Fun in the Sun

Memorial Day weekend was great. We got to drive ten hours round trip for a four hour party. Nice. We did get to see relatives and more relatives and more relatives. There sure are a lot of people in the country related to me.

I also learned the extent of the lush life my children lead. Not that they are spoiled but we stayed in a hotel this weekend. After opening the doors to the adjoining room, one of my little angels asked ‘Daddy where is the kitchen?’ I had to explain that not ALL hotel rooms are villas like Brockman hooked us up with. It took a while to settle in for her. She likes the kitchen room better.

Then we got home, the wife was going to the store. She asked a couple of kids what their favorite meals were so we could make them this week. Their answer? Crabs. OK then. How about your favorite meal that you might actually get this week.

Which brings me to Memorial Day itself. I just wish I had pictures for this. So the inlaws hosted the cookout. This was fine. Nosaj was the cook. I need to have my own personal cookboy when I get older. So it was not Weber cooking time over there. Let us just say that I saw those flare up things that you hear about when you are not using the new Weber Genesis 320. It looked more like a bonfire than a gas grill. We could have expected as much when we uncovered the grill and saw that a family of squirrels had been living in it all winter. Plenty of acorns for everyone. Nosaj takes a beating on this blog but he did the best he could with what he had to use. Clean the grill old man, clean the grill.

Nosaj needs a posse. I guess his method of having people talk to him is to bring a bunch of friends to the party. That way, somebody will be nice to him. The buddy he brought this time introduced me to two new things. One was a sane man, obviously paying too much for something in his life because he was forced to skimp on the beer. He rolled into the party with a 12 of Bud Lite. What? They were out of NattyBo??

New thing number two caught me off guard. Obviously there is so much in this world that I don’t understand. It seems that if you come from the Midwest and have absolutely no skills at horseshoes, then you create your own games. This time: Washers. Now I did a Google search and this is a legit game for the Bud Lite crowd. I think the object is to throw a painted washer into a bucket from across the yard while swilling cheap beer. That is what I gathered from the web site. What I picked up from watching Nosaj and Mr. NoTasteBuds was that you just got drunk and threw the washers in the grass. Could have saved some time building the bucket pit I think.

Yesterday was tennis day. I played Neckbone (yes he is still alive) to a two set draw. I had him down 3-0 in the first set and thought, wow, I can beat this man easily even with a bad arm. Next thing I knew it was 6-3 him. Nasty. I was able to tire him out in the second set and outlasted him 7-5. However, the real tennis was being played on another court. Unfortunately the real tennis was played by two old ladies a few courts down. In between us and them was a travesty of all that is tennis. SteelerFanBoy and Captain Redneck were locked in a two set battle of wits, wills, and abominable tennis shots. It looked more like a ballet performed by bears on skates. I had to stop several times to watch one of their two minute volleys. Classic tennis action. It looked like McEnroe vs. Connors. If they were drugged and suffering from polio. Seriously though, the battled for a couple hours and SFB got the best of CR in a classic 7-6 first set. He also won the second set but I am not sure of the score. It was a fun day. I would tell you about the battles that Sandwich Artist, Ebone and Human Tumor waged but they blew us off again. Losers.

Busted for Pot

Bad, bad weekend. The wife went out of town and left me with all the kids again. And what did I do? I got in a wee bit of trouble. Just figures. Everything started out ok. Well that isn't really the truth either. I wasn't able to move my friggin arm all weekend. I go to the damn witch doctors for a little scrape on my finger and they give me a shot of some tetanus voodoo that has paralyzed my entire arm. I was tossing and turning all night. I could not lift my arm over my head. Unbelievable.

So, anyway, I have the kids all Saturday and most of Sunday. On Saturday was the action. I took the girls to a friends house so that friend could take them to a party. That was fine. I came home and played with the little monsters. Gave the baby a nap and thought I was a great dad. Then the friend changes plans and can't bring the girls home. So I need to go get them. I pack the little ones up and pick up enough toys to get out of the driveway. The place is only 12-15 miles away. Not to far. I get about half way there when one of my little angels in the way back of the vehicle tells me she can't strap her seatbelt in. I tell her to keep trying. She does. We get a little further and she asks me if the policeman is going to arrest her. I thought she had figured it out. I tell her to keep seated, keep trying and that there are no policemen around us. She tells me that when she was not all the way in her seat, she was turned around a little bit and saw the police man that is right behind me. What????? As soon as I realize she is correct, the lights are on. Of course I am on a back road with no where to turn around. I drive a little farther looking for a street to turn down. I finally find one. Johnny Law comes ambling up to the rig. I dig for the license and tell little angel to sit still and not move. He approaches cautiously. He introduces himself and tells me he is pulling me over for pot. What did you say???? Pardon?? He repeats that he is pulling me over to inform me that I have been driving for 10 miles with a cooking pot on my rear bumper. Ohhhh. THAT POT. OK. Thanks smokey. No speeding, no unrestrained child, just an ordinary everyday cooking utensil hanging out on the bumper. He laughs and goes on his merry way. Close call.

Sunday was a little better. We wrapped up the weekend with a little grilling on the new Weber. The kids thanked me. I told them, don't thank me, thank Weber. I took it easy on the grill machine. Just burgers and dogs. He told me to bring the challenge next time. I called about crabs today. I think this is the latest in the season I have waited. Prices still outrageously high. I wouldn't have even called but there was an article in the paper saying now is a good time for crabs so I figured they must be right. They weren't. I waited.

Sad Times

One sad day on top of another sad day. I did not have time to tell you that one of my favorite hockey players of all time died last month. I just found out about it a couple days ago but in all the turmoil surrounding the cheap shot given to me by the Ninja I was not able to pass this along. Gaetan Duchesne was a Washington Capital in the 1980’s. He was my favorite. Here is a link to the story from the Caps web site.

In more uplifting news, it has been over a day since the Ninja has brutally attacked anyone. And SteelerFanBoy finally took a set from the Jiggy so he does not want this to go unnoticed. Tennis got off to a good start. SFB and I split two sets and Captain Redneck just about died from the heat in his drubbing of the Ninja aka Sandwich Artist. Since this happened the day before I was attacked, I can only surmise that my beating was retaliation for his on-court inadequacies. Here are a few pictures from the tennis matches. Next week we expect Neckbone, the Human Tumor, E-bone and the Schweet to make their formal 2007 debuts. I might have to play right-handed since I was brutally thrashed without cause by the Ninja.

Here is the Ninja pre-attack.



Here I am before I was blindsided.




SteelerFanBoy on one of his few returns.

Ninja Days

My ninja days are officially over. Obviously I am never going to be Karate Kid VII. Here is a picture of my busted up hand that required seven stitches. And below that is the video of my first and last karate experience including my cool jumpsuit. You will see my crazy mad skills and at least one spinning back kick. Unfortunately you will also see my holding my broken, bleeding, useless hand after it gets pummeled. Enjoy.








Some things I learned from this.
1. Don’t spend your lunch break fighting with a black belt, even a black belt that seems to have no athletic ability whatsoever.
2. My kids are morbid and sadistic. They made me uncover my hand numerous times to gaze at the huge gash and marvel at the blood streaming into the sink.
3. When the young, hot female doctor says that she is going to numb the wound with a needle and it MIGHT hurt a little. She ain’t shitting. It felt like she was drilling for oil on the finger bone at least a dozen times. The actual kick never hurt anything like that.
4. Coming home to a wife that has been with numerous children all day and explaining that I hurt my finger while playing ninja at my cushy job doesn’t get a lot of sympathy.
5. Tetanus shots REALLY do hurt the next day.
6. I AM NOT A REAL NINJA.

Good Tuesday Morning

If you can’t party with the big dogs, you better stay on the porch. This is what happens when the little one’s think they can go shot for shot with their mom and on Mother’s Day at that. Not pretty.


Mother’s Day was a big success at our house. The wife got exactly what she wanted for her big day. As long as what she wanted was to be in a smelly gym watching kids playing roller hockey. And losing at roller hockey at that. So as long as that was what she was looking for, she got it and then some. We did manage to get away from the arena long enough to have dinner. Below you will see the magic ingredient that allows a loving husband to dine with his brood of children and the wife’s family.


Here are some pictures of the homestead. This is Farmer Brown tending the garden with his assistant slaves. They are cheap labor but perhaps not the best gardeners. They tend to step on existing plants in the pursuit of planting new plants. It just adds to the character of the garden and the price of the vegetables. $100 cucumber will be for sale soon.


I finally had to retire the old Fiesta. This grill has done remarkably well for me considering it was never covered and is seven years old. It made it through one residence move and lots and lots of cooking to feed my tribe and especially the eternally empty bellies of the father-in-law and the brother-in-law aka Nosaj.


I have replaced the old faithful with a brand new Weber Genesis 320. It cooked us some great steaks the other night. And the most remarkable thing about it is that I put it together by myself. Of course when I finished the final step 22 and began to put stuff away, I noticed a big metal piece and a supplemental instruction sheet stating that I need to add this additional piece as part of step 10. Son of a gun. Fortunately I was able to divert disaster and get the piece on the grill. It is almost like I am a handy man or something. Almost.


Today starts tennis season. It is my first attempt at trying to redeem myself for the pasting that the Hawkman put on me. I have the camera so hopefully there will be footage tomorrow. And Ninja boy (Sandwich Artist) will be bringing nunchucks tomorrow for an exhibition at lunch. That will definitely be interesting. Rumor also has it that I might don a ninja suit and spar with the Artist. Nonstop action.

Picture Time

Here are some pictures of Sandwich Artist playing ninja and my girls trip to American Girl Place. But first, a funny story. My buddy ZZ told us the other day that he finished third in a Rock, Scissors, Paper tournament in Atlantic City. He said he would have finished higher if he had realized sooner that the guy he was playing against had no fingers. It just took him too long to realize the guy kept going to Rock.

Here are the girls in front of the American Girl Place



Here they are with their new dolls.



Here are the women with the unlimited bank accounts to finance these adventures.



The girls on the cover of their magazines.



The Karate Kid in full pajama suit.

Beatdown for Sandwich Artist

We have documented the Sandwich Artist’s lack of sporting ability here before. He has struck out at tennis, bowling, life and all other sports. But his claim to fame is that he is a great karate dude. He tells of his experiences beating down young children at the Cobra Kai dojo. Last night he got his comeuppance. He was the only adult at the class and the sensei decided to use him as target practice. He was fully padded and covered up, yet he came to work fully bruised and battered. Nothing better than paying a short Japanese man to thoroughly beat you and come to work bragging about it.

Gots Mii Some Wii

Steeler Fan Boy was so kind as to pick me up a Wii. I haven’t been actively pursuing one but if I happened to find one in a store I was already shopping in, I would have bought it. I never saw one but he finally did. So yesterday I was the World’s Greatest Dad for a couple of hours. Now I have to be referee. It is even harder since I don’t have a second controller yet. I did, somehow, manage to have most of the family members log some time on it. I even got the wife to play the boxing and the baseball games. And you can rest assured that I won’t be letting any of my children take this on a plane.

Journal Part II

When I last left you, the wife was in the Windy City and the kids were driving me crazy. Actually I was taking them for a walk. Well I walked through the neighborhood toting a wagon with two children in it while two others walked. After a mile we get to the house with the Huskies. The goal of the walk. I knock on the neighbor’s door to ask if my kids can pet the dogs. All this and the little princess decides she doesn’t want to pet the dogs. Great. After a short visit with me having to make conversation with the owners, we head back. The return trip saw me carrying one child and pulling two other ones in the wagon while the last one is busy catching caterpillars.

I manage to get them all asleep as the wife misses flight after flight after flight. Finally I am off to bed after watching the Sopranos. The baby slept better this night. And by better I mean she only woke up screaming 3 or 4 times and actually slept in until 6:30 am. I, of course, am not going to work on this day so I feed the children and entertain them until I get a call from my mother-in-law. She said that the wife is probably taking the 8:30 or 9:30 flight, after the wife had said she would be on the 6 am flight. I look for the shotgun. Fortunately I get a call that the wife has landed around 8:30 am. I am saved. She showed up around noonish and I was part of a two parent family again.

Now here is a glimpse into the 60 or so hours from her perspective.

She gets up at 4 am on Saturday morning to get leave by 5 for the 8 am flight. She gets nauseous on the flight out and is miserable all day. She takes a great hour long train ride from the airport to downtown Chitown. The have a great time at the American Girl Doll Place and then to mass downtown. I will have more on that part of the story later. Then she gets back to the hotel and crashes around 11 pm. Back up at 6am to be at the Place for an 8am appointment. Then back on the train for an hour to catch a 1 pm flight. That is where the fun kicks in. I have already told you about the flights she could not get on. So the only bonus feature is that there were three 9 year old girls bored in an airport for 12 hours.
After arriving home on the 6:30 am flight on Monday, they soon realize one of my daughters left her new gameboy and mp3 players on the plane. They alert security and security contacts the cleaning crew. They do not find it. My wife begins to call them criminals and thiefs and terrorists. But, surprisingly, all that flattery did not result in them finding the electronics. OK. I am out $100 or so in toys. Just get home. OH NO THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN. The wonderful, nice, great, person that accompanied my wife on the trip forgot her friggin keys in Chicago. Chicago aint DC. Dammit.

They call the mother-in-law who happened to be in the area and she drove them to my mother’s house who drove them home. An exciting weekend for her I will agree but somehow lacking compared to the weekend I experienced.