Back from the Beach

So another year at the beach is in the books. We stayed at the same the house for the third year. I asked the FatherInLaw what time it was on the first day down there. He told me there are only two times at the beach. Day time when the sun is up. Night time when the sun is down. It seemed to make sense to me. Until I saw this guy who obviously was working on a different time.



SPEEDO TIME.



There was plenty going on at the beach. I will have to break this down into a couple different posts. But I have to get this out there first. We had asked the Hawkman and his family to roll with us but they declined. I think they got booted from the invite list. Hawkman and family are great, but my new best friend and his family came this year instead. Mr. Beer Guy is a nice enough fellow. He just takes vacation to the next level. He came equipped with multiple kegs of beer. Time to step up Mr. Hawkman.





And every year we pass Gravedigger the monster truck. I always want to stop but we are usually in a caravan of family. This year we left early by ourselves and we visited the monster truck land.

Tennis and Bags

So you saw my melons. Awesome right? Here is what has been happening on the home front. I haven't heard from the Hawkman lately so his old lady must have found out he spent $75 on Washington Redskins remote control. (It really wasn't anywhere near that much, I just want to add fuel to the fire.)

We had our Fantasy Football draft on Tuesday. I am sure I managed to pick a dozen or so players that will be injured this year. I tried to limit the amount of Skins I picked so at least they won't get hurt. And it is not true that only homos and geeks play fantasy football. Sandwich Artist is by no means a geek. Oh wait, that means.... Forget I said anything.

I played tennis last week with Nosaj. I was rusty if rusty means fat and out of shape. He took the first set and then started talking smack. There was so much gibberish coming out his pie hole, you would think Nadal just took me out. So I beat him like China man only winning a silver medal. I took the next two sets and there wasn't much noise coming from his yap then.

Then last weekend we played cards at the Nosaj crib. His old lady was out of town with some guy at some seminar. So he had a poker game. He insisted on a Holdem tournament. Of course I objected and then beat them all down. I took first and then we played regular poker until 2:30 am. Then, of course, him and his Detroit buddy started talking smack about Bags. So we set up the spotlights and played Bags until almost four in the morning. I smacked some ass in that too.

Which brings me to the most troubling part of my story tonight. My father came over this weekend and we played a little Bags. He had never played but he is pretty good at horseshoes. So he played my son for a little while and beat him. Then he started getting cocky. I proceeded to beat him down twice. Then latter after he trounced my son again, he somehow got a win from me. You would have thought he won the synchronized diving award or something, the way he was dancing around and so full of himself. I think he has turned senile. Come to think of it, I am not even sure he won the game.

Melons

Here is some stuff the kids and I pulled from the garden today. I thought the watermelons would eventually turn light green with stripes. They never did. I guess I bought a different kind of seed. The other pics are cherry tomatoes, habaneros and okra.
I am an awesome gardener.

Are you ready for some........

Look what came in the mail today.




Now while you all are watching your standard definition tv with your weak plain remote, I will be watching Sunday Ticket with my Redskins remote control. I know the Hawkman ordered one too. So he will also be enjoying the privilege of superiority. Steeler Fan Boy was on the verge of getting the yellow and black of his home team but the ordering process confused him. Alas he will be watching with a Plain Jane remote. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Old School

I need to take you back a little bit. Back before I had 100 kids, I had 100 roommates. There was always some randoms moving in and out of my townhouse. Some paid rent, some didn't. One particular one has hit the big time now. Here is a video of a lady you all know. When they get to her significant other, that is my old roommate.

A month

I know, I know. It has been weeks since I last updated all of you. Would you believe I have been a little busy? Let me try to update you on what I can remember from the last month.

First of all, some of you know, some of you don’t, but I am sure you all suspected that the wife is pregnant again. I guess six little demons was not enough. So come December we will have number seven. Donations are always being accepted.

I am being evicted from my cushy commute and being thrown back into the big city. One good thing is I will be carpooling with the Ebone again. One huge bad thing is I won’t be sleeping in until 6am every day. I like Ebone and all, but damn, sleeping late is soooooo nice.

The garden is doing marvelously this year. The kids pulled more cucumbers yesterday than we got all last year. And the tomatoes are growing like crazy now too. We have corn, beans, hot peppers, onions, potatoes, cabbage, lettuce, okra, carrots and watermelons all doing nicely. I just can’t get green peppers to grow to save my life. Oh and friggin cilantro won’t do crap for me either. I planted pumpkins a week or so ago which I heard is still late but about a month earlier than I planted them last year. So instead of small jack-o-lanterns we might have medium jacks this year.

Bags or cornhole has been going well. On the Fourth of July I put the super beat down on every one. But then the other day Nosaj came over to my crib and put the beat down on me. Now there is a Beach Week challenge. Nosaj is bringing some random family with him to the beach this year. The dude, we will call him Corey, is going to be Nosaj’s teammate and I will have the father-in-law weighing down my team. I won’t say the father-in-law is holding me down but my back usually hurts after the game from carrying his ass.

The mutt is surprisingly still alive. She had been good for a while. She got out on the Fourth of July night. It was my fault. I was a little tipsy when I took her out and she managed to escape. I was tired so she spent the night running around the neighborhood. I woke up at 4am and let her back in. Then she went almost a week without escaping. Until Sunday morning when I had to track her down before church. She was just hanging with my worthless neighbor who couldn’t seem to be bothered enough to grab her. I chased her in my car to the neighborhood pool and then she chased my car back home. Oh how it would have been understandable if I somehow just clipped her with my bumper. But no. Then yesterday she bolted again. Unfortunately she keeps coming back.

I switched over to satellite tv from cable. Comcast kept screwing me so I had to finally cut them loose. I did keep their Internet service since I don’t want to change my email address AND they matched the Verizon DSL price. So now if you need to see an out of market football game, come on over. For just a nominal fee, I am sure I can hook you up.

I can’t really remember anything amazingly stupid that the kids have done. I get the every day color yourself with markers. Or the constant messy rooms. The most annoying thing recently is the fact that the youngest can open up the fridge by herself. She is ALWAYS getting in there and just helping herself to snacks. Her big thing is yogurt. It is like her pacifier. She falls down she starts hollering Yobaby. She wakes up in the morning and the first thing she wants is Yobaby. She craps bricks from all the dairy. I told the wife to stop buying the yogurt so she would stay out of the damn fridge.

Lastly, they opened up the neighborhood pool I will never be swimming in. And we are on the waiting list to join some other pool too. Although, I don’t plan on ever swimming in that pool either. I just humor the old lady by letting her put our name on the waiting list. She has taken the kids there three times this year and TWICE some other kid has puked in the pool and they had to shut down for like an hour to clean. PUKE. You know what? I will just stick with the in-laws pool. Sure I have to put up them and there is always the chance that Nosaj will be there too, but the pluses outweigh the minuses. Oh I forgot. Public pools equal horrible. I just established that. Now imagine me at a public lake. EWWW. We went for a picnic last week at the local state park. I don’t know if I have ever enjoyed a shower more than I did when that trip was over. It is like a public pool with a side order of boat fuel and animal waste and fish waste. I think I need another shower.

Hawkman Bday

Happy Birthday to the Hawkman. His birthday is today, Sunday. Since it is already almost 11pm, most of you will read this tomorrow. Then he will be just another old man, balding, getting rounder in the middle, and still wondering where most of his life has gone. But he did get a new Webkinz for his big day so life isn't all bad.

We called the Hawkman on his big day and sang him Happy Birthday. It wasn't as happy for him as it was for us since we were eating crabs and drinking countless Coronas. But such is life when you are pushing 45 or whatever he claims he is now.

Here are some pics of our big Hawkman Crabfest celebration. Thanks for having your birthday on a weekend man. We appreciate it.

The broken chair is from Nosaj trying to put his fat ass into it. I don't want to spread tales but this is the second time he has broken a chair at the inlaws. Time for some Jennie Craig lardo.

Hail, Hail the Hail

Today I got caught in the worst hail storm ever. There was golf ball size hail just pounding my little Civic. It looked like I was driving on ice because the damn road was covered with hail. It sounded as if someone was just pegging me over and over with rocks. I kept thinking the windshield was going to break. I saw another car that looked like it did have a broken windshield. It was brutal. Here are some pics.

Funny Reporter

There is some bad language in this, but the noise this dude makes when a bug flies in his mouth is priceless.


Bug in Mouth Brings Out the Street in Reporter - Watch more free videos

Oh that wacky game of golf...

I have some golf updates from the big Round for the Hounds tournament that happened this weekend. But first, a puppy update. She ran away yesterday afternoon. I locked all the doors and pulled down the blinds but she still came back again. Lucky me. I am sure she was gone long enough to bite several people and get me sued. This is after we left her unattended for an hour yesterday.

I took the kids to the inlaws pool. I thought I might catch a couple golfers going by the house but I did not. It was 100 degrees outside so I figured I would give the mutt a chance to stay inside and be cool while we weren't home. We came home to dog crap and a ripped up toy as well as claw marks on the door. Today, if we go out, she will be crispy pup on the back porch.

Back to the golf tournament. Nosaj didn't have a great weekend. I could tell it was going to be bad on Friday when me and this guy that had never played Bags whooped Nosaj's ass. The team of him and my oldest kid that was throwing beatdowns the last time we played, was getting it handed to them. So, obviously, this carried over to the golf course.

It was a Captain's Choice tourney. The only thing Nosaj had to come up with all day was three of his own drives. So it comes down to the last two holes and they only need one more Nosaj drive. He dribbles the drive off of 17 about 5 feet. And then he does the same thing on 18 so they have to play that one. Rumor has it, and it is only a rumor, they were calling him Mr Triple Bogey during the awards ceremony and raffle.

To make matters worse, he had to pay $250 on Friday to fix his AC. I am sure my moms and pops would pay $500 to fix theirs since they have been without the cooling comforts of conditioned air since Wednesday. The guy should be out on Monday. I guess the 100 degree golf day wasn't much different than sitting on the couch at the old man's house.

Update #1 - I talked to Nosaj and supposedly his team was out to get him and put all the pressure on him to use his drives on the last two holes. The temps were too hot and the wind wasn't blowing right and some other stuff prevented him from performing well. It was all a set up.


Update #2 - I spoke to his team. They weren't calling him Mr Triple Bogey. They were calling him Mr. Three off the Tee. And supposedly they tried all day to come up with a drive of his they could use but were not able to get any. Finally they told him to use a wedge just to get something in play but he refused. To be continued......