as dirt since marrying into his family.
The second picture is probably from 1991-92 and the first is my current level of beef.