Super Jiggy E

Happy 2010

2010-02-16T07:34:00.000-05:00

Damn I am lazy. I guess the whole having a job and a ton of kids and all the snow has finally caught up with me. I haven't posted since December so I will have to do some remembering of what has gone on. If you weren't so afraid of the Internet, you would be on Facebook and you could see all the stuff that has been going on. That would definitely make my life easier. Thanks for nothing.

Here are some pictures. The first one is making gingerbread houses for Christmas. You have to sample the product.

Yes the beast is still alive. At least she was back in December. OK. She is still alive. More than I can say for the opossum she got last night. I was putting her in the dog run for bed and she bolted loose from me, darn near climbed the tree and pulled the opossum down. She shook it around and growled at it and it laid there motionless. Then I had to get a shovel and try to get it over the fence. I was scared shitless since I was sure it was still alive and 'playing opussom'. I get it up in the air, about eye level, and I swear it moves, so I panic and throw it but I don't clear the fence. I have to go through this whole thing again and this time I clear the fence. Later I hear the dog barking, even though Huskies Don't Bark. Retarded dog. I put on the spotlight and the opossum is still there. I will check later today. But getting back to the picture, yes the dog is still alive.

This is another picture of the kids making gingerbread houses. Guess how much of that candy got on the house? I bet just as much as got in their bellies and on the floor. Good thing the dog is alive and likes to eat off the floor.

I will have some more posts soon. I promise.

Hockey practice

2009-12-15T20:17:00.001-05:00

I am suffering through hockey practice. Here is a shot of the little man skating around. Now that I am pretty sure this works I can update you a little. We had thanksgiving at my sisters house. She felt comfortable enough to say I look like Fat Elvis. So I did what anyone else would do. I got a haircut. No more Elvis hair. Still fat though. Her hubby fried a turkey and grilled shrimp AND had plenty of beer. He actually had Costco beer and it was surprisingly good. And for the first time in a few years I had leftover turkey to take home. Like I needed more food. The night before turkey day we took the boys to see the Caps play. Pictures are below.

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The baby with her bum leg.

Our view of the Caps bench.

This is the fried bird.

Little man at game.

iPhone

2009-12-13T10:57:00.001-05:00

I downloaded a blogging app for my iPhone. Maybe if this works, I might blog more than once a month.

Pretty as a Princess

2009-11-16T14:05:00.003-05:00

Something is obviously wrong at the Nosaj house. Personally, I think the man robbed a bank. I have seen him twice in the last month. Let me tell you what I have noticed. First, he brings beer to my house. That in itself is a shocker. But the beer was actually good beer. Then he goes out and buys his old lady a new $50k SUV just so she has something new for someone to steal. After this I am thinking maybe Nosaj has learned about saving money and is finally spending some of it.

So yesterday I show up at a Princess Party for his kid. This isn't just a little princess dress-up, get-together. Nosaj rented the REAL Cinderella. Well time hasn't been too kind to old Rella but she entertained the kids just fine. AND he had good beer AND food at his party.

Since no one I know has died and left him money and he hasn't gotten a different job, I can only assume he is selling crack. I will post pictures of Cinderella when Nosaj gets them to me.

Fantasy Football

2009-11-02T09:21:00.002-05:00

I have always heard that people play fantasy football because they can't play real football. This is true for the most part, especially in my league. The only guy that is halfway athletic, besides me of course, always ends up ill, or crippled. However, I learned this weekend that I can do both. Not only did I continue to beat the snot out of the chumps in both of my fantasy football leagues, but I threw down a little ass-whomping on Nosaj on the gridiron.

First things first. My fantasy team is not really that good. It just happens that each week I play a team they have their worst performance of the season. Which is great for me. I have scored so few points, yet I am in first place and I get to talk crap all day long at work. This burns up the guys even more. It would be bad enough if I had a great team and was beating them like they stole something. But I have a bad team that just sneaks up on them and stomps a mudhole in their ass each week.

This weekend we had a birthday party for one of my spawn. Of course pretty much every weekend involves some kind of birthday party when you have enough kids. So on this particular weekend, the crowd was lighter than usual. This enabled me to partake in some football. I got to run around and catch some passes. The women said they had never seen me run so fast. My oldest son said I was moving faster than he had ever seen me. Then the next day saw a fat rescue guy on tv and said that he reminded him of me running. Not the worst part though. The next day I could barely move. I pulled a groin, or two, or three. I don't know. Alls I know is some of the moves I was doing on the field, obviously took a toll on this forty-year old body. Now I know why I play cornhole, much less movement.

Cornhole Tournament

2009-10-05T08:05:00.004-04:00

Hello. You thought I snuck back to Maine, didn't you. I would have loved to but I have just been busy. Not too busy to tell you about the cornhole tournament this past weekened.

Now I know it is a dumb name for a game and all kinds of people make fun of it when they hear it. I used to make fun of Nosaj when he talked about it. But now, it is the greatest game in the world.

I am not going to say I am the best. That would be rude. I will just let you stare at the prize money and the trophy and let that do all the talking. Me and Nosaj went out to Front Royal to gauge our skillset. I think we did alright. They vowed never to let us come back and play, mentioned something about being too good. The day wasn't a total success though. Nosaj left the lights on in the car and we had to get a jump to get back home. Oh and Captain Redneck amongst the redneck crowd thought he was Mike Tyson and wanted to fight everyone.

We also learned a cool new thing. When you throw a quatro out there, all four in the hole, they let you sign the board. So now these dudes have a bunch of boards with mine and Nosaj's names all over. Sweet.

So if you think you are ready and want to step up. You aren't.

More Maine

2009-09-08T09:13:00.008-04:00

Day 6 - Boothbay Harbor

We were up for some more walking so we hit Boothbay Harbor. It is a nice fishing town. Lots of boats on the water, and several cruises from here to little islands and whale watching. We skipped all that and shopped. When I say we shopped, I mean I strolled the baby around while the rest of them spent my money. And every once in a while I got a cell signal good enough to make a call. One time I found a rocking chair in front of a store. I sat down and listened to one old man tell another about his place in Florida and how most people think the whole state is flat. But he lives 75 feet above sea level and yadda, yadda, yadda. So the other old guy leaves and I strike up a conversation with the old timer. He gives me the same story and I amused because I really have nothing else to do. Then he goes all crazy on me. Normally I don't talk to people. This is why. He tells me that he wants to open his own business when he gets back. Cool, I say. Whatcha gonna do? Sell t-shirts? Fix computers? He tells me he can heal people by putting his hands on them. OK. Time to stroll the baby around. We had a nice lunch and did some sightseeing. Later after we got home, I took some of the kids fishing. They loved it. We caught one fish. Better than no fish, which is what I usually manage.

Day 7 - Daramiscotta

Daramiscotta is the closest town/village to our house. This is where we go to the grocery store. There is even a McDonalds, although we never went there. So today we shopped in this little burg. See, the grandmother bought sweatshirts for some of the kids in touristy Boothbay. Some of the kids chose to be picky and did not get a sweatshirt. But this would only push the grandmother to make it her goal that all kids everywhere get a sweatshirt before the trip is over. However, this town is not so touristy and has less options. No sweatshirts today. I did manage to get some oysters there. I was told that the Glidden Point or Daramiscotta oysters are ranked as some of the best in the world. With my fine palette, I decided they tasted like oysters. But I have now had Glidden Point oysters. My seven year old also tried one. She spit it out.

Day 8 - Nothing

We relaxed after a couple of tiring walking days. We played a little poker outside on the deck and went fishing. Never left the island. Ate some lobster and bed early.

Day 9 - Rockland

Now if you thought I was trying to kill the old lady in the boat, you will really think it after today. We went to Rockland, the lobster capital of the world. We shopped in a bunch of stores (still no shirts), ate lunch and visited the Rockland Breakwater Lighthouse. We didn't really have a plan for today, just headed up Rt 1. So when we found out that we were real close to a lighthouse, we decided to go check it out. Upon arrival, we see a sign. Not recommended for young children and elderly. Sweet. I have both. The lighthouse is at the end of 3/4 mile of big stone blocks placed in the water. They are huge and are separated with big cracks or crevices or pits. You see where this is going don't you? On the way out there my little man falls in one and cuts his leg all up, so I end up making a good bit of the walk carrying him. Then on the way back, the old lady falls and cuts up her arm and busts her toe. Fortunately, I did not have to carry her back. I don't think she will want to vacation with us any more. On the way home, we stopped at the 'best ice cream shop in Maine. You wouldn't expect me to take my kids to the SECOND best ice cream shop, would you?

Day 10 - Statue of Liberty

We got up early and headed out of Maine. Keep in mind, we left at 7:30 am. About a half hour into our trip, the grandmother informs us that she wants to stop somewhere in Maine and get the sweatshirts. I plan on having the state in my rear view mirror by 9:30. No stores will be open that early. I nod my head and put the pedal down.
We drive. Eat lunch. Drive. Drive. Drive. Then we get to New York City and sit in traffic for an hour. Drive. Visit the Statue of Liberty. No time for the ferry on this trip. We checked her out from Jersey and were back on the road. Still no shirts. We finally get to our hotel, just south of Camden. Camden I recall was mentioned in this article in USA Today as the most dangerous city in America. Sweet.

Day 11 - Philly

After a night's sleep right next to the most dangerous city in America, we head to Philly, the city of Brotherly Love. We met some friends there and they showed us around a bit. We saw the Liberty Bell. You can see my son is so thrilled. We ate lunch, cheesesteaks of course. We saw Betsy Ross house, Ben Franklin stuff and most importantly, THE REST OF THE KIDS GOT SWEATSHIRTS. YES. Then the drive home and it is over.

Maine

2009-08-31T22:18:00.003-04:00

I know I have been incredibly lazy. But I have a few minutes so I will try to catch you up on the vacation. The last month or so will have to wait. I will mention that I beat the piss out of Nosaj in his first annual Cornhole and Cards event. I took home the trophy and stole the glory. More on that later.

We decided last minute to come back to Maine. Now some of you loyal readers will remember my last trip here was five or so years ago and was our best vacation ever. AND we stayed in a camper. So now we are back and staying in an actual home. It has to be the best vacation ever, right? We shall see. Here is what we have so far.

Day one. We wake up and decide instead of leaving on Friday morning in the rain caused by Tropical Storm Danny that we will leave today. In like six hours. We call the wife's grandmother (Nanny from here on out) and get the ball rolling. She was with us for the last trip and she wanted to come back for a repeat. We pack and pack and pack and head out on the highway. Thursday 2pm we are on the road. OK. We have to stop to get cashiers checks and sodas for the road at Costco. Back on the road. We make it all the way into Maryland and have to take a pee break. Half an hour later and we are back on the road again. We stop in Jersey for dinner. Popeyes and Burger King. An hour later we are back on the road.

If your remember how much I was in love with Onstar last trip. I am equally in love with EZPass on this trip. No cash, no slowing down, just little green light saying 'Thank you EZPass'. The only downside to day one is Connecticut road construction. We got held up for an hour late on Thursday night and finally got to the hotel at close to midnite. I slept well.

Day 2 - Boston.

We drove 2 hours to Boston and found the Boston Common. We drove straight into the parking garage and got kicked out because our 12-passenger van was too tall. So then I drive in circles for 40 minutes looking for a parking spot. I finally find one and get out of the drivers seat so my wife can parallel park. I suck. We then eat lunch and check out the ducklings, the island, the homeless people and head over to the Old North Church.

Then we get lost. We keep ending up in tunnels and on the wrong side of town. An hour later we are back in the right area. Only problem is they are shutting down most of the streets for a St. Anthonys fair. Damn streets weren't that wide to begin with. Then we see a Coast Guard station. I tell the wife to go over there and act like the retards we are and see if he can point us in the direction of parking. He says that if we have military ID we can park there for free. Nanny does. I knew there was a reason we brought her. We park free. Have awesome access to bathrooms. Get directions to Old North Church on foot and all kinds of other useful information. Good idea on my part.

Get back in the car and head over to see U.S.S. Constitution. It is closed and we can't get on it and throw tea into the harbor like the wife wanted to. I have failed for the first time. We head north in the rain and eat at a mall in north Mass. We get a hotel in Portland and are sacked out by eleven. I sleep super nice.

Day three - Maine.

We were going to hit a brewery in Portland but missed it. So we show up to the house a little early. The house is huge and awesome and cool. Built by Amish and in the woods away from people on a little island near Bristol. The owners are nice and on the island too. I get lobsters for dinner and Portland beer too. Sleeping soundly again.

Day four. Church. I find a Catholic church nearby. It also happens to be connected to the oldest Catholic church in New England. Two birds, one stone. I am awesome again. You know what else I did today? Nothing. Just hung out around the house, drove around the island, took a long walk with the kids and wife. Just relaxed.

Day five. Lighthouse and Boat.

I have been on a boat a few times in my life. Mostly tubing on a lake. I am fine when the boat is moving but not when it stops. So the house owners want to take us for a ride around the island on their boat. The kids are all excited. I am disgusted at the thought of puking on their boat. We drive a half an hour and spend the day at the Pemaquid Point lighthouse. Want to know what it looks like? Look at a Maine quarter. BAM. I was there.

We get back to the house and the owners call for the boat ride. I cheated and took some Dramamine. It was actually a good trip. No puking and learned lots of interesting information. Like the oysters voted number one by most critics are from the river right by our house. Guess what I am having for dinner tomorrow? And the funny part is when the owner lady starts yelling at her husband for slowing the boat down too fast. She hollers 'You made her fall' I look back and don't see Nanny. I only can assume she is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But no, she is on the floor of the boat. I helped her up and we all had a good laugh. Lobsters from the island co-op and I am stuffed to the rim.

Day 6 - tomorrow. Stay tuned. Hear are some pics below.

Wormies

2009-08-12T00:00:00.002-04:00

I would love to talk about the great weekend I had. Friends came down from Philly for a nice visit. We cooked out and let the kids play. But I have to talk about the health of my dog.

I know I was able to get rid of the beast for a few weeks but then she came back. Ever since, she has been a model citizen. Every once in a while she escapes her comfortable home or the nice $1500 dog pen in the back yard. For the most part, she just hangs with the family.

So I was shocked today when the wife called me at work to tell me my beautiful doggy shit all over the kitchen floor. I told her that she must be sick since she never does that. Then she shit on the family room floor and the wife hung up on me. Being the good wife, she scooped some of the runny poo up and took it to the vet. An hour later we learn that she has worms.

How, oh how, could a dog that spends 99% of the time on my floor contract worms? I assumed it was from the times she digs under the fence and escapes to romp through the neighborhood. Or the occasion when she bolts past the kids and runs out the front door to roam the streets. But then the wife reminded me that the other day, she rescued two strays that were running loose in the street and kept them in my luxurious dog pen while waiting on animal control.

The wife does a good samaritan act and I get stuck with a $60 vet bill and liquid shit from my mutt. Awesome. That is why I beep at dogs in the road and never, ever, ever, even think of stopping to pick them up. Just shows you what being nice will get you.

Skinny to Fat

2009-08-08T00:10:00.003-04:00

The father in law wants me to post the following pictures to show you how Jiggy has gone from skin and bones to jumbo large. I should instead show you how I have gone from having cash to poor as dirt since marrying into his family.
The second picture is probably from 1991-92 and the first is my current level of beef.

Injury

2009-08-03T08:42:00.002-04:00

I have a few stories but I will just get to the good one today.

Yesterday we hear a big bang from upstairs immediately followed by crying. I run upstairs fearing that my little man has pulled the dresser on top of him. But no, he is in the bathroom. I open the door to find him on the floor crying next to some dirty toilet paper on the floor. I pick him up and see the huge knot on the side of his head. He is screaming/crying and can't get the words out to tell us what happened. That is when my sleuthing took over. I surveyed the scene and determined the following which he later confirmed.

To keep up the standards of Jiggy family cleanliness, the poor soul was trying to do a good job wiping himself. However, he could not see if he was getting the job done. So why not stand on the bathroom vanity and look at the job in the mirror. Obviously he lost his footing and feel straight to the ground. Fortunately for him, his head stopped his fall.

All in a day's life at Jiggyland. Check back tomorrow for a story about the Houdini dog escaping from her $1500 fenced enclosure.

A movie for the true sports superstars.

2009-07-10T12:19:00.001-04:00

Little Rocker

2009-07-10T07:19:00.004-04:00

The Fourth

2009-07-10T06:21:00.003-04:00

Now we have been going to friends for the Fourth for a few years in a row. They roast a pig, have a keg of beer and have about 10,000,000,000 kids running around all day. I would have taken pictures of that but the amount of kids might have put you in shock. Instead, here are some pics of the pre-party at the in-laws house. No pig, definitely no keg and only my 10,000 kids running around. Of course, there is my gut on display so you might still end up in shock.

Bottling Day

2009-07-10T06:16:00.002-04:00

I have been real lazy with my posts. You can blame Facebook. I post on there often and am so incredibly popular, it takes all my time.

Here are some pictures of bottling day at my house. I bottled my first two batches of Mr. Beer two weeks ago. They are soon to go in the fridge to chill for a couple more weeks and then probably come out and taste like ass. But you never know.

The Oldest is a Teen

2009-07-10T06:10:00.002-04:00

Here are some pictures from my oldest kids birthday. He is now a teenager. As you can see he is already close to my height. That is why I need to keep beating him down so he will stay intimidated. If not, he will own me in sports the way I always abused my father. In the dinner picture, we were not sure if we had enough people at the table so we brought a priest with us. You can never have too many for dinner when I am paying.

Beach 09

2009-06-09T07:16:00.006-04:00

Normally we go to the beach in September. This year we decided to change things up and go in June. The weather was incredible, especially since it rained like a monsoon back home. There were still no crowds and no traffic. The only bad part is now I am sure the wife will still want some type of vacation in the fall. I am sure many things happened. I will try to remember the highlights.

1. We went with another family. Total 12 kids in one house. People always love to hear how many kids are running around.

2. The realty company failed to mention that our house was bordered by a house on each side and those houses happened to have a hotel on the other side. Nice.

3. One night while the wife and I are watching all twelve kids so the other couple can go out for dinner, she conveniently breaks her toe so I now have thirteen people to take care of. Perfect timing.

4. The beach was mostly empty around us which I like. But the one time we actually got young people near us with bikinis, the wives send the kids running around them hollering so they take off for a quieter place on the beach.

5. Only one person got all four bags in on one turn while playing cornhole and surprisingly it wasn't me. Worse for the ego? It was the wife.

Here are some pictures of the week long joyride I call my life.

My throwing technique is great, but check out the hat.

View from our deck to the wondrous Comfort Inn.

View of the beach from the deck.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Some random dude on the beach. I need to get me one of those suits.

Sugarcreek restaurant.

What kind of awesome location did we have? Here is a picture of the house FROM the restaurant. Sweet.

Sugarcreek.

Have boards, will travel.

Everybody smile.

Memorial Day

2009-06-09T06:03:00.003-04:00

I have gotten a little behind in my updates. Here is what I can remember from the last month or so. Memorial Day weekend. Four day weekend. I am excited for some relaxation. Then I get the bomb dropped on me. Some of the homeschool moms are taking the kids to DC to see the Natural History museum on THE FRIDAY BEFORE MEMORIAL DAY. Of course the wife agrees this is a great idea and we are in the mix. The day wasn't too horrible. A group of 20 something riding the metro to the nations capital. Great weather. Then the horrific (and somehow shocking to the women) ride home. Four hours (granted an hour was stopping for dinner) later and we are back home. Awesome. We should do this again next holiday. Here are some pictures.

Fear the Turtle and the fat guy.

I didn't know Uncle Nosaj was coming.

Put the kids to work early.

The big pencil thingie is still there.

Grape Lady

2009-05-20T19:07:00.002-04:00

I have been told this is old, way old. However, it is new to me and ohhh so funny. Just know that no actual grapes were harmed in me linking to this video.

She's Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

2009-05-18T13:50:00.002-04:00

As you previously read on my May 7th entry, we got rid of the dog. Just like a bad penny she has returned. Supposedly she was fighting with other dogs and killed a random pet cat. She won't kill mine of course, why help out the Jiggy? So she is back. She seems a little saddened right now. Or sick. Or mad. Something. She is not her usual, attacking, jumping, demonic self. Of course, we tried to put her in the cage overnight and she was back to her whining, drooling, slobbering self real quickly. That much hasn't changed. We are getting a fence put up to replace the fence I took down when my last two dogs died and I vowed never, ever to have another dog. The fencing company must love me.

Tennis started up last week. I will not brag. It just isn't worth it anymore. We did have a surprise superstar come out. Super Mario's previous physical activities resulted in him nearly cutting off his finger with an exacto knife and trying to skip his bag across the road while playing cornhole. There was not any high hopes that he would be a star on the court. He shocked a few players, although he did fall down in the first minute of playing. Good balance.

Love that chicken

2009-05-07T12:09:00.002-04:00

Now some of you that read this blog might actually have jobs and were not able to watch Oprah. Well she is hooking up with KFC and offering a free two-piece grilled chicken meal. Just print off a coupon and get your free chicken. I can attest that it works. I got a free meal today and I got a free meal yesterday. I also have enough coupons printed out to get a free meal each day until the deal ends on May 19th. Sorry if you were unable to print out your coupons. More chicken for me. Hopefully it never gets to be like this situation at Popeyes.

On to other news. The garden starts this weekend. I have borrowed another tiller so we will have two of them out there preparing the earth. Most of the plants have been purchased and are in the living room right now. Just need it to stop raining for a couple hours so I can get them in the ground.

Dog update. The beast has, at least temporarily, found a new home. We had some friends come visit and they were looking for a dog. I was able to accommodate them. This way the kids can still go visit the dog and if she is too crazy, they can always return her. So of course now that she is gone, I am missing her. So don't come around the house asking about the dog and sending the kids into tears you heartless bastards.

Game Seven

2009-05-01T15:00:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week I took my oldest to see the Caps for his birthday. It just happened to be Game 7 of the first round of the playoffs. Here are a few pictures from the night.

Car Update

2009-04-24T12:48:00.002-04:00

Nosaj's car has been found. It was returned to a nice deserted house in town. Well, most of it was returned. They are still missing an engine, seats, wheels, rims and a gear shift. It was also without all the crap they had in there like a car seat, gps, and cheese. OK. There really wasn't any cheese in there, just a cheap Wisconsin joke.

Because they are unable to hold onto their vehicles, I have been forced to furnish a ride for them. Nosaj wanted to visit his crazy Wisconsin relatives at the beach last week and for some reason his wife wanted to go back to the scene of the crime. So I lent them my car. Just for the record, in case it also gets stolen, I keep my entire cd collection, two computers, a gps, 1000GB iPod and an iPhone in my car. It just happens that I had twelve thousand five hundred dollars in there too. I wanted to put that out there, just in case. Oh and expensive golf clubs too.

On a more important note, the Jiggy has now turned 40. I know, I know, I don't look a day over 39 1/2, I know. But it is true. For my birthday I got the privilege of taking my family to the park for the afternoon. Now some of you might have wanted to have a relaxing day of naps, or a bushel of crabs for lunch. Not me. I wanted to drive up 95 in traffic and go to a park and use public toilets. I got my wish.

Easter Pics

2009-04-24T12:41:00.001-04:00

Here are some Easter pictures finally.

Tips Hotline

2009-04-09T08:15:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all the tips I have been receiving about the missing car. To make it a little easier, I have attached a picture of the license plate. Please keep those calls coming in.

Birthday Party / Mini Cornhole Tournament

2009-04-08T09:49:00.004-04:00

A few weekends back, we had a birthday party for one of many hundreds of kids. The wife wanted it to be a tea party kind of affair. As you can see from the picture, she had the room set up all festive.

However, I saw it as an opportunity to play a little cornhole. And as you can see from the pictures below, we managed to get in a few games despite the crazy wind bursts. Nosaj and my son combined to be the big winners. This was overshadowed by the fact that some people cannot socially drink and ended up urinating in my yard while dozens of children played nearby. I will not mention any names on here as it might embarrass them. I doubt it though, since getting drunk and marauding through my yard like a hippie on LSD didn't seem to embarrass them.

Finally we have a picture of the birthday girl after a long afternoon of partying.

I am still waiting on Nosaj to hook me with pictures he took of the unmentioned peeman hiding behind a bush and a picture of the new Washington Capitals boards he made. Although he might be a little busy looking for his car since somebody stole it yesterday. If you happen to see a purplish/blue Acura Integra, please call Nosaj.

What time is it? Tennis time.

2009-04-07T10:49:00.003-04:00

The days are getting warmer and I am getting fatter. That combination can only mean one thing. It is time to start playing tennis again. I need to lose about 20-30 pounds because I cannot stop eating. I gave up sweets for Lent and I just compensated by eating more other stuff. But I was dealt a setback when I learned that E-bone bought his son a new racket for his birthday. Now E-bone has stolen the three day old racket and will be using that for tennis. I might have to step up my game and get something besides my trusty $10 Sports Authority special. Almost everyone will be back this year and a new player or two. We did lose one hard court specialist as he has relocated. Rumors are flying that he took all his profits from up north and headed to the Sunbelt and is opening a smoothie joint. Honestly, would you buy anything, much less a smoothie, from this man??

The lost weekend

2009-04-07T10:22:00.002-04:00

I know I have some catching up to do, but I still haven't downloaded the pictures from the third birthday party a couple weeks ago. So I will just update you on the last week. Over the weekend, I had planned on going out of town for work. I blew off a conrhole tournament that I was sure to win just to spend time with the kids. And on Sunday when I was supposed to leave, I let the wife make all kinds of plans. The day was so full it was ridiculous. But I didn't care because I was going to be on a plane out of Dodge. But people didn't do what they said they would and the business trip fell through. I was stuck going to all the functions I would have been escaping. We hit three birthday parties, all without alcohol. This lack of alcohol is something my inlaws will have to get used to after my last party, but I will talk about that when I get the pictures up.

The dog is remarkably still alive. She managed to eat part of my grill cover and then chewed up my ignitor. So we moved the grill off the back porch and I will be doing Ghetto grilling from the yard. Doesn't anyone want a beautiful, wonderful dog?? Cheap.

I don't think I mentioned on here that somebody stole my credit card information and went on a shopping spree at Walmart. Well they did. So I tried to use my card to get some furniture and got declined. You know that always makes you feel so nice when you are told your card is no good. Cheap ass. I had to file a police report and the cops had to come out to take the information. I didn't tell the kids that the officer was coming so they all come running to me when he arrives, all freaked out. I use the fear of police officers as a deterrent to kids unstrapping seat belts in the car so you can understand their fears. It is always good to keep them on their toes.

Oh since we got new furniture, I had to unload the old sectional. I turned to trusty old Craigslist and Mr. Craig did not let me down. I had people beating down the door to buy it. Ain't America great?

Mistake on the Lake

2009-03-16T13:31:00.003-04:00

I just got back from Cleveland. Great city. Just too damn cold. They couldn't have sent me there in the summer or fall??? I did very little sight seeing since it was winter and, did I mention, cold? I saw the baseball stadium and the hoops arena and a huge poster of Lebron. Wonder what they will do with that when he leaves town too.

I also found a great deli close to where I was that had a monstrous Stromboli. Just what my waistline needed.

Oh, I almost forgot. It is supposed to be a huge cornhole playing area. I looked up a restaurant that supposedly had it and I went in, only to have the entire redneck bar stop their conversation and stare at me. I looked around, saw no cornhole boards and left without saying a word to anyone. Talk about out of place.
And you can also see my ghetto cooler.

Next time I have to get a hotel with a fridge.

Waterpark and New Shoes

2009-02-27T14:58:00.003-05:00

This week was a busy one. We got the stove working again. No more crock pot meals for a while. Monday I took the family to an indoor waterpark. I think all the kids had a good time. They must have because I was beatdown tired. I don't think I could walk any more steps after going up to the water tubes about a dozen times. I also don't think there are any other men in the entire state besides me that do not have tattoos. The economy obviously hasn't hurt tattoo artists. They are staying busy.

Then yesterday the wife and kids were at Chick Fil A. They have a play area there. The kids were playing and then some woman stole one of my kids shoes. Now that might sound outrageous but it started a little simpler. She mistakenly took my kids shoes which were the same brand and similar size as her kids shoes. My wife and mother-in-law tried to reason with the woman but she got all ignorant and wouldn't choke up the shoes. They offered to compare the shoes together. No dice. So they threatened to call the cops and she got all friendly. No, actually she went into the bathroom with the shoes and wouldn't come out. Nice. So the wife took the other shoes and went home defeated. Mother-in-law hung out for a while to try to get the ladys license plate number but she wouldn't come out of the shitter. So the ironic part was our new shoes are actually bigger than the old ones. So now that winch is home trying to jam her kids foot into the smaller shoe. Life sucks sometimes.

TV Dinners

2009-02-17T13:00:00.003-05:00

I have an excuse for my lack of blogging. I am lazy. OK.

Now in my defense there has been a little going on lately. I had to work at home for a couple of weeks and I was real busy and the kids were driving me crazy. AND the stove broke. It broke a week ago and the soonest someone could look at it was over the weekend. That is about all he did, look at it. He told me it was installed sloppily and a wire came loose and burned up some other wire. Who knows. All I know is I paid someone to install the damn thing a few years ago and it is under warranty. All he knew was he had to order parts and I was gonna be eating microwave food for another week and a half.

So we have been eating out and eating crockpot meals and ordering Dominos and grilling out and hauling food to the inlaws to cook it. It sucks no matter how you break it down. The wife tried to use it as a sign of God that she shouldn't be cooking. I said God wouldn't want you to be single again so I am sure that is not what he had in mind.

Imagine your dream scenario, working from home. No commute, no headaches. Then imagine a dog, cat and seven kids are there to help you. I am getting so much more done now that I am back at the office. I enjoyed eating lunch with the kids each day and not waking up at the crack of midnite, but there is not a big enough lock to keep those monsters away from me.

The biggest new thing is the Wii Fit. We have been playing that for a few weeks now. The kids absolutely love to watch me do the hula hoop. They have gone so far as to pull out the video camera. The wife got something like 280 spins and one of the kids 290. My first attempt 2. Not two hundred, not even twenty two. TWO. I think a no legged man would give me a run for my money in this game. I was able to follow that turn up with another TWO. Needless to say I won't be joining the National team.

Icy day at home

2009-01-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

Today I am surrounded by all the kids and even the Nosaj spawn. Well the wife at least took the baby with her on her little escape. So since I have so many kids to watch, I have hidden myself and am playing on the computer. What a good babysitter I am. Actually I had to upload some pics to Craigslist to try to unload some furniture. So I figured I would upload some pics here too.

I am too lazy to put the captions under each one right now. So the first is the kids playing outside yesterday. That is when the dog escaped and was gone for four hours. I love animals. Then there is proof that we still have the dog, then a shot of the baby and then one of me and the boy sporting Ovie jerseys. The last one is not implying anything. I am by no means saying that I force my wife to carry around a baby AND vacuum the damn floor. I am not saying that at all. And to all of you sexist people that think that is what that picture is all about, shame on you.

Heart Wall Pain

2009-01-23T17:30:00.000-05:00

This could very well be my last post ever. I have what we in the medical field like to call Chest Wall Pain.

So I wake up Tuesday and my chests hurts. I go through work on Tuesday, it hurts all day. Wednesday I am home with the kids and it hurts all day. So Wednesday night I go to the hospital. Did you know that when you tell them at the hospital that you have chest pains, you don't wait in the waiting room. Awesome. So a couple of EKGs and chest Xrays later, not to mention the two stab wounds from taking blood and they send me home. Oh and six hours of hospital time for good measure. And the verdict? No heart attack, nothing. Go home faker. So here it is Friday and it still hurts. If it is not better by Monday, I will make an appointment at my doctors office. I love getting old. I was really just hoping it was gas.

On the Wednesday that I was home, before my hospital stay, I spent quality time with the kids. The first hour of quality time was at Sears Portrait Studio. It could have been twenty minutes less had one of my beautiful daughters decided to smile through the first twenty attempts at family pictures. After a quick, quiet conversation in the hall with just me and my lovely little child, the pictures went much smoother.

The next two hour joyfest was at the dentist. Two hours in a waiting room with my herd and half of the local community. I can now say that I have seen Ratatouille. Great movie. Great, great movie. So those criminals now have most of my cash. They want to put braces on one of my darling spawn. If only it could have been the non-smiler and I could have taken care of both issues and removed all her teeth, but no.

My upstairs shower leaked through the ceiling downstairs. Turned out to be a pipe got a tiny hole in it and soaked the ceiling. Couple hundred dollars later and I have a sky light of sorts. Now me and a friend are going to try to fix it. Oh the fun never stops.

On the bright side, the dog is still alive.

Boards

2009-01-08T21:11:00.000-05:00

So my new cornhole boards are done. I still have not received them. Of course I still haven't paid for them either so I guess that is ok. Here is a picture of the beauties. Don't be jealous. I also got my cornhole 'Drain O' shirt in the mail today. Now when I beat you, I will be doing it in style.

Seriously, those are some awesome ass boards aren't they? Click on them to see a larger picture, you know you want to.

Tomorrow is filling day at the dentist. I told the oldest that the Novocaine only feels like a little bee sting. A bee that is as big as a whale and is as hot as lava. But a bee sting none the less. I am a great father.

Resolutions

2009-01-06T12:36:00.001-05:00

One of my resolutions this year is to post to the blog more often. I was kind of slack last year, but I plan on doing better this year. Another resolution is to lose weight. That one probably won't go as well. At least I am not foolish enough to get a gym membership just because the Wii Fit said I was a lard ass (dad). I don't need a high tech toy to let me know I am a little on the bigger side.

New year, new disease. Remember the family I wrote about from New Year's Eve. I forgot to tell you they brought a present. Puking. So far one of my monsters has yakked and a couple others have the runs. And now one of the Hawkman children are also ill. Usually the Hawkmen bring the disease, not take it away. So to all the Hawkmen, I sincerely apologize for your illnesses. But really it wasn't my fault. Usually new cases break out in the evening in our house, so I can't wait to go home from work.

My finances just got a little better. Yesterday I got a call that one of the kids has a cavity to be filled, one has to get a cap on his cavity because he got the filling knocked out (when I slammed him into the soccer goalpost a couple of months ago) and the third has a cavity and needs some type of other work. Well this colossal bill just got lighter. I learned that the dentist gives the kids gas before he gives them the shot. This gas costs $75. Hell No. My son will be introduced to the world of no-gas shots this week. I told him just to imagine it is a beesting in his mouth and to learn to brush his damn teeth better. This ain't the Bank of America.

2008 Wrap Up

2009-01-05T06:54:00.000-05:00

I just have a few stories remaining from 2008. So I will get them out of the way and we can focus on 2009 because it is a 'new day'.

On Christmas day we had the wife's family over for dinner. We went to church earlier in the day and the wife had invited the priest over for dinner. Only we didn't tell the inlaws. I wish I could have captured the shock on their faces when he rolled in the door. Imagine Nosaj on his best behavior for a couple of hours. The funniest part was when he asked them if they were from out of town because he never sees them at church. Classic.

You already saw my pictures from the National tree. I am sure you loved the one taken by granny with half our heads chopped off. Nosaj got some random person to snap his family picture. He made out a little better than me. When asked how he picked the person to take the picture, he replied that he chose someone he thought he could outrun so they wouldn't be able to make off with his camera. Nice.

On New Years Eve we had the Nosaj family, the inlaws, the Hawkmen and another family over for festivities. Let me break down the evening for the unnamed family. Roll in and attack the food like a swarm of locusts, pillage the beer like hearty sailors and have one of their kids blindside one of my Christmas trees, knocking it over and scattering broken ornaments all around. Then roll out. Not a bad appearance. However, they missed late nite Cornhole matches. To say it was cold would be a vast understatement. It was beyond fridgid. But there was too much smack talking to not play the games. So we bundled up and played for around three hours, right up until midnight. We had to take a small break for Nosaj to run home and get his boards, his kerosene heater and firepit. The heater was not a real help but you sure stayedd warm on the firepit side. After three hours we still ended up tied and that was probably best. I think Nosaj and the Hawkman were close to coming to blows with all their smack talk.
.But probably the best story of the holiday season is from the father in law. He drives for a brown delivery service. During the last month of the year he gets all kinds of goodies from people on his route. This year he got a more than generous gift from a local school, a $20 Starbucks gift card. However, when he went to use it there was only a $1.32 balance left on it. Can you imagine the inner glee of the chick personally handing him a mostly used up card, knowing she had enjoyed the rich, aroma-filled flavor of her favorite brew earlier that day - at his expense. Awesome.

Christmas Time Too

2008-12-30T14:12:00.000-05:00

Ok you have seen the pictures. Now a couple quick stories. This is like my Christmas letter to you all. You know the one where people tell you how great their life is what has been going on all year.

First of all, I am going on a diet in January. I have gotten to the edge of the jean size so I must scale back. When the jeans are too tight, that is my barometer. So until January, I plan on eating like a friggin machine. So to help me in my endeavor, my local McDonalds has brought back the McRib. You can just never get enough McRibs. I had four the first weekend. I plan on a few more before the year ends.

Before Christmas, we had the baptism for our latest. It is too hard to remember names, so we shall just say number seven. The Hawkmen came up from NC to be the Godparents and didn't even bring an illness. So we have invited them back for New Year's Eve. I am sure there is a disease waiting to happen here soon.

Christmas went off without a hitch. We had Christmas at my parents, then Christmas at the wifes grandmothers, then Christmas at home, then Christmas with the wifes parents. I think the kids got enough. I got my jersey. And some of these. Nice.

Here is a picture of me and the wife at church on Christmas.

Here is a picture of me and little number seven in D.C. at the National Christmas Tree. What a wonderful father I must be to take my kids to one of the worst crime cities in the county, at night.

Number seven still doesn't sleep much at night. I have been off work most of the month so it hasn't bothered me that much. Next month I might be getting grouchy with no sleep and no food.

The dog is still alive. She hasn't escaped the house in the last month, but not because she isn't trying.

So everyone have a great New Years Eve and I will write much more often in 2009.

Christmas Time

2008-12-30T13:55:00.000-05:00

I know I am worthless. I haven't updated this in a month. Would you believe I have been a little busy? So here are some quick Christmasy pictures and stories.

This first one is little Cecilia with her new best friend Brobee. It says stuff when you touch its hand, like 'I'm Brobee dammit.'

This next one is what happens when you let old people touch electronics. The picture is only half as funny when you can't see her holding the digital camera above her head and moving it around trying to get us in the viewfinder.

This is me with my smooooth Ovechkin jersey.

This is me with my sister and parents. I am the fat guy on the right, as opposed to the fat guy in the red.

This is the rough draft of our Christmas card. If you got a card, you will notice the diaper rack and other useless items have been removed. I guess I could have just moved them before I took the picture but then how would SteelerFanBoy practice his Photoshop skills?

The Power of the Blog

2008-11-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things just turn out well. And I am not talking about my fine post-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving. Although that was delicious. I didn't even make potatoes. How about that.

No, I am talking about the fear of bad publicity. Just yesterday my sister had a birthday party for her son. He turned one. What was her biggest fear on party day? That no one would show? No. That someone would spill something on the carpet? No. Her biggest fear was a bad writeup in the blog. She couldn't have family and friends reading about no food or subpar beer.

I have to give her credit for a fine showing. Plenty of food. Actually had some leftover ham and turkey thrown in. She even showed me some leftover potatoes she had in the fridge. They had more leftovers than I got offered on Turkey day. And plenty of beer was flowing. Good work sis. She supposedly has pictures of the food. I will post if I get them.

Updated Baby Pics

2008-11-30T14:50:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple new pics of the baby. The first one where it looks like she is smiling. It is either her knowing that she has an awesomely cool dad OR she has gas. The second is her sleeping. Obviously that one was not taken between 3 and 7 AM on any day I have been home this week.

Drastic Measures

2008-11-30T14:43:00.000-05:00

This is what it has come to. I have been craving turkey ever since the Thanksgiving Day debacle. (See below) So I had to take matters into my own hands. I will be having a little mini bird party tonight at my house. AND there will be enough potatoes for everyone. See, one of the bad things about not hosting Turkey Day is no leftovers. Problem solved. Fresh bird from Bloom and now I have turkey sandwiches and turkey soup. MMMMMMM. Turkey.

Day of the Bird

2008-11-29T09:05:00.000-05:00

You know how there are a couple of days you look forward to during the year? Christmas, The Superbowl, your birthday and Thanksgiving. Well I might have to cross off the day of thanks from my list. We celebrate the day at Nosaj's house. This year was a little subpar.

First I get the call that Nosaj has provided a weak imitation of beer for the festivities. Just because he has no taste buds, does not mean I want to drink Miller Lite. You can see one of them in the picture of the sweet potatoes.

Just wait till he sees what the guest beer is at Christmas. It will be something from the other end of the beer shelf at the grocery store. Not the end where they have real beers. More like a Schmidts or a Red, White and Blue. Stay tuned for that.

So back at the big turkey day. We are told that we will be eating at 4. So I get my green bean casserole prepared and I take it Nosaj's house to cook. We arrive at 3 and now dinner is at 3. Guess what. The green beans aint ready. So then we see the potatoes. Keep in mind there are 15 people here. It looks like granny brought enough potatoes for herself. I have seen more spuds in a small side from KFC.

Then we see what was supposed to be stuffing. It seemed to have more of a stuffing soup consistency.

So, on the up side, at least I didn't ruin my diet with all the food. Maybe that was the plan. Thin me out by starving me. So then we went outside and played some bags. It was Nosaj's kind of weather. Cold. You know Syrians don't do well in the cold. The highlight of the afternoon/evening was Nosaj throwing the fourth ringer in a row and start his premature dance as I tossed my fourth in a row right on top, cancelling out his points. Needless to say, I did a little victory dance in the street. I don't think his neighbors like us much.

Not enough work for SteelerFanBoy?

2008-11-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

Obviously SteelerFanBoy needs some extra work. He has too much Photoshop time.

Number 7

2008-11-20T05:55:00.000-05:00

Kateri Joseph (still no middle name) was born this morning at 4:40am. She was 6 lbs 14 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. Here are some pics. Baby and mommy are doing fine. Daddy is unshaven and still in his clothes from yesterday AND very tired. Don't these kids ever want to be born during the day??

Recent Pics

2008-11-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

Here are some Halloween, pumpkin patch and apple picking pictures.

Nosaj's boards

2008-11-04T14:40:00.000-05:00

Nosaj gets a bum rap on this blog. He is described as lazy and as a mooch. Well, he is both of those things. BUT, he can also make some nice boards. I will post pictures of my free Redskins boards when he is done with them.

Outhouses

2008-10-13T16:29:00.000-04:00

This was a weekend of outhouses I suppose. Friday I dropped the wife and kids off at a park with their friends and I went and got a haircut. Then I had the major decision to make, go back and play with the kids or shop for a while until they were done. Surprisingly I went back to the park. Silly me. I was being goalie and playing soccer with a bunch of kids when I made an awesome save. Unfortunately the County provided goals were suspect and the friggin crossbar fell on the back of my neck. Well this hundred pound steel pole staggered me until I realized what it was. I managed to pull it off my spine and jam it back into place. So I gimped over to the wife and told her I was ready to go. A night with the heating pad and I seemed to be back to normal.

Also at the park, all of you that were worried about me sheltering my kids by homeschooling them would have finally been justified. One of my little darling daughters went into the County provided Portajohn. After finishing her business, she washed her hands with the soap. That ain't soap. Urinal cake maybe, not soap. After half a bottle of antibacterial hand soap, she was as good as new. See by having a job and being a little high maintenance myself, I have sheltered my children. I have sheltered them from using portable toilets and thus have scarred her little soul. Or at least given me the creeps. Needless to say, I wore those hands out with the soap at bath time.

So Saturday I spent making my yard look like a park again. Cutting grass (actually the boy did that) and weed eating, picking weeds and crab grass, trimming bushes and shrubs and taking stuff to the dump. AND waiting for Nosaj to come home from visiting relatives at the zoo. He bragged about his super, duper, greatest ever, new boards. He decided it was best not to play against me and waited until dark to come home. Weak.

Then Sunday brought apple picking. I drove the brood further out into the country past many orchards to get to the very one that 100,000,000,000 other people decided to go to. So went with our friends that own a farm. Once I spent two hundred dollars on fast food for a picnic out there and navigate the mountain and setup camp and steal a couple picking poles, ole farmer tells me he can get us apples real cheap by the bushel. So I am here for what, exactly?? Oh the experience. The experience fell during a Redskin game people. Is this not America?

My second outhouse experience came as we were heading back home. All the kids had to go potty before we left. My same little princess didn't want to go into the portajohn. See she is scarred. So I help her out. I go in with her, line the toilet with some toilet paper and tell her to do her business. She says there are too many bugs in there. I smack a couple nasty, juicy bugs dead and then she still won't go. Then after some gentle encouraging by me, she starts crying. Finally I make the call that this particular child will just have to piss herself in the car on the way home. I escaped the death pod and used up whatever was left in our car bottle of antibacterial. All during a Redskin game.

Bags and Burritos

2008-09-24T14:59:00.000-04:00

Friday at the beach was Burrito day. We had been planning it for a year, ever since last year's Burrito day. This year we were going to play bags all week and the winning team was going to eat free burritos and drink free beers. Well Nosaj got a little worried about his skills so we changed it to fifty cents a game. Regardless we whomped him and he still didn't pay his bet. What a horrible loser. He whined when we played, he cried forfeit on the nights we didn't play and then got super cocky for the five minutes his team actually went on a run, only to see the dominate squad beat him back yet again.

So we defeated him and got no reward. Other than the joy of seeing the defeat in his heart, knowing we had broken the man. You can see some of the pics of the Bad Bean, our Burrito hangout.

On our way back to the house we noticed some fellas also playing bags at another beach house. So I challenged the gentlemen to a friendly game or two. Actually I ran drunk through the bushes and called 'Next'. They were a little shocked. But we got along swell. I teamed up with Nosaj this time and we crushed these guys spirits. They might go home knowing they were the best of their group. But they weren't the best of the beach. (We are the paler looking guys). I asked the gentelmen about their Virginia Tech boards since we had a VT grad with us. They just got em cause they matched one of the guy's initials. Nice.

Back from the Beach

2008-09-22T09:08:00.000-04:00

So another year at the beach is in the books. We stayed at the same the house for the third year. I asked the FatherInLaw what time it was on the first day down there. He told me there are only two times at the beach. Day time when the sun is up. Night time when the sun is down. It seemed to make sense to me. Until I saw this guy who obviously was working on a different time.

SPEEDO TIME.

There was plenty going on at the beach. I will have to break this down into a couple different posts. But I have to get this out there first. We had asked the Hawkman and his family to roll with us but they declined. I think they got booted from the invite list. Hawkman and family are great, but my new best friend and his family came this year instead. Mr. Beer Guy is a nice enough fellow. He just takes vacation to the next level. He came equipped with multiple kegs of beer. Time to step up Mr. Hawkman.

And every year we pass Gravedigger the monster truck. I always want to stop but we are usually in a caravan of family. This year we left early by ourselves and we visited the monster truck land.

Tennis and Bags

2008-08-21T21:00:00.000-04:00

So you saw my melons. Awesome right? Here is what has been happening on the home front. I haven't heard from the Hawkman lately so his old lady must have found out he spent $75 on Washington Redskins remote control. (It really wasn't anywhere near that much, I just want to add fuel to the fire.)

We had our Fantasy Football draft on Tuesday. I am sure I managed to pick a dozen or so players that will be injured this year. I tried to limit the amount of Skins I picked so at least they won't get hurt. And it is not true that only homos and geeks play fantasy football. Sandwich Artist is by no means a geek. Oh wait, that means.... Forget I said anything.

I played tennis last week with Nosaj. I was rusty if rusty means fat and out of shape. He took the first set and then started talking smack. There was so much gibberish coming out his pie hole, you would think Nadal just took me out. So I beat him like China man only winning a silver medal. I took the next two sets and there wasn't much noise coming from his yap then.

Then last weekend we played cards at the Nosaj crib. His old lady was out of town ~~with some guy~~ at some seminar. So he had a poker game. He insisted on a Holdem tournament. Of course I objected and then beat them all down. I took first and then we played regular poker until 2:30 am. Then, of course, him and his Detroit buddy started talking smack about Bags. So we set up the spotlights and played Bags until almost four in the morning. I smacked some ass in that too.

Which brings me to the most troubling part of my story tonight. My father came over this weekend and we played a little Bags. He had never played but he is pretty good at horseshoes. So he played my son for a little while and beat him. Then he started getting cocky. I proceeded to beat him down twice. Then latter after he trounced my son again, he somehow got a win from me. You would have thought he won the synchronized diving award or something, the way he was dancing around and so full of himself. I think he has turned senile. Come to think of it, I am not even sure he won the game.

Melons

2008-08-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

Here is some stuff the kids and I pulled from the garden today. I thought the watermelons would eventually turn light green with stripes. They never did. I guess I bought a different kind of seed. The other pics are cherry tomatoes, habaneros and okra.
I am an awesome gardener.

Are you ready for some........

2008-08-12T18:49:00.001-04:00

Look what came in the mail today.

Now while you all are watching your standard definition tv with your weak plain remote, I will be watching Sunday Ticket with my Redskins remote control. I know the Hawkman ordered one too. So he will also be enjoying the privilege of superiority. Steeler Fan Boy was on the verge of getting the yellow and black of his home team but the ordering process confused him. Alas he will be watching with a Plain Jane remote. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Old School

2008-07-24T21:13:00.000-04:00

I need to take you back a little bit. Back before I had 100 kids, I had 100 roommates. There was always some randoms moving in and out of my townhouse. Some paid rent, some didn't. One particular one has hit the big time now. Here is a video of a lady you all know. When they get to her significant other, that is my old roommate.

A month

2008-07-15T10:24:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. It has been weeks since I last updated all of you. Would you believe I have been a little busy? Let me try to update you on what I can remember from the last month.

First of all, some of you know, some of you don’t, but I am sure you all suspected that the wife is pregnant again. I guess six little demons was not enough. So come December we will have number seven. Donations are always being accepted.

I am being evicted from my cushy commute and being thrown back into the big city. One good thing is I will be carpooling with the Ebone again. One huge bad thing is I won’t be sleeping in until 6am every day. I like Ebone and all, but damn, sleeping late is soooooo nice.

The garden is doing marvelously this year. The kids pulled more cucumbers yesterday than we got all last year. And the tomatoes are growing like crazy now too. We have corn, beans, hot peppers, onions, potatoes, cabbage, lettuce, okra, carrots and watermelons all doing nicely. I just can’t get green peppers to grow to save my life. Oh and friggin cilantro won’t do crap for me either. I planted pumpkins a week or so ago which I heard is still late but about a month earlier than I planted them last year. So instead of small jack-o-lanterns we might have medium jacks this year.

Bags or cornhole has been going well. On the Fourth of July I put the super beat down on every one. But then the other day Nosaj came over to my crib and put the beat down on me. Now there is a Beach Week challenge. Nosaj is bringing some random family with him to the beach this year. The dude, we will call him Corey, is going to be Nosaj’s teammate and I will have the father-in-law weighing down my team. I won’t say the father-in-law is holding me down but my back usually hurts after the game from carrying his ass.

The mutt is surprisingly still alive. She had been good for a while. She got out on the Fourth of July night. It was my fault. I was a little tipsy when I took her out and she managed to escape. I was tired so she spent the night running around the neighborhood. I woke up at 4am and let her back in. Then she went almost a week without escaping. Until Sunday morning when I had to track her down before church. She was just hanging with my worthless neighbor who couldn’t seem to be bothered enough to grab her. I chased her in my car to the neighborhood pool and then she chased my car back home. Oh how it would have been understandable if I somehow just clipped her with my bumper. But no. Then yesterday she bolted again. Unfortunately she keeps coming back.

I switched over to satellite tv from cable. Comcast kept screwing me so I had to finally cut them loose. I did keep their Internet service since I don’t want to change my email address AND they matched the Verizon DSL price. So now if you need to see an out of market football game, come on over. For just a nominal fee, I am sure I can hook you up.

I can’t really remember anything amazingly stupid that the kids have done. I get the every day color yourself with markers. Or the constant messy rooms. The most annoying thing recently is the fact that the youngest can open up the fridge by herself. She is ALWAYS getting in there and just helping herself to snacks. Her big thing is yogurt. It is like her pacifier. She falls down she starts hollering Yobaby. She wakes up in the morning and the first thing she wants is Yobaby. She craps bricks from all the dairy. I told the wife to stop buying the yogurt so she would stay out of the damn fridge.

Lastly, they opened up the neighborhood pool I will never be swimming in. And we are on the waiting list to join some other pool too. Although, I don’t plan on ever swimming in that pool either. I just humor the old lady by letting her put our name on the waiting list. She has taken the kids there three times this year and TWICE some other kid has puked in the pool and they had to shut down for like an hour to clean. PUKE. You know what? I will just stick with the in-laws pool. Sure I have to put up them and there is always the chance that Nosaj will be there too, but the pluses outweigh the minuses. Oh I forgot. Public pools equal horrible. I just established that. Now imagine me at a public lake. EWWW. We went for a picnic last week at the local state park. I don’t know if I have ever enjoyed a shower more than I did when that trip was over. It is like a public pool with a side order of boat fuel and animal waste and fish waste. I think I need another shower.

Hawkman Bday

2008-06-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to the Hawkman. His birthday is today, Sunday. Since it is already almost 11pm, most of you will read this tomorrow. Then he will be just another old man, balding, getting rounder in the middle, and still wondering where most of his life has gone. But he did get a new Webkinz for his big day so life isn't all bad.

We called the Hawkman on his big day and sang him Happy Birthday. It wasn't as happy for him as it was for us since we were eating crabs and drinking countless Coronas. But such is life when you are pushing 45 or whatever he claims he is now.

Here are some pics of our big Hawkman Crabfest celebration. Thanks for having your birthday on a weekend man. We appreciate it.

The broken chair is from Nosaj trying to put his fat ass into it. I don't want to spread tales but this is the second time he has broken a chair at the inlaws. Time for some Jennie Craig lardo.

Hail, Hail the Hail

2008-06-16T22:18:00.001-04:00

Today I got caught in the worst hail storm ever. There was golf ball size hail just pounding my little Civic. It looked like I was driving on ice because the damn road was covered with hail. It sounded as if someone was just pegging me over and over with rocks. I kept thinking the windshield was going to break. I saw another car that looked like it did have a broken windshield. It was brutal. Here are some pics.

Funny Reporter

2008-06-09T22:43:00.000-04:00

There is some bad language in this, but the noise this dude makes when a bug flies in his mouth is priceless.

Bug in Mouth Brings Out the Street in Reporter - Watch more free videos

Oh that wacky game of golf...

2008-06-08T16:01:00.000-04:00

I have some golf updates from the big Round for the Hounds tournament that happened this weekend. But first, a puppy update. She ran away yesterday afternoon. I locked all the doors and pulled down the blinds but she still came back again. Lucky me. I am sure she was gone long enough to bite several people and get me sued. This is after we left her unattended for an hour yesterday.

I took the kids to the inlaws pool. I thought I might catch a couple golfers going by the house but I did not. It was 100 degrees outside so I figured I would give the mutt a chance to stay inside and be cool while we weren't home. We came home to dog crap and a ripped up toy as well as claw marks on the door. Today, if we go out, she will be crispy pup on the back porch.

Back to the golf tournament. Nosaj didn't have a great weekend. I could tell it was going to be bad on Friday when me and this guy that had never played Bags whooped Nosaj's ass. The team of him and my oldest kid that was throwing beatdowns the last time we played, was getting it handed to them. So, obviously, this carried over to the golf course.

It was a Captain's Choice tourney. The only thing Nosaj had to come up with all day was three of his own drives. So it comes down to the last two holes and they only need one more Nosaj drive. He dribbles the drive off of 17 about 5 feet. And then he does the same thing on 18 so they have to play that one. Rumor has it, and it is only a rumor, they were calling him Mr Triple Bogey during the awards ceremony and raffle.

To make matters worse, he had to pay $250 on Friday to fix his AC. I am sure my moms and pops would pay $500 to fix theirs since they have been without the cooling comforts of conditioned air since Wednesday. The guy should be out on Monday. I guess the 100 degree golf day wasn't much different than sitting on the couch at the old man's house.

Update #1 - I talked to Nosaj and supposedly his team was out to get him and put all the pressure on him to use his drives on the last two holes. The temps were too hot and the wind wasn't blowing right and some other stuff prevented him from performing well. It was all a set up.

Update #2 - I spoke to his team. They weren't calling him Mr Triple Bogey. They were calling him Mr. Three off the Tee. And supposedly they tried all day to come up with a drive of his they could use but were not able to get any. Finally they told him to use a wedge just to get something in play but he refused. To be continued......

Doggy Update

2008-05-21T20:10:00.001-04:00

What is worse than four greyhounds in a 800 sq. ft. ranch house? Five greyhounds in a 800 sq. ft. ranch house.

What is worse than five greyhounds in a 800 sq. ft. ranch house? Five greyhounds that fight and send each other to the vet for $$$ bills.

Such is the life of the father in law. Just a little shout out to cheer him up on his week off of work.

My dog situation is not as bad. The dog doesn't whine in the cage at all anymore. That is because we don't put her in the cage. She stays on the back porch when we are not home. The FORTIFIED back porch. I had to staple up chicken wire all around it so she would not squeeze through the planks. There is a board covering the steps so she can't get out that way. Yet every few days she will still escape. The wind will blow real hard and move the board. Or she will, as she did last week, bend down a piece of chicken wire and jump up on it and wedge herself between the chicken wire and the porch rail. She will whine and wriggle for a while and then escape. So I made some chicken wire repairs. It seems to work. Only problem, she uses my back porch as a toilet.

I have time to write this tonight since I am not watching tv. I am not boycotting television. She ate the remote. Not all of the remote, just enough of it so it doesn't work. I called and they said I could come pick up a new one at the cable company or they would bring me one. Sure, I said, bring me one. Well they failed to mention it would be $20 so I will be going tomorrow to get a new one at the cable company.

I love animals.

Babysitter

2008-05-20T21:24:00.000-04:00

I get home from work today and the wife wants to go to dinner. This is nothing new except that tonight she wants to leave the kids at home. So we call her dad to come over. He complains that he has already had three martinis and is tired. Granted it is only like 5pm on a Tuesday. I guess it is ok since he is on vacation this week.

So we go to dinner and come home only to see him and the kids huddled around the dining room table watching videos on my laptop. All these years of homeschooling and keeping the kids away from Ebone and I come home to this.

Later I ask the kids if the old man stayed on the laptop the whole time we were gone. Oh no, they say, he was on his phone the other half of the time.

I talked to a buddy the other day. He was recalling how he got arrested recently. The entire story is funny and yet normal for him. But one thing made me chuckle. As the cop was cuffing my dear good buddy, he marveled at how he would have to use TWO sets of handcuffs because chubbs had a Wide Frame. That is a very delicate way of putting it I suppose. Wide Frame. And no guys, it wasn't Lumpy.

Lazy

2008-05-19T16:25:00.000-04:00

I would say I have been busy but I just haven't had the energy lately. My classes have been over for two weeks now and I find myself sitting on the couch like a vegetable for an hour after the kids go to bed. The bad part is I have soooo many funny things to tell everyone.

Like today, I talked to E-bone. He WAS planning on taking the family to some exotic island for vacation. (Damn I wish I had DBA money, and not that wannabe DBA money that SteelerFanBoy has) So E-bone applies for passports. Only problem is he uses fake birth certificates and gets busted. So what does a rational, level-headed man do when this happens? He blames the wife. Like she jumped in the WayBack machine and altered his birth certificate. Really man. Come on. Is your name really even E-bone?

Over the weekend, I was tilling the garden. In case you were wondering, I have expanded the garden and added a few different veggies. I see the five year old screaming in the driveway, and a couple of the other kids are helping her out. Everything seems under control so I continue my yard work. It turns out that she had a bee in her hair and it stung her shoulder. At dinner, one of the older girls was explaining how she was assisting her little sister.

'I saw the bee in her hair and she was screaming and I said I will be right back. I need to go um, get um, go um.'

What she needed to get was the hell out of there. Basically she threw her little sister to the wolves. Or the bees.

Nosaj is working on my cornhole bags game. He is making my boards for me so I should have them in the next couple of years. Sooner or later I will run out of excuses as to why I can't win at this stupid game.

A week or so ago the kids broke the neighbors garage door window. He came over and asked if the kids had seen anybody in his driveway during the day since they are at home. They said no of course. He explained that his window got busted. He leaves. I quiz the kids during baths and teeth brushing and unsurprisingly it was them. It turns out they were hitting golf balls in the back yard. Probably because their granddads never take them out to play. (Yes this is a hint old men) I am not a real big believer in coincidences. So I figure my kids are hitting golf balls, neighbors window breaks, there must be a connection. They finally admit they MIGHT have hit something in that direction. I made them pay for the window.

I lost a tree in one of the storms last week. It was a 25-30 foot tall Bradford Pear tree. I sawed it up with my saw extension to my weedeater. Nice. But then I had to lug it all back to the woods. That sucked.

I am sure some other stuff happened. I also have some pictures to put up here. But not tonight. I am beat. And the hockey game is 4-0. No suspense. Bed time.

Bunch of Things

2008-05-04T21:32:00.000-04:00

It has been a busy couple of weeks. Let me try to catch you all up on the activities that have kept me on my toes.

A month ago I requested permission from the local HOA to install a swing set and to remove the fence around my propane tank and put up some trees. They finally got back to me and allowed my requests. That was the easy part.

So many of you know that the Hawkman family were coming to town. They came and went and no sickness was to be found. I don't, however, believe they will be coming back any time soon. They arrived on Friday afternoon. Mr. Hawkman and I played a little Bags. I borrowed the game from Nosaj. And we drank a little beer. Mr. Hawkman's fun ended right there. Saturday morning we started working on the swing set. Saturday afternoon, the twins had a birthday party with their friends. We missed it. We were allowed dinner and then more work. Sunday we went to early, early church and then back to work. The twins had a party with the family. We missed that too. A couple of people stopped by to say hi and some waved when they were leaving. We continued to work. Nosaj made appearances during the two days. He showed up late, had to take his kid home for a six hour nap and left early. So, Thanks Nosaj.

I bet Hawkman put a call block on his phone for my number. It was tough work but he was a trooper. He never complained. His biggest beef was when the women forgot to bring us some pepperocinnis from the store. We finally got the thing done just in time for him to make the four hour trip back home. What a host I am.

My dad started digging holes for the trees on Sunday. I finished up this weekend. Dragging around pine and spruce trees with huge root balls on them is not really that fun.

I want it to be known. I still haven't beaten Nosaj at his fake game. I think he is toying with me. I get close every time and then he pulls out the victory in the end. I kept the game here so I will practice this week. I could practice against Hawkman but I don't think he will answer my call.

On a happier note, my yard is starting to look park-like again. The fence I mentioned earlier is down and the camper is finally gone. Craigslist is a great tool. I sold the camper in a couple days after listing it on the site. Actually that was a funny story.

The dude came with his wife and dog. He bought it after less than an hour looking at it. I got cash, gave him the title and we were done. Then he turned off his truck while he put air in the camper tires. Then the truck wouldn't start up. I don't know this dude from Adam so he ain't coming in my crib. He screwed around with the truck for hours then finally called in backups and after 6 hours in my driveway, he had a buddy tow his truck and another tow the camper. I felt bad for slim but he wasn't coming in the house. Don't think I am a total dick. I offered them some bottled water before I locked up the garage.

Nosaj and Mrs. Nosaj got in on the Craigslist fever this weekend and sold a bunch of garbage they couldn't pawn off during a yard sale. Craigslist works.

And in the most important news, the garden is in full swing. I planted potatoes, onions and cabbage a couple weeks ago and they are already coming up. This weekend I planted tomatoes, several types of peppers, cilantro, squash and watermelons. I hope to get by the nursery tomorrow to get seeds for peas, beans and a few other things. It should be fun.

Here are some pics of Nosaj and my oldest playing Bags, some of the swing set, the garden and some of the park-like setting that I enjoy every day. Oh and one of the dog so you don't think I killed her. Yet.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-04-18T21:10:00.000-04:00

So how did you spend your birthday?

I spent mine this way. I woke up at 4:00AM to make sandwiches for the wife and oldest son so they could scurry off to see the Pope. I learned from Ebone that sometimes a wife really does get up at the crack of dawn and make you a lunch before you go to work. I figured I would try to show my wife this and I might be able to get some lunches for work for myself. It doesn't seem to have worked. I went to work today, lunchless.

Anyway. I went back to bed and woke up at 7 something. All the kids were waking up. I got them all dressed and took them to skating lessons. One of them tried to tell me she wasnt' going to skate that day. I assured her she was. She did. I came home and the mulch I had ordered was in the driveway. Five yards of mulch. I spent the rest of the day shoveling and spreading mulch. Then we had a birthday dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. Now that was a birthday. Below are some pics of the visit of the Pope.

More Pics Tonight

2008-04-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

Did you know how awesome tonight was? There was the college hockey Frozen Four, NHL Playoffs, Day One of the Masters AND the wife and kids went to a friend's house for dinner. Of course I had some school work to do but I was able to watch the sports, drink a beer or two and do the school. I also found time to get these pics for you.
The first is of Captain Redneck. His daughter in law just gave him his third grandchild and this is obviously him celebrating. Captain sure does love his GeeTars. The second just caught my eye. It said Human Cookie Monster so you know I had to click. I wasn't disappointed. Thanks to Break.com and DirtyButton.com for these funny pics.

Phone Pics

2008-04-10T19:59:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple pictures from my phone I finally uploaded. The first is my Civic after the encounter a few months ago with the deer. The second is this donkey I saw this morning on the way to work that sideswiped a power pole. You can barely see the pole laying in the road behind him. It made this big blueish-green flash when it smacked the ground. Dude is lucky it didn't hit his car. Obviously my phone on zoom takes small ass pictures. Weak.

Salsaritas

2008-04-04T22:20:00.000-04:00

The father in law forced me to go to Salsaritas again. He said he couldn't believe the burrito was so good so I had to show him. Actually I sent the wife so I could watch hockey.

Hopefully when he ate his, he didn't wear this shirt. Not a whole lot of burrito room in there.

By the way, that is just part of the spread at a usually Jiggy function. And yet the heathens still complain about lack of food.

300 and Nite of Fun

2008-04-03T17:24:00.000-04:00

Well for all intents and purposes, Steeler Fan Boy’s life is over. He bowled a 300 game the other night. I won’t say he will die anytime soon, he will just never have anything in his life that will equal that feeling. He might as well just quit his job and go live in a cabin in the woods. Congrats man. By the way, I have bowled a 300 also. It just took me three games to get it. That counts too right?

As many of you that know my family, you know we are addicts. We are all addicted to noise at night. We need fans to get to sleep. Each room in my house has a box fan on the floor providing noise 365 days a year. They aren’t for cooling, they aren’t for airflow, just pure sleepful noise. So last night, the power goes out at 11:30pm. Mind you there was no storm in the area, no reason whatsoever for the power to go out. But it did. The wife went to try to get our littlest back to sleep and I scoured the house for a flashlight. Where is the damn moon when you need it. It was pitch dark last night. Well I found my cell phone and used the light from that to find one of the kid’s reading lights which I used to find a flashlight that ended up being in my room in the first place.

Then I hear the beeping. I am rushing around the house looking for the source. Some of the kids are still asleep and I want to keep it that way. I find the culprit. A UPS under a computer table. I get it switched off and no sooner had I shut the door to that room, the house alarm starts beeping. Great. Meanwhile the wife brought the little one to our room. I look all over the house for our portable, battery operated noise maker. It, also, ends up being in my room after I look all over for it. It makes tons of sounds. Waves, rain, birds chirping, Ebone hollering about the Bills and white noise. We use the white noise. I get that hooked up for the wife and daughter. Then I am off to disarm the alarm.

The alarm has no power to it since the power is off, but there is a battery inside. I will just open it and get the battery out and no more noise. I open the cover and the damn alarm goes off. I fumble for the key pad but, hey, the lights are out. I finally get it turned off and the battery out. Back up to bed and then half an hour later the power is back on. I turn off the portable noise maker, set my alarm clock for the morning and put my head to the pillow. Power back off.

This went on a couple times and finally it stayed on the rest of the night. So I get up in the morning and shower, take the dog out and grab my stuff for work. Power goes out again. I ran for the door and jumped in the car before anyone could wake up. So Christmas present list now includes a generator. It doesn’t have to be powerful, just enough for five or six fans.

In other news, just the mention of the Hawkmen coming to town was enough to bring illness to my family. The wife got sick and I had to take care of her for FOUR days. She claims it was two, but it was really FOUR. On Thursday night, she started puking late in the evening. That is one day, then Friday and Saturday make three, and Sunday I let her sleep in late so that is FOUR days. Damn that is over half of the week. I am a saint. Everyone seems to be better now but the Hawkmen are coming at the end of April so watch out.

I found a new way to get fat, not that I needed it. I love me some Baja Fresh. Not big on the Chipotle but love the Fresh. Now I am also a fan of Salsaritas. Another restaurant along the same lines, but they sell beer too. And you get to tell them exactly what to put in your big ass burrito. And, get this. It is half the distance to my house of Baja Fresh. Let’s just say that while the wife was sick I ate one on Friday evening and followed it up 12 hours later with one for lunch on Saturday. Why wait 12 whole hours for another 2 lbs of food? They didn’t open until 11am fatties, that’s why. But don’t let this make you think I am not ready for tennis, because it is on. I will be back up north in two weeks and we are already lined up to play. Just a warning to the guys that I am in midseason form. I took six people out the other day to the courts and none of them could touch my game. OK. They were my kids but, still, I was on fire.

Viva Las Vegas

2008-03-26T22:28:00.000-04:00

So most of you read This article about American canceling flights and just ignored it like me. But The Human Tumor had to live it. Tumor was bailing out on his family and going to Vegas for the weekend. Vegas, baby, Vegas. So he calls me tonight at 7:05pm. I assume he is just busting my chops that he is in Vegas and I am not. Well, no. He is in a dirty cab driving from Dulles to Reagan National to try and catch like his fifth flight option of the day. Obviously he was booked on American and has been at the airport since 11am. He whined about missed flights, almost boarding planes, walking from carrier to carrier across the airport. I felt bad but then I realized he was leaving his family for four days of fun out west. Sorry bout your luck buddy. Next time, go to Hooters, eat some wings and go home to your kids.

In other news, the Hawkman family is coming to town. I have already met my deductible so bring it on. I am afraid of no illness. They are coming to town just in time to see the curtain call for our little puppy. She is on the way out. I tried letting her sleep in our room, didn't work. I tried to make the cage a friendly place, didn't work. I tried it all. So last night I bathed her and cleaned her cage spotlessly. I decided to try not putting newspaper in the cage so she wouldn't shed and drool all over it and spread it all over the room. So she decides she will shit in the cage without newspaper, dance all over the shit and drool all over the shit. I thought someone actually beat the shit out of her. So after another bath and cage cleaning, she has decided to sleep on the back porch tonight. I blocked off part of the cage because someone said she needs a smaller cage. But tonight she will only be crapping outside. My house might still stink tomorrow but it won't be because of her.

I am taking orders for vegetables this year. You can email me and place your order. I accept all forms of cash and even Paypal. Don't miss out on the jumbo tomatoes.

Check your stores

2008-03-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

I found one of these at the local mall. It was in one of those cool stores all the hipsters frequent.

Funny

2008-03-13T22:07:00.000-04:00

WithLeather.com is a funny, funny sports blog. Today they provided me with this.

Why Me?

2008-03-11T13:53:00.001-04:00

Anybody looking for a puppy? Real cheap. So we are still having trouble with the cute, little monster. I took her to the vet yesterday for shots and realized I am much better looking when I have a little puppy with me. ALL the women were striking up conversations with me. I was the center of attention. I was kind of like Nosaj at a gay bar on Sadie Hawkins Day.

Well I explained that the mutt cries and whines and drools excessively when she is in the crate. The highly trained and highly paid veterinarian looked over her glasses at me threw this wisdom at me. ‘She must be anxious about the crate’ REALLY?????? Damn lady. Thanks. You are a savior. How can I ever thank you for that astute analysis?

She proposed putting treats in the crate. – Already tried it. The Doginator drools all over them unless she is real wound up, then she pisses and craps all over them and drools on them for good measure.

She proposed putting the crate in our bedroom at night. – Did that last night. Lasted 10 minutes and I was moving the crate back downstairs.

She proposed putting food and water in the crate during the day with the door open to encourage her to go in. – Now the dog is dehydrated because she would rather die than go in that infernal cage. Gotta love pets.

I would like to say I have good news on other fronts but I don’t. The father-in-law has this Thai place he goes to EVERY week. There have been pictures of it on here before. I have been there many, many times too. He gets free drinks there. He is treated like royalty there. Hell they even like Nosaj there. Well they are closing, going out of business. They informed us a few weeks ago. I am upset because they have good food and a large selection of beer. But the father-in-law? Suicidal. It is like taking Cheers away from Norm.

And even worse news for Nosaj since he found this out right before he learned that his man-crush Brett Favre was retiring. Dude you lost your favorite restaurant and your idol in the same month. And you are from Wisconsin. Just end it man.

Weather is starting to get warmer. It is almost garden time. I am going to pick up some potatoes today on the way home from work. The kids were raking out the plot yesterday. I can almost taste those summer tomatoes right now. And I have some cool new pics that I will try to get up here today. You will like my new shirt.

Kid Funnies

2008-02-27T13:54:00.000-05:00

The other night I was trying to coax my youngest son to sleep. He wanted me to rub his back. So I am talking to him and he interrupts with 'I said RUB not SCRATCH'. Oh. Then I ask him if I can have his back to take to work since mine has been hurting lately and he could keep mine for the day. He tells me 'No daddy, your back is too hairy'. Oh.

Our youngest one is starting to put sentences together. Most of them concern her favorite person in the whole world. She gives me gems like when I ask her if she is ready to go to sleep 'No daddy' or almost any time of the day I might hear 'Daddy bad' or 'Daddy get yogurt'.

How is that I go to replace burned out lights in a ceiling fan that has a glass covering that has to be unscrewed and there are no bulbs in there that NOBODY knows what happened? Now I know I live in a backwards area but I really don't see a thief going through all that trouble to get my bulbs. Eventually the culprit was outed by a sibling. Their response? 'Oh those bulbs'.

Catching You Up

2008-02-21T15:04:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhhh. It has been like forever since I last wrote. But really nothing has gone on in our quiet little abode. Our entire family went through the flu a few weeks ago and survived. This time the Hawkman and his family were not around so I cannot blame them for this illness. Although they might have sent a gift through the mail that contained the airborne disease. Who knows?

Speaking of mail. My mom made a nice gesture by getting all the kids Valentine’s Day cards and signed them from their little cousin. Ain’t that sweet. Well it would have been if she didn’t try to cheat the postal system. She threw these lead laden objects in the mail with a regular postage stamp. Uncle Sam, instead of returning these underfunded letters, delivered them to me postage due. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s day like a disgruntled mailman demanding three bucks. So I see that the letters are from my nephew so I call my sister to bitch at her. She just laughs like it is the funniest thing in the world and points me to the mother figure.

The dog is still alive. That is a big accomplishment for her considering she whines all night. When I say all night, I really mean any time we go near her cage. She is a whiny little beast. Hopefully that will change as she gets older. IF she gets older.

Green Jiggy

2008-02-04T09:21:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago we had a party for one of the banshees. I decided the day before that we would start to recycle. The kids have been drinking more and more water in the plastic bottles. I figured I would do my part and save the Earth. So I hounded people the entire day to recycle their beer bottles and soda cans and such. I pulled bottles out of the trash and put them in the recycling bucket in the garage. Then the next day I take my heaping mound of Earth saving goodness to the dump. I can't find the plastic recycling bin. I ask. Just throw it in the trash bin. What?? We don't recycle plastic here. Are you kidding me? I was furious. So yesterday before my big Superbowl bash, I went to the dump. While I was there, I asked the dude about getting a plastic recycling bin. He pointed across the parking lot to a brand new recycling bin. Fast results. So of course, I hounded everyone at the party yesterday to recycle.

Now on to the party. We had 30 people over to the crib for a little football. Most were kids of course. One family actually bailed on us so 30 was less than what we planned for. It all went rather smoothly. Most of the kids played Dance, Dance Revolution for a good portion of the game. At different times there were a dozen children running through the dark in the front yard. I think they all came back. No one claimed they were missing a kid. The only downside to watching football with homeschool families, questions like this. Brady was getting sacked and a fumble was forced. One of the dads asked if that shouldn't be pass interference. Of course, trying to be helpful, I just smiled and said yes it should have been.

I will work on getting some audio of this new puppy. This beast makes the craziest whining noises when she is in the cage. It is insane.

The bowling boy is getting better. So I thought I would slam his other hand in the car door. He was getting in the back seat, I was shutting the front door. Should not have been a problem. Somehow he had his hand out of his open door and into the door slot for the front door. It cut a finger and he cried but no hospital visit. I am definitely moving up the list of horrible parents.

I got my car back after a month. Looks all shiny and clean. I think I even got a fancier looking dash. Could be that it is just clean. Who knows. Watch out deer. You have been warned.

Lastly my back was jacked up last week. I was down for a couple days. On Saturday the wife took all the kids to hockey and I laid on the couch with a heating pad and the dog and watched tv. It was nice. Back still hurt. So that afternoon I went to the store and bought a Salonpas back pad. It is like a huge bandaid that gets hot and supposedly makes you feel better. It might have worked, who knows. But I know when the wife tried to unstick this thing from my back, I almost died. The pain it caused, was horrible. She was pulling it off at an inch at a time rate. I was yelling at her and she was laughing. Finally I pushed her away and yanked this infernal thing off in one fell swoop. Steve Carell in the 40 Year Old Virgin had nothing on this. Needless to say, the other two pads I bought are still in the wrapper.

Bowling Is Bad

2008-01-29T11:11:00.000-05:00

So after the follow up visit to the orthopedics, the little trooper needed surgery. The fingernail bed had popped up out of his finger. So they cut him open, jammed it in and sewed him up. He was still a little warrior until he got out of the surgery.

Then I guess he showed a little emotion.

The first picture is him chilling in the hospital bed, having fun.

The second is him in the recovery room.

The last is him in his room again, starting to feel the pain.

Waring equals Yummy

2008-01-28T13:25:00.001-05:00

As an update to the previous post. Here is the fryer we used. It is from Waring and sold at BJ's for the low, low cost of $59.99. Better get those corn dogs ready.

Here is a link just in case you want it right now.

Updates

2008-01-28T12:20:00.000-05:00

As a few of you have already heard, the little man broke his finger over the weekend. The wife was on duty so I am in the clear. The nurse practitioner at the hospital called it 'an open fracture'. I call it a busted up digit. He was at a bowling outing and tripped carrying a ball. The ball squished his finger and split the bone at the tip of his finger. It also jacked up his nail on that finger. Today is a visit with the orthopedist. I am really going to reach my $2200. deductible early this year. He was a trooper and didn't cry at all at the hospital. And he must have been so cute (just like dad) that the nurse ushered us in past a waiting room full of waiting people. Ohhhh, they must have been bitter. I didn't look back.

The dog is a total terror. We had two other Huskies before. One was a dream as a puppy, the other a total nightmare. Can you guess which this dog acts like?? She cries whenever she is put in the cage and likes to pee in the house. I can understand if I don't take the dog out, she might pee on my floor. But I take the beast out, she pees, then comes in and pees again. WTF?? So when I get her out of the cage in the morning it would be wet on her towel and the newspapers. I figured she had to go at night. Then if I went anywhere and come home maybe an hour later, the stuff would still be soaked. Dog can't have to go that much. I figured out what it is. She gets to howling and whining and gnawing at the cage. All the liquid???? She is foaming at the mouth. Unbelievable. Drooling all over the cage to escape. And I paid money for this? But she sure is cute.

The weekend before last we had a birthday party for one of the kids. Now I know it seems like we are always having a birthday party for one of the kids. We are, because we have lots of kids. So the wife plans the party at 2pm. She thinks we won't have to feed all the family. Oh I forgot to mention this was just a family party because I have to choke up money for the little princess to have an ice skating party during the week with her friends. So I tell the wife, it is like this. You can't take food from these animals, they have come to expect it. I tried to get her to understand it in relative terms. I told her they would like Ebone the first time he came back from Thailand and got a massage over here. At the end of the massage the lady said your are done and Ebone said 'What???????'. Then I tried to tell her it is like playing poker at EBones house and not waking up to eggs, bacon, waffles, fruit and juice. I would go nuts. (BTW, Ebone, don't let that ever happen). She was still not comprhending. Finally I said it is like you go to the mall and there is nothing for you to buy. She finally got the picture. We ended up serving food. I busted out chicken wings. They were a big hit. I think I ended up making some cash for the maker of my fryer. There were several inquiries about it and a possible purchase too.

I still haven't talked to Nosaj since the Packers lost in the playoffs. He hasn't called so he might actually be dead. At least he didn't owe me any money.

Lumpy should feel a little better today. I talked to one other person that is going through a detox program right now. If you don't know what that is, it is a bottle of pills you take to make you crap a lot and feel better. Lumpy loves a good detox program. So this person doesn't want me to mention his name. But you can still secretly laugh at him and his many bathroom visits he is paying $30 for. I have my own detox program. I call it chicken wings with hot sauce.

New Addition

2008-01-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

And as hard as it is for you to imagine, it is not another baby. This time.

WTF

2008-01-11T07:54:00.000-05:00

I know Lumpy and Nosaj are insane but WTF??

Quick Golf Notes

2008-01-10T13:35:00.000-05:00

I can always tell who wins the weekly golf match between Nosaj and the father-in-law. Whoever calls me on Saturday evening for no apparent reason.

Golf winner: Hey.

Me: Hey.

GW: What's new?

Me: Nada. How about you?

GW: Well let me tell you. I beat the crap out of him. He cheated, I am awesome. I hit awesome shots and he smells.

Me: I think you have the wrong number.

I was thinking about these weekly calls when I talked to my dad yesterday. He told me he had poison ivy real bad. Since he lives in a old folks neighborhood with 1/64 of an acre for land, I asked how in the heck he got the ivy. He goes on with this elaborately planned scenario. It seemed like a 48 hours mystery.

Supposedly he is out playing golf with other old people. He gets up near the green. I break in and ask him if the course is a little unkempt. Is there ivy on the green? He goes on that he noticed they just bush hogged a portion of the woods. He noticed a bunch of golf balls over there. So he grabs about thirty balls to give to my kid. OK. I am buying it so far. Then, somehow, a few holes later his cart dies. The pro shop brings him another cart and he forgets all the found balls on the dead cart. Then he gets home and realizes he has bad poison ivy and no golf balls.

I would have just said, I played bad and took a bunch of shots from the woods. But that is just me.

Hunter Jiggy

2008-01-07T08:11:00.000-05:00

I have taken up hunting. I used to think it was a horribly boring hobby. You sit in the woods for hours or days hoping to only glimpse a poor defenseless animal and take a shot at it. Ebone does it all the time and never really seems to kill anything. So I have surmised that he is not really hunting but just leaving town for weeks at a time to do who knows what with who knows who. However, I have taken hunting to the next level. I just cruise down the street and plow into the animals with my little car. Now this might not be the best hunting technique but I got one last week. How about you Ebone?

And as you can tell I let the boys at my old job know about it. Being the caring souls they are, they decided to let Photoshop tell my story. Glad you guys are busy.

Happy, Happy New Year

2008-01-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

The first funny story of the New Year happened at 12:18 A.M. As Nosaj and Mrs. Nosaj were gathering their gear to take demon baby Nosaj home, Mrs. Nosaj's phone rings. They didn't get it in time so we listened to the message. Ever insecure Nosaj got crazy when the caller says 'Hey honey. Don't call my home number too late. Just wanted to say Happy, Happy New Year. See you soon.' So of course he calls back and of course it turns out to be a wrong number. But it was minutes of pure laughter for me.

The boys at the hockey game.

The wreaths that kept falling off while I was hanging them up. They have all been up for two weeks without a drop though. I must have done something right.

The Christmas card. If you didn't get one, just print this out and hang it on your fridge.

Last night we kept the holidays going. We invaded a house. After a couple of beers, I used the restroom facilities. Always the jokester, I inquired if they had a plunger. Lo and behold, 10 minutes later I really needed a plunger (and when I say I, I really mean the homeowner because I wasn't plunging it.) as one of the kids jacked up the toilet. I don't know if we will be invited back. There was another family there so I can hope it was one of their kids.

Very Merry

2007-12-26T20:57:00.000-05:00

Christmas has come and gone. I would like to personally thank the following businesses for draining my wallet. American Girl Doll company, Pottery Barn Kids Corp, and Gymboree Corp. There were other players in the mix but none had the uncanny ability of these three to so thoroughly abuse my paycheck.

Let me recall the highlights of the first week of my vacation. The first night after I got off of work I took three boys (two of them mine) to see the Caps game. It was the first Caps game for my two. It was the first actually hockey game for my youngest. They had a blast. I did too. The seats were great. We were eight rows up, center ice. The night was perfect except for when I got up and kicked over half of my seven dollar beer. I couldn't have just grabbed a five or six dollar Bud to kick over. Nope. Had to grab a Heine. The better beer when you are punting it amongst the seats.

There was going to a bar and watching football on Sunday with Nosaj. No guys tried to pick him up here so that was nice. But his Packers got walloped so he cried the whole time. I had on a Bills jersey in honor of E-bone, plus they were playing the Giants but it didn't help. And did you know you can actually see THROUGH a Miller Lite. It is like drinking urine flavored water or so I've heard. But the were on 2 dollar special so I knocked out a half dozen and complained about it the whole time.

There was the last minute shopping. Actually I went out early on Thursday and Friday mornings and had no hassles. I also went out Christmas Eve to buy food for Christmas dinner and met no snags either. The early bird beats the rush. I did get to see people filing into Costco at 10:00 when they opened on Friday morning. It was unbelievable. I was only there to pick up my Christmas cards I had done online the night before. So if you don't have it, it should be there soon. The didn't get mailed until Saturday afternoon. Nothing like last minute. Seventy five of those babies went out. There was the shock when I only paid 20 bucks for 75 cards and then twice that much for stamps. Damn lazy postmen.

Christmas eve had my parents over to exchange presents with us. Not much of an exchange for them. They show up with a car full of presents and walk out with a couple of items. But they keep coming back so I guess they haven't figured it out.

Then comes the evening meal at the wife's grandmothers. She only has to open the door. Everything else is done for her. And yet there were still issues. We decided to make it easier on the mother-in-law who had tons of presents and had made or bought all the food and move the festivities to her house. Oh no. Grannie says no. She can't be rearranged like that at the last minute. We must all come to her house. Personally I didn't care. Couple of beers and it doesn't matter where I am. Then crazy Grannie kept talking about this friggin cake she made. Said it was called 'Better than Sex Cake'. Well I am sure when you haven't had it in 100 years, cake is probably better. But I don't need you spouting the name all night in front of my kids. If she said it one more time it was gonna be 'Pillow over the old lady's head Cake'. But it was a good evening. Except....

Nosaj got a new camera and somehow deleted all the pictures he took of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. No pictures of Little Nosaj opening gifts. He hit a button to reset the camera to the factory defaults. Mrs. Nosaj was unpleased. And Father-in-law was sooooo very understanding. We got great one-liners all Christmas Day like 'Reset man' and 'Don't blame me, it's not my default' (that was my favorite). Santa or St. Nicholas as he is called in our abode wasn't as generous as both sets of grandparents. We limited the fat guy (not you dad) to three gifts per kid.

It seems like we are celebrating Hannakuh here. With all the different gift opening opportunities. The kids won't get their presents from us until the Epiphany in a few days. By then, I am sure they will have broken some of the other stuff anyways. I will get some pictures up soon.

That Nosaj Sure Is Cute

2007-12-26T20:48:00.001-05:00

It has been over a week since I last wrote you. I have some good stuff so let's get to it. First off is Nosaj. I thought I could write a book about one of my high school boys, Red. But, he is soooooo one dimensional compared to Nosaj.

Here is the story as told to me directly by Nosaj. He is unloading his cargo from his truck at one of his many stops. He, if you didn't know already, is a truck driver. He is highly skilled in his profession, and by that I mean he has a driver's license. So here is Nosaj unloading the truck and somebody beeps at him. He turns. Some dude. He waves and like the good little worker bee goes back to unloading. The guy beeps again. Nosaj turns and looks and this time is greeted with a gesture. Nosaj is unprepared for this and says 'Huh?'. Again he unloads. The beeps continue. Obviously Nosaj is not picking up on the vibe. Finally the guy, I repeat guy, offers to take care of a special need for Nosaj. It is too vulgar an act to speak of here. Just imagine Senator Larry Craig in a bathroom stall. Nosaj ignores the dude and finally he goes away.

So these questions immediately come to my mind. What on Earth makes a guy proposition another guy? In a public parking lot at that? And why in the world would he choose Nosaj? Nosaj isn't even attractive to the oppostie sex. And why is Nosaj bragging about this? It is a crazy world we live in.

Little Lumpy - A Chip off the Old Block

2007-12-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

I know it has been over a week since my last entry. I have been busy with school. Here is a quick story I could not keep from you. I will try to get some new pics up soon. I got a new phone that has a camera. Welcome to the 19th century for me. I read a review of the phone online, talking about how new and cool it is. Then I saw the article was dated 2004. NICE. Always on the cutting edge. Now on to the story.

As many of you know, Lumpy isn't the most sanitary of people. He has told us of stories of crapping himself, crapping in his buddy's cat box at a party, crapping in his snow suit, and swimming through a river of crap in Thailand. So this is only karma coming back at him.

Last week the Lumpster took his family from the frozen tundra of the midwest to the beautiful sunny west coast. Him, Mrs. Lumpy and the little Lump took a couple flights out to Cali. On one such flight, Little Lump (LL) is giggling and waving at people as they board, then as they sit and then as they try to sleep. Big Lump (BL) has LL on his shoulder and he is just grinning and hollering. So the guy behind him taps him on the arm. Their conversation is below.

Guy - Hey buddy.

BL - Yes, pal?

Guy - Nice kid.

BL - Thanks, comrade.

Guy - You gots a wipe or something?

BL - Wipe?

Guy - You know, a baby wipe so I can wipe his puke off my pants.

BL - OH MY. I am so sorry. Let me get you a drink.

Guy - No problem. It will be worth it just to watch you wipe all the puke off your back.

BL - OH MY.

So on the flight back. LL is struggling to take a dump. Not like BL hasn't experienced this before. He just runs his happy ass to the store for some ColonBlow 2000. Well the kid is little so he hooks LL with some prune juice. PRUNE JUICE?? First time fathers. So as they land, BL picks up LL off his lap and realizes that junior put a new meaning into the term soiled. Like all of LL's outfit and most of BL's pants. Try playing that off while getting off the plane.

Stewardess - Nice flight?

BL - Why yes. We had.....

Stewardess - AHHHH. Sir, you have shit all over your pants.

Banged Up Lip

2007-12-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

So little man number five had a cavity filled today. They numb his mouth and his lip. They told the wife not to let him eat for a few hours. Wifey learned that you must watch him at all times in the grocery store. Obviously he got a hold of some carrots and was going to town chewing them down. The only problem was he was also gnawing his lip like it was a piece of taffy. But he couldn't feel it and it was gushing blood. So now he looks like this. At least it wasn't on MY shift.

Christmas Tree Downtown

2007-12-10T18:58:00.001-05:00

I have been a little lax in my postings, been a little busy. So let me try to catch you up while my little man watches 'Wow, Wow, Wubzy' and the other kids are playing hide-and-seek and screaming and, in all likelihood, destroying my house. Today was dentist day for monsters number four and five. And monster five had a cavity. Couple hundred out of my pocket. Great day. But he was a trooper and didn't cry so I will try not to cry over the bill.

So here is the family in front of the big tree.

This is the tree by itself.

This is the Wisconsin tree in honor of Lumpy who gave the heads up on the parking garage we used again this year.

Speaking of the garage, it was kinda full. There were several parties going on in the building. So it was hard finding a space. Of course, we are driving the biggest vehicle ever made. That made it even more fun. So imagine me standing behind the tank, trying to get the wife to back it up because I made her go down a tunnel that we didn't have the clearance for while Nosaj is behind us trying to backup and there are party goers just trying to get around us to get to their party. The wife was pissed, I was a bit buzzed from dinner and Nosaj and his old lady were battling. A regular riot in the garage we were. We finally got parked in some monthly parking only spots and went on to the trees.

Did I mention that I slept until well past nine on Sunday morning because we went to church on Saturday? I couldn't tell you the last time I slept that late. Hell I played poker the weekend before and didn't get to bed till close to three and I was up at 7 the next morning with the kids. (Yes poker boys. I had to play with others since you won't set up a game.) This was definitely a good break. When I say we went to church, I really mean it. Saturday was a Day of Obligation. Basically a bonus church day scattered throughout the year to keep you on your toes. So we went to Arlington and hit a Latin mass (Yes the whole thing is in a foreign language. And it lasts forever.) and followed that up with an hour at the playground and then back to church for the regular mass.

Did I tell you I went to dinner with this guy recently??

Lumpy and the Bird

2007-11-27T08:38:00.001-05:00

After looking at these pictures from Lumpy, I can conclude a couple of disturbing things.

1. Obviously food tastes good in the midwest because Lumpy doesn't look anorexic.

2. Despite what most of you are thinking, that whole bearded look really, really works for him.

3. Firepits = Fun for Wisconsinites.

4. There are about a dozen working stiffs in that neighborhood that thought they had done good for their family. They had worked 60 hour weeks to get a nice house in a nice upper middle class midwest neighborhood. They had avoided life's traps, gambling, drugs, alcohol. They had made something of themselves. Then they wake up on a glorious Thanksgiving morning, appreciating their life even more. Until they throw back the shades and see Lumpy in his Packers jacket smoking from the hookah and swilling beer at seven in the morning. Where did it all go wrong?

Babies Everywhere

2007-11-26T21:52:00.000-05:00

There is another baby in the family. Guess what?? Again, it is not mine. This is great. My sister had her first tonight. She hasn't named him yet so I am going with Leroy. Maybe it will catch on. And Captain Redneck is going to be a grandfather yet again. Those hillbillies are breeding almost as quick as my family.

Post Bird

2007-11-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

I was waiting for Lumpy to send me pictures before I posted this but he has failed me again. Supposedly he fried a turkey and smoked a turkey for Thanksgiving. He said they turned out well but, alas, no pictures.

My Thanksgiving was actually good. Any time you have to go on the road, there is always the possibility of static. We had to travel to the Nosaj house for the second time in a week. (Actually went a third time for turkey soup on Sunday night) We wisely waited until the Green Bay game was over before we made the five minute trek. If you remember last year, we ran out of gas on the same five minute trek. Fortunately the wife didn't leave us on empty this year.

The food was good and there were no issues or battles. And Nosaj actually had good beer, Heineken. Of course, the father in law complained. That is what he does best.

So let's get to the funny stuff that everybody likes. I got my car inspected but it failed for front tires, so now I am sporting a big rejection sticker. I plan on waiting the full 15 days before I get them fixed. The wife's grandmother said I looked like I gained weight. Not like I haven't seen this crazy old woman in a while, it had only been a couple weeks, so I told her politely to bite my ass. Nosaj bought a fire pit for the back yard. But he couldn't afford any friends so he sits out there at night, starts a fire, gets a chair from the deck and drinks beer and surfs the web in the middle of his yard. You can take the boy out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the boy.

Here are some pictures of my time off.

Me, the wife, and Nosaj enjoying some bird.

Results of letting the crazy old lady put the pie away.

Hey, one of these kids is actually not mine.

Haha. No one is watching me.

Sunset at Nosaj's house.

The Nosaj bird.

The leaves turning colors on Skyline Drive?

NO. Just a fall day before all these friggin leaves cover my yard, which they did, they very next day.

Before the Holiday

2007-11-19T07:21:00.000-05:00

I am not sure if I mentioned it or not, but the McRib is back. I have had six since I found out two weeks ago. I have to keep this body going somehow. Speaking of eating, I attended my niece's birthday party yesterday at Nosaj's house. He actually had decent beer and food. I kept waiting for him to fire up the grill but I guess finger food is better than no food. To his defense, he was all sore and in pain. He said it was from working, but the father-in-law had just whooped his ass on the golf course. So I have to assume that the injury was all for show. Regardless, the food was sufficient. Turkey day is also at the Nosaj mansion and I am going to be HUNGRY, so I hope he doesn't burn the bird.

Saturday Night Fever

2007-11-11T21:13:00.001-05:00

Here are the scary pictures from our 70's Murder Mystery party over the weekend. As you can see, the local Goodwill made a killing off of us. And Beer makes you think you look less foolish than you really do.

In Memory of Sebastian

2007-11-05T11:08:00.000-05:00

Saturday our cat Sebastian went to the great scratching post in the sky. He will be missed.

This is an older picture of the man. He is in the center.

Aaron Jones

2007-11-02T08:50:00.000-04:00

Ever heard of Aaron Jones? You will. Just like when you saw that crazy video on late night MTV with this girl in the Catholic school uniform. You said wow this is new, this is a catchy tune. A month or two later and Britney was ruling the world. This is that same thing. You are catching Aaron on the way up. He is a truly remarkable singer and spoken worder. Check out his Myspace pages. He sings Sparks and Long Way Home. All the spoken word tunes are him too. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Maybe we can convince him to release an album.

Aaron Jones the singer.

Aaron Jones the spoken worder.

The World is Turning Gay

2007-11-02T08:40:00.000-04:00

Last week J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore is gay. Now this hag hasn't made enough money, she needs to invite the homosexual crowd to the table? Does everyone in the world have to be gay now? Is that where we are headed? Take a look at this picture. This wedding couldn't be more gay if it was two dudes getting married in a sausage factory while watching Will and Grace. Don't they have anything better to do in Wisconsin?

Pics for a Friday

2007-11-02T08:02:00.000-04:00

SteelerFanBoy loves him some Photoshop. Here we have his latest work. Or is it real? For some reason, I can really see The Schweet wearing that suit.Supposedly

This is The Schweet on Halloween going to the big boy/girl mixer.

This is The Sandwich Artist at the same mixer. There was a rumor that he had a girlfriend recently but it was unconfirmed.

Although it is not racially sensitive, Chuey looks dapper in his sombrero.

Take, take another little piece of my heart

2007-10-29T21:54:00.000-04:00

First here is a little sample of the great food you missed out on if you weren't at my house this weekend.

Now here is a picture of the newest addition to my family. I came home today to find a furry new friend. I guess I was kind of vague when I said 'No more pets'. So now we have a guinea pig. I am so glad I wear the pants in this family.

Silence

2007-10-29T07:35:00.000-04:00

At 9:04 P.M. on Saturday evening, I heard nothing. All the kids were in bed, the wife was busy checking her mail and I had the t.v. on mute. No sound. No disturbance. Now let me take you back about six hours before that. It was a party for my four year old and it was in full swing. Now we have had decent size get-togethers at my house. How can you not have many people when just my family is already party sized. But this was bigger. We even bussed a couple people in from Florida just to make sure we had enough. I think the total was 52, give or take a few, most of which were children. At one time, my mother attempted to count them all and gave up. There were just too many in too many places. They were in the woods, on the trampoline, in the driveway, in the playroom, in bedrooms, in the kitchen. Oh my were they in the kitchen. You would have thought it was feeding day at the zoo. These monsters were attacking anything that looked like a chip. I am almost positive, somebody lost a finger. By the time, I got to grilling for the herd, it had thinned. I think were back into the thirty something range. Of course, the Weber held up and provided an awesome meal. The father-in-law complained. That's what he does.

And in a surprise move, Coors Lite made an appearance at the crib. I went out and got cases of Yuengling and New Castle and even a little PBR for the Wisconsin natives. But one guy couldn't drink any of those. He was new to the house and I didn't want rumors getting out that Jiggy didn't provide beer. I couldn't stand to see him not drinking. So my father was nice enough to cruise out and snag some Rocky Mountain liquid gold for the man. Another satisfied partier at the Jiggy house.

Funny, Funny Stuff

2007-10-25T14:54:00.000-04:00

I almost feel bad about posting this video since I didn't get any harassing phone calls from either Lumpy or Nosaj when the Pack beat the Skins. But still, this is pretty funny. And haven't we all wanted to do this to a Packers fan at some point. Now I have a plan for Turkey day at Nosaj's house.

Come on, that was funny wasn't it.

Not Tiger Woods

2007-10-15T15:36:00.000-04:00

I was reminded again this weekend why I don't golf. My father wanted to take my son out on the links so I joined them. I hit my usually array of bad shots, most of them resulting in losing the ball. Or me looking for the ball in tall grass, or woods, or tall grass in woods. I did have one good hole. On the second hole, I hit 3-wood (I don't use the driver much because I hook it much more than the 3-wood) and then 7-wood. That put me a little short of the elevated green. I punched up with an 8-iron and walked over to the cart to get my putter. I joined the other three on the green. There was only three balls and they were all lining up putts. I surveyed the situation and couldn't figure out how mine had flown the green. It hadn't. I sauntered up to the hole to pull the flag and just check. It was there and the ball line was still visible in the dew on the green. So I start hollering and screaming in my dad's backswing. Needless to say, that was the apex of my game and it was all downhill after that.

I also got a math lesson too. There was a twosome in front of us. They consisted of people you might know so I will disguise their names. So Fatherinlawowicz smacks his tee shot a whopping 20 yards. This is followed by Nosajious cranking out about 400 yards, most of it sideways into some fenced in yard. Fatherinlawowicz knocks his next shot most clearly out of bounds to the left. The hole is a dog leg right. Nosajious hits the next shot into the same marshy area to the left. After that we lost track of thier game due to taking our own shots. But somehow they were both able to get up and down from about 200 yards away for birdies or pars. I mean Nosajious was hitting four if he even found his ball, which is a long shot, but who am I to judge.